There is no Fear in Love

John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Last night at church we talked about risk and this was one of the quotes that was brought up. Of course John is talking about Gods love, but this got me thinking about Britney and relationships in general.

I have always been terrified of relationships. Even just the first step of starting one. I mean, I have always enjoyed dating, but only up until a certian point. I would much rather play it safe and be single, so thats what I did. I mean, relationships are risky. Here are some of the fears that I have had in the past: I always thought I would lose my freedom. I dont like to be told what to do and when Im around my friends who have girlfriends, it seems like they dont have any decision making abilities anymore, they always have to ask their signifcant other if its ok to do something. It always made me cock my head to the side and think, why would I want to be like that? Another fear, what if I change? Or what if she changes? What if we arent the same people we were so attracted to in the first place? Then what? Or, what happens if I get tired of this person. I have some friends that if I see them too much, I get tired of them, tired of being around them so I need to quit hanging out with them for a while. And sometimes I see people who have been in a long term relationship who just seem bored with each other, like they dont even want to be together, they just are because thats all they know, they dont even consider the possibilty of breaking up because they feel like theyre stuck with each other. I always took these things into consideration when choosing whether or not to continue a relationship with a girl. And most of the time, I chose not to. It wasnt worth the risk. I wasnt worth breaking her heart or getting mine broken. These fears also have always hindered my ability to show emotion or express any sort of love. I have never told a girl that I love her. There was always just too much involved with the word love, too many expectations, too much to live up with no room for failure.

But after hearing that quote "There is no Fear in Love" I realized that my fears have always held me back from love, not the other way around. I always thought that love would hold me back, but it was me that was holding back love.

Like I said before, I have been dating Britney for a couple of months now. I have had a couple of conversations with her before about relationships and told her how I felt. Ive told her about my fears of commitment and relationships. And she has told me about her fears. But last night, I thought I would take the risk. I wrote her a little email (since shes in Greece, its hard to communcate otherwise) and told her what I thought. Heres a little blip from the email:

I have something I want to ask you, and its probably pretty lame that I do over email, but I had a thought tonight. I know, uh oh, Bens thinking again, this cant be good. But I heard a quote tonight, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." That got me thinking about relationships. Like I said, Im terrified to be in a relationship, and that has always hindered my decision to move on with one. And that fear has always held me back from expressing any emotion or thoughts of love. But I want you to know that I do really like you. Youre different from other girls Ive dated. Youre not selfish, you can make me laugh, you are very caring, and youre one of the sweetest girls Ive ever met. Like I said before, its hard for me to find things that I DONT like about you. Im in love with your soft voice, youre girly girl nature with a rugged farmer girl background, your curly hair, and your beautiful BROWN (no matter what you say thats what color they are) eyes. I guess I just want to ask if we should make it official, if you would be my girlfriend. I know Im probably making a huge deal about this, but it is a huge deal to me.

She said that email made her cry, in a good way. She said yes of course. So for now, I guess Ill have to set aside my fears and just go with it.

Poor Decisions

A couple of days ago I blogged about how I like being young because I get to be stupid and make poor decisions. Well, I made one the other day. And it actually doesnt feel that great, actually I feel really stupid.

For lunch on Friday, I went to Harry's Chocolate Shop, one of the more popular bars on campus. Adam and I go nearly every Friday because they have a good lunch special and its just great being in that atmosphere, especially when its cold out. We are like regulars there on Friday afternoons, the waitress even knows us and expects us. But since it was the last Friday of the semester, we decided to invite several other guys in the house to join us. So I arrived there with Brad at about 1:30pm and met up with four other guys who had already been there a while, Adam was still at an exam.

When we got there, the guys already had a pitcher waiting for us, it was their third and couldnt finish it, so me and Brad took it. And usually when Adam and I go, we'll each have a beer with our lunch, or maybe even nothing, but since it was the last Friday, I decided to allow myself a couple more, but not enought to get drunk because I was taking a girl out later that night and I wanted to be prepared for it. So throughout our lunch, Brad ordered a couple more pitchers. Then Adam eventually came, and we ordered a couple more pitchers on top of that. I kept saying no more, but would cave in and finish my share. All in all, I think me and Brad had about 4 or 5 pitchers of beer. Thats a lot! We left Harrys at 5pm after being there for 3 and a half hours. Needless to say, I was gone.

