Asking for Help

Ive had to do a lot of this lately, and I hate it. Asking for help is one thing that I absolutely dread doing.

Since I have been in college, I have become rather independent, or at least Id like to think I have. I try to do things on my own now, I have become quite the problem solver. Before, I relied mostly on my parents for....well just about everything: buying and making me food, doing laundry, paying for school, setting up plans and arranging schedules for certian things, finding jobs, you name it, they probably had a hand in any given decision. But with four years under my belt of relative independence, I have changed quite a bit. I like doing things on my own now, I like making my own decisions. I would rather solve my own problems, with my own approaches.

But sometimes there are things that I cant do by myself, so I have to ask for help, but this is always a last resort for me. This is a fear I have developed and I have no idea how it came to be. I dont know if its a pride issue or what, but I would rather jump off of a bridge (not literall (or if literally, not too high, maybe 6 feet)) than ask someone to help me out. I get knots in my stomach when I have to do this. I just feel like I am hassling someone by asking them to take some time out to resolve an issue that I had brought upon myself. Its my problem, why should someone else being dealing with it? I know if someone asks me for help, although I am usually willing, sometimes I dont really want to help them. And I feel like when I am in need of help, some people dont really want to help me, they just do it because they feel obligated, or maybe even sorry for me. This is why I would much rather resolve an issue on my own.

Lately, I have been pretty broke, for most of this semester I have had very little money. And its no ones fault but my own. And even more recently, a couple of days ago, my car broke down. Broken water pump, fan, serpentine belt, and several other issues, and I have needed help with that. It broke down around midnight on a weekday, while everyone else was asleep. I sat in my car in the freezing and dark for about ten minutes trying to find a way to get out of that situation on my own. I really really really did not want to call anyone and wake them and have them take time out of sleep to pick me up or tow my car. That was treachurous for me. And now, I need help fixing it, I need help getting around, I need help getting back to Purdue, I need help with money to fix it, its pretty overwhelming. My gut gets into knots whenever I need to ask someone if they can do a favor for me.

This fear could apply to so many different areas as well. Being home for spring break this week, as mentioned before, I have to find places to stay. Most of my family and friends say they are willing to let me stay with them, but I still have that fear of asking if its okay. I feel like I am intruding on them, I feel like a nuisance to them. I dont feel right being here in Bremen anymore. Nothing is mine anymore, everything I take is someone elses. Someone elses bed, someone elses food, someones time, someones roof over my head, someones TV Im watching, someones computer I am using to blog on. I just dont feel right taking things from people.

This has developed into an acceptance of gifts as well. Since high school, I dont feel right accepting gifts. Although I am more than willing to give to someone else, I still dont feel right taking from someone, seemingly being in their debt. Its like my life motto is "What mine is yours, and whats yours is yours." I remember telling my mom that she really doesnt have to buy me anything for Christmas anymore, I dont expect anything. And its true. But, with mom being mom, she is great when it comes to giving, and most of the time I feel like I shouldnt accept what she gives me. Especially in these times with the economy, when she gives me money, I feel like she needs it more than me. I dont have any bills to pay or anything, so really what do I need money for? But I know its rude to decline a gift, so I usually accept. And although I am truly thankful, Im not really sure how to express it.

This even hinders my relationship with God. When I am in trouble or struggling with something, I rarely pray about. I just try to work things out on my own, or ignore the issue altogether, which I know I shouldnt do either. If I pray about something, I feel like its a selfish request. Why should God care about my student loans or girl issues or illnesses? Arent there more important issues for God to deal with like world peace or starving children?

Anyways, theres a good long post of rambling.