He Makes Me Smile

So tonight I went to church here at Purdue, the one I always go to, Purdue Campus Christian House. I went to the 8pm service alone tonight. I was gonna go with Cam but he bailed at the last minute so I went by myself. Luckily I knew someone there and she let me sit with her and her husband.

But anyways, there are certain, little things in life that just absolutely thrill me. And one of those things is worship. I love it! I love singing, I love thinking about the words, and I love singing to God. And I always have to close my eyes during worship because I get easily distracted by pretty girls and shiney objects.

I didnt always like worship though. Actually it used to be my least favorite part because I dont really like to sing in front of people. But I always used to aim my attention toward myself during worship, only thinking about peoples reactions if they heard my voice. Once I realized that its not about me, it became much more enjoyable. Now I sing at the top of my lungs for Him.

But anywho, every single time we worship, I have to smile. I cant help it, there is just this overwhelming joy that comes over me. I start thinking about how happy it makes God to hear the words I sing, and that these words are only for Him. And sometimes, I just stop and listen to everyone else sing. Not because I wanna hear who is singing and who isnt, or who is good and who isnt. I stop and just listen to the beauty that we are creating. The beauty of all of these different voices mixed with the talent of the band. And its all in the name of God. All for Him. That makes me smile even more! What a powerful connection this gives us with God.

But sometimes I dont smile during worship.

Lately I have been pretty out of touch with God. I feel like I am pretty much a Sunday Christian nowadays, and that really bugs me. I havent touched my Bible since.....probably this summer. And I just dont see God in everyday situations anymore. I want to, but I hate to say that life consumes me nowadays, and frankly, Im just not looking anymore. I cant look up anymore, only at my feet.

I was thinking about this tonight while walking back from church. I was thinking about how this had happened. Im still not sure exactly how, but its probably because I have been thinking of only me. Living selfishly. Which is not a good thing. Not at all. Ive been walking alone.

But last weekend I went to church back home, Horizen Ministries. And of course, I couldnt wait until worship. But this time I didnt smile. I sang the words, processed the words, and was overwhelmed by this huge feeling of love. I usually feel this way during worship, but this time it was different. I started thinking about the way I had been living the past few months, being so selfish and shutting God out of my life, and when I was overcome by this feeling of love, I couldnt handle it. I felt like I didnt deserve it. And couldnt fathom why He would still love me after what I had done to Him. This time, a smile didnt cover my face. This time, tears filled my eyes. And I tried my hardest not to let it show, being so prideful and all. But these tears started out as sad tears, then turned quickly into joyful tears. Isnt it amazing to think of His love and forgiveness. All we have to do is give Him a chance.