So I had to pick up Christine at 7pm that night, we were going to a dance show in the art building, a show for the dance majors. She is on the Purdue Dance Team, so I thought she might be interested that. But anyways, once I got back to my room I started eating a bunch of crackers and drinking a ton of water to try and sober up. But I eventually fell asleep (passed out) on my couch at about 6pm. I was awaken by my buddies at 6:45, and I felt like I was in no shape to go anywhere. So I texted her that I couldnt go because I wasnt feeling well, but never sent it because that wouldve been really really crappy of me to cancel 15 minutes ahead of time. So before I left, I decided that I needed to get all of that crap out of me. So I went to bathroom and made myself purge. Once I got back to my room and got my teeth brushed, it was 6:57. I put on my coat and shoes and a ton of cologne, headed out the door, and sprinted to her dorm....I mean, I was at a full out sprint the whole way, which luckily isnt too far, only three or four miles. Ha, just kidding. But once we met up, I tried to play off that I wasnt drunk, but probably wasnt very convincing. I probably smelled like alcohol and vomit, and couldnt really walk straight. So as we were walking over to the art building, I confessed that I was still a little drunk from lunch and apologized, she just laughed and said it was fine, but who knows.

I sobered up during the dance show though. It was actually a pretty interesting show, and a lot shorter than I thought it would be. But anyways, as we were walking back I invited her back to ATO to hang out, and she agreed. So we talked for a while, then popped in a movie, then I walked her back.

But I feel really stupid that I got that drunk right before taking her out. I should have just stopped at the first pitcher. And I hope she doesnt think Im some big stupid fratboy drunk or something because she is a really sweet and really pretty girl. But anyways, theres one more lesson learned. Idiot award goes to me.

Fun Date

So a couple of weeks ago I met a girl named Lindsay. Ive been hanging out with her quite a bit lately, but havent really told many people. I dont wanna get my hopes up, its seems like every time I do, I get my spirits crushed. But anyways, yesterday I called her to see if she wanted to hang out for the night, go to dinner or something. I didnt even plan anything for the night, just knew that we were going to eat somewhere, not even sure where. I picked her up at 6 and asked her where she wanted to eat. We agreed on a really nice place called Red Seven in downtown Lafayette. So we ate there, I got some salmon (which was scrumtulescent), and she got some Thai dish. Somewhere during our conversations we got to talking about Candyland, not sure why though (some foreshadowing), but overall the dinner was pretty fun. We always have these weird conversations about random things......which I love doing.

After dinner we decided to walk around downtown Lafayette a little to check it out. But we didnt do that for long because it was so freakin cold out. So we drove to Starbucks and got some coffee. And what do we see there as we're waiting in line? Candyland. So as we were sitting there drinking our coffee, we played a game of Candyland and ate a giant rainbow cookie. She won the game. I was very upset.

So as we were drinking our coffee, we were trying to come up with things to do for the rest of the night. She knew that I was taking a ceramics class and had been asking if we could go to the art building and play on the wheel. I was hesitant because I didnt want the instructor to be in there and chew me out, but figured it would be worth the risk. So we headed there next. They also had a gallery going on, so we checked that out first. Then headed to the ceramics room. We played on the wheel for a while, she made a nice plate with swirlies, I made a couple of cylinders, it was a good time. Cleaning up sucked though.

Afterwards we were at a loss for what to do. I brought up the idea that later we should buy a disposable camera and head to the bars and get our pictures taken with a bunch of drunk people, so we were planning on doing that later. It was probably 9:30 or 10 by this time, so it was far too early to meet drunks then. So we just got in the car and started driving around, thinking we would see something interesting and check it out.

Then we created a really fun game in the car. I told her to get a coin and at every intersection we would flip the coin to decide which direction to go. Heads is left, tails is right. And she came up with the rule that if its the same side as the previous flip, we go straight. But after every 10 minutes or so, we would forget which side meant which direction. So she came up with the expressions "Left our heads....", and "Right on our tails." And needless to say......we got lost. But we just trucked on until we found something familiar. We eventually made it back to campus and back to ATO. Once we got back we watched to movie Blow, and after the movie we were too tired to take pictures with drunks and she had to get up early for church, so I dropped her off and called it a night.

So that was a pretty fun, random night.

