Life

Yes, its nearly 3:30 in the morning. I have been studying for an exam for the past several hours, had a couple cups of coffee around 1am, and of course, now I cant sleep. My exam is at 10:30 in the morning. Im sure Ill be fine though.

But anyways, during my studying, I would take little breaks here and there to watch some Demetri Martin footage on Youtube. If you have some time to throw away, about 40 minutes or so, I would highly recommend watching this (Trent, you would find it interesting). He is a comedian, but also a thinker, and analyzer. And a very very smart person. He starts off by saying "The unexamined life is not worth living." Those are the very first words he says. Of course, this sparked my interest. I over analyze nearly everything. And life is no exception.

So Im laying here in bed trying to sleep, and I cant stop thinking about life and why I do the things I do and where I want to take my life and all of the options available. And Im thinking about other peoples lives as well. I dont know how others view life, what their thoughts and opinions are about how to live their lives. I dont know if they think the same things that I do. But in my mind, they dont.

I view a steriotypical American life as this: birth, childhood, adolescence, college, career, marriage, children.......long period of previous three.......retirement, lots of golf and cadillac, then death. That is the image of how everyone should live their lives. Those are lives natural steps.

As I was lying in bed, a visuallization popped up into my head about life. I feel like Im living in a box. It is finite, there are edges and limits, but there is very much room to move around, and I can go in any direction I would like. And eventually, no matter which direction I choose to go, I will hit an edge and that will be it. I will no longer be trapped in the box. And compared to whats outside of this box, the box is unbelievably tiny. And compared to the unbelievably tiny box, I, as a person, am crazy tiny.

But this is how I view others. Im probably wrong, and Im probably generalizing, but I view others as living on an infinate line on a sphere, the line just goes round and round. They have no other direction to go but forward. There are several dots on the line, and they are just traveling from one dot to the next, or one goal to another, traveling from college to career, check that off the list. And they think that this will go on forever. They cant see past the horizen of the sphere, but they think it will just go around and around. They arent concerned with limits or boundaries. Are you following me?

Why do I visualize this? Do others think that way because thats how they were taught? Because society makes us beleive we have a set pattern or direction to life?

These 'other' people have goals. I just figured out that I have no goals. I also have no career ambitions. Why is that? Im trying to figure it out. Maybe I dont have goals because if I have no goals, then there will be no disappointment if I dont acheive them. Or maybe its because I expect the unexpected to happen, which will interfere with my goals. My only goal is to wake up each morning. Thats all I expect from life. When I no longer wake up in the mornings, Ill know that I have succeeded in my goals of all of the past mornings.

Like I said, I have no career ambitions. The only thing I expect from a career is to earn me enough money to survive. Because really, what is a career anyways? A career to me is something that I am forced to do from 20-something to 60-something to obtain things, to make my family happy, to keep me busy, to make me believe that Im contributing something, the list goes on. I hate the idea of a career. But then again, I cant avoid it.

Its well past 4am, I should get to sleep if I can. I would continue on to marriage, but ill save that for another time. I told you I overanalyze everything. Ill just remind myself that "The unexamined life is not worth living"