Bad Day

I am having a bad day so far. First of all, I couldnt sleep last night, I woke up at about 4am because my bladder was gonna explode, and when I got back from the bathroom, I could not fall back asleep. I layed there for about two hours. My mind was just going crazy, I kept thinking about EVERYTHING. Then I got up this morning in just a blah mood. Lunch was blah also.

I went to my ceramics class, my only class of the day, hoping to brighten my spirits. The one girl that is in my class that I sorta had a crush on, well I asked her to be my date for a party we are throwing this saturday. I think her and her boyfriend split, but really it doesnt matter. This party on saturday is sort of like a high school dance type thing with food, dancing, hayride, but theres alcohol there, but you need to take a date. So I asked her a couple of days ago with no response, then asked again today and she said she couldnt go. I didnt get an excuse, but I dont really care what it was, she probably just didnt have enough time to make one up. She is the third girl to turn me down for this party. That didnt help my already bad mood. Then, we had homework due for this class, some sketches of an absract object based on a poem or song. So I did the sketches based on the poem I wrote, but didnt bring the poem to class. Needless to say, I got chewed out, and she didnt believe me that I actually wrote a poem, she thought I was making that up. On top of that, we are working on a hand made from clay, it has to be as realistic as possible, and I spent about an hour on just the thumb today. I got it attached, was in a bad mood for how difficult this hand had been to build, and...........it fell off the stand. The thumb broke, the hand became deformed, I had a few choice words, nearly grabbed the whole thing and threw it against the wall, but decided not to.

So that has been my crappy day so far. I just wanted to walk out in front of a car on my way back from class. Actually, the whole week has been kind of a rollercoaster. Im ready for it to be over. Except, it will only get worse since I have to be bartender for our Halloween party on Friday. So for the rest of the day, I might drive to Rochester to put some money in my account, I still havent paid rent for this semester. But once I do, I will once again be flat broke. Fun time is over.

Girl on the Trek

So, I have seen this girl about three times now, actually even twice today, and she makes me smile. There is a girl that rides a white Trek, just about like the one Todd rides, and everytime I see her, she just looks like she is really enjoying herself. Shes a fairly attractive girl, on a Trek, and is always smiling while riding. That makes me smile. I hope to see her around more, although, if she werent on her bike, I probably wouldnt recognize her.

The Power of a Smile

I love it when people smile. I think that there is so much power in just a simple smile. I think that people even become more attractive when they smile, its a lot better than looking angry or sad. If you know me, you know that I love to smile and laugh and try to make others laugh and smile. I am somewhat witty, I like to crack stupid jokes and say things that I think are funny, but sometimes others dont get my humor. I love to see people smile, but not pitty smiles, or fake smiles. I like to see real, genuine, nonthreatening, loving smiles, teeth or no teeth, a smile is a smile.

The other day I was walking to class, it was just a normal, average day. Usually when I walk to class, I like to look at people, I look at everyone! Im a huge fan of people watching. And normally when I pass someone and make eye contact with them, they quickly look away to lose eye contact. Im not really sure why they do this. And sometimes when they look at me and keep eye contact for a second or two, I will shoot them a smile, guy or girl (but especially for the ladies, wink wink). But on this day, I noticed a very beautiful girl coming my way, and of course this put me in panic mode when she looked at me. Then she shot me a smile before I could. What a great feeling! That one smile from this particular girl just made the rest of my day. That is what I mean about smiles being powerful. Just a simple smile could make someones day. Just think, if you smiled at each person you passed, think of the number of people you are impacting!

Can you guys think of any other examples of what Im talking about? What are some other ways a smile could be powerful?

Brokenhearted for No Reason

Im feeling a little melancholy tonight. I was having a pretty decent day, pretty average day in terms of emotion up until a couple hours ago.

There is a girl in one of my classes who just takes my breath away when I see her. This doesnt happen to me too often. I see pretty girls every day here at Purdue, pretty girls who, for the most part, know that they are pretty.....which in part makes them ugly to me. Pretty girls who are pretty because they wear just the right amount of makeup, dye thier hair just the right color, and thier skirt is just short enough. But this girl in my class has a humble, natural beauty to her. And most of the time, I feel like I cant take my eyes off her, and I catch myself glancing over at her about 85 times during class period, which Im sure everyone has noticed. She is absolutely gorgeous, shes got beautiful wavey brown hair, big brown eyes, slender waist with long legs, and the perfect smile. She gives me a feeling that I havent felt since high school when I would see my crush that I never acted on. I guess you could say I have a crush on her. I havent really had a crush in a long time. Its nice to feel these feelings again. Ive talked to her a couple of times, she is usually sitting on the other side of the room with her back to me, so every once in a while I look for a reason to go over there and small talk. This class isnt like the normal classroom setting, its an art class where we are free to wander, where we work on our own during the 3 hour class period.

But, alas, she has a boyfriend. She is not available. I will never be with her, at least not anytime in the near future. My heart sank when I found this out. The feeling is similar to that of having a pet die or something. Maybe that is a little blown out of proportion, but I think you get my drift. So, tonight, I feel a little melancholy.

The Glory Days

So last night I was rummaging through my junk drawers in my bedroom that are full of pictures and.......just plain junk from high school. I was flipping through all of the pictures thinking, "yeah, those were the days...," although Ive only been out of high school for three years. But I did find a few things that I had completely forgot about and had no idea I had saved. I found a few letters and notes and cards from girls that I had dated back in high school. I can't believe I used to be such a stud back then (thats possibly a huge overstatement). I was reading these notes that were saying things like, "Thank you for being that special person and always being there for me" and "You are the best friend a girl could have" or "I hope to get to know you more", yeah, stuff like that. I remember back when used to work at Kmart, I would get these notes stuck on the windshield of my Jeep after work. I dont know what I'm doing differently these days, but I just dont get that kind of feedback anymore. I can't keep a girl interested in me for more than a week anymore.

Now, Im not saying that I was Gods gift to women, actually, quite the contrary. I am really not good at dating. Im not really sure whats good etiquette for dating and whats not, and Im pretty shy around people I dont know, so im not sure why these girls were that interested in me. But once I start to get to know someone, I start to be myself more. Which, if you have ever met me......Im really not would you wouldve expected. I've been told by.....actaully every girl Ive dated, that I'm not like other guys. Now, I'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. They say its good.......then a week later stop talking to me. But I stay optimistic. If someone doesnt like me for who I am, then they arent worth dating anyways.

But, most of the time, about 99.2% of the time, I am single. And I enjoy it. Most of the time I feel sorry for people my age who are in long-long-long term relationships. But, sometimes I do get jealous of them. Now, I am a pretty independent person. And I am a slight introvert. So I am alone a lot of times, which, I like to be left alone most of the time. But like everyone else, I also get lonely. This is when I would like to have a girlfriend, someone I can talk to, someone I can love and who will make me feel loved.

But like I said, I feel sorry for people my age in long term relationships that will end up in marriage. Actually a few people I graduated with are already married. Now, I have two problems with people getting married so young.

NUMBER 1. I am only 21. I have been out of high school for three years. Thats three years that I have been on my own, free to do whatever I want. ONLY three years. If I get married right now, I will have only had three years of freedom. Right now, if I wanted to, I could leave everything and move to China underneath the Great Wall and live off the land. If I was married.....yeah right. I need a lot more than three years to LIVE ON MY OWN. LIVE. Im not saying that marriage is death........but close. Death to individualism. Death to choices.

NUMBER 2. Generally when someone gets married, they say things like,"Well, we have decided to wait two years before we have children...." Why do you need to plan your life out like that? When you say stuff like that, who is in control of your life? You are, right? It shouldnt be like that. God should be in control of your life. Now if God is saying,"wait two years" then you know its right. But I guess sometimes it is hard to decipher between Gods voice and our own. In addition, If you have children at 23, you are still a child yourself. A child cannot raise a child.

Wow, I really bounced around in this post haha. But these kinds of thoughts comfort me. I used to think that if I havent been in a long term relationship by now that there is something wrong with me. But I dont think thats the case anymore. I think I'm right where I need to be. I'll know when the time is right to settle down. Now as for my committed relationed friends...I think that if you are in love, truly in love, and you know you are going to spend the rest of your life with that person, it would just be plain stupid to call it off, just for freedom. You already know what its like to be with that person, obviously things are working if youre still together, so all the better to you. Now, if you are someone who is getting married just to be the first to get married, or for its pleasureable benefits, thats retarded. Thats a divorce waiting to happen.

But to end, Ill head back to the glory days and post a couple of pictures I found in my junk drawer of the ladies and I.