Beautiful Outlaw

Like I said in last nights post, I'm reading a book right now titled Beautiful Outlaw by John Eldredge. So far its a pretty good book, kind of slow at first but picks up speed. I'm just over half way through it right now, so I'm getting into the meat and potatoes of it!

Basically the book is about the true personality of Jesus. I say "true" because, as mentioned in the book, religion over time has made Jesus into a sort of cartoon figure that is good and holy and perfect, but not really.......real. He is kind of monotone, with a serious expression on his face, and yells at you for doing bad things. He is put on a pedestal. He is made out to be too holy for us. His robe was always brilliant bright white and his hair always perfectly shampooed and brushed. And that is kind of depressing because it means that he is not equal to us. But I agree with what John is saying in his book.....that Jesus was a real person with real feelings and real pains, just like us. And he had a personality like the rest of us, he was joyful and playful and fierce and angry and sarcastic like us. At one point in the book (this really set me aback) he explains that Jesus "left Judea and headed back once more to Galilee." Usually when we read that in the bible we pass over without any further thought.......but that's over 70 miles away! And he walked! In sandals! Several times! Imagine the blisters! Did you know that in the original version of the bible, there was no Thou or Thee? They didn't write Jesus' words in red? They didn't even capitalize the H when referring to "him"? Over the years we have glorified him so much that it is setting him apart from us, he is too good for us anymore. And thats a shame, because I don't think that was Gods intention.

The purpose of the book is just great because it brings into perspective what God did for us, sending his son to die for us....for the sole purpose of wanting to be closer to us, wanting to be at ground level with us, not be some unattainable, fierce warrior God that we should constantly fear. But he wants to be friends with us. He wants to let us know that he knows what we are going through, because he did the same things we are doing. I know that this is not ground breaking but when you read the book it makes it much clearer, you realize that its more than just words that you've heard over and over, it's.......well, real.

I thought of this the other day, Jesus was just an ordinary person right? He looked like a regular human being, dressed like one, walked like one, talked like one, because....well, he was one. What if God were out there today somewhere in the world? What if he were just an ordinary person in the mall, that guy with the potbelly that sits and watches everyone walk by? What if he were that person that you honked at or cursed at in traffic because they were going too slow? Or what if he were that waitress you sneered at for forgetting to take the onions off your burger? Or what if he were that person you passed and ignored instead of saying hello? Or that guy you laughed at because he looked funny?

I think that he is all of those people.

How terrible would that be if I laughed at God because he looked funny?

Gods Presents vs. Presence

Today I was trimming at the cemetery, like I usual do, listening to my ipod, to some Christian music that I havent listened to in eons, and I cant for the life of me remember who the band was or what the song was called but I remember hearing just two simple words in the song that really caught my attention. "Gods Presence." At first, I misunderstood the meaning, I instantly had a visualization of a wrapped 'present', one with silver wrapping paper and big red bow on top. This got me thinking, of course. I mean, what else is there to do while trimming at the cemetery than think.

Lately I have been trying to do something a little different. I have been in such a blah mood since around Christmas time, so I have been backtracking to see what Im doing differently in my every day life, to try and see if I can change whats been going on. And one conclusion that I came to was that I had not been looking for Gods presence, I had been looking for Gods presents. I think that so many of us think this same way. We all want what He has to offer to us, what He is capable of, what He is willing to give. And we constantly pray for his presents. "God, do this for me......God, can I please have that.....God, help me in this situation" We start looking for his presents and forget about his presence. And the only time we ever acknowledge His presence in the process of following His presents.

Follow?

Since some time last week, I have been doing a little experiment. The thing I have been doing differently was I have been trying to find God everywhere. I have found him in my trimming, in the face of a gopher, in the joy of a redneck prancing around in a storm, in the expressions of children at a parade. Sometimes, He is just so easy to find. Other times, He isnt. Hes hard to find in times of struggle. Hes hard to find in times of need. Hes hard to find in the clutter. But as He promised, He is still there.

As I had mentioned earlier, I have been reading a book entitle God is Closer than You Think. The book compares God to Wheres Waldo. In the Wheres Waldo books, you stare at a page for an extended period of time to try to discover the goofy looking, striped shirt wearing nerd of a Waldo. And its much easier to spot him at the beginning of the book than toward the end, right? Well, just think of it in terms of Gods hiding. He isnt always right there in front of you, most of the time you have to be patient and look for him. He is lost in the clutter of society and often times seems to blend in, but He is there.

I have noticed a change even in the past few days. Worry is slowly melting away and optimism is setting in. And I remember now what made me feel so warm and content last summer, discovering Gods presence.

Sex Offenders

So for the last couple of hours, Ive been looking at this Family Watchdog website, and for some reason I am hooked on it. I would not recommend looking up this website, simply because it is very addicting. Its a website with a list of sex offenders all around the US. The descriptions include a picture, what they did, when they did it, where they did it, where they are now, and a bunch of other personal info.

I started with, of course, Bremen. There were a few in the area, more than I thought would be. One person in Bremen was convicted of rape and voluntary manslaughter, but luckily he lives on the other side of town from my sisters. That just blows my mind that there is someone in my town that had killed a person.

Then I moved on to South Bend, West Lafayette, Los Angeles (full of rapers), and have now been stuck on New York City for quite a while now. I cant even describe how terrified I am of New York based upon the number of sex offenders. It has taken me a good half hour to forty minutes to look at all of the people within one mile of the center of New York. I am completely astonished.
In West Lafayette, there is a man that lives within a few blocks from the apartment I will be living in next year that had committed murder. MURDER. He killed a person, and he is living within bullets distance of me.

But most of all, as I am going through this list, I try to look at each and every person and see them as a person. I have to try and understand why they did what they did. I look at their picture and wonder what went on throughout their life that led to that moment, the moment where their one wrong decision would affect the rest of their life. I had to imagine each person committing their crime, how it happened, why it happened, who the victim was, how it affected that person, if they feel bad, if they even care at all.

I imagine these people as children, each and every one of them was a child at one point, playing with their friends, going to school, looking up to someone. Were they teased? Were they abused? Were they fatherless, motherless? Who were their influences? When was the turning point from innocence?

I imagine each of them was a newborn, at one point their mothers had wrapped them in their arms after birth.

I try and love them. I try to see them as human beings and love them. But then I go back to what they had done. These people look terrible. They look jaded, worn out, most of them look either drugged up or intimidating. They rape children. They sexually abuse their wives. They commit unimaginable acts. I can't love them. I can't love a rapist. I can't love a child molester. I can't love a murderer. But God does.

Why?

One man had committed 1st degree rape, incest, and sexual abuse...on a five year old. Why does God love him?

I have never committed a crime, sexually abused someone, raped anyone, or even been in a fight. I have a personal relationship with our God and love and worship Him. And He loves these rapists just as much as he loves me. This is astounding to me, and also very confusing.

Those were my thoughts from Family Watchdog.

He Makes Me Smile

So tonight I went to church here at Purdue, the one I always go to, Purdue Campus Christian House. I went to the 8pm service alone tonight. I was gonna go with Cam but he bailed at the last minute so I went by myself. Luckily I knew someone there and she let me sit with her and her husband.

But anyways, there are certain, little things in life that just absolutely thrill me. And one of those things is worship. I love it! I love singing, I love thinking about the words, and I love singing to God. And I always have to close my eyes during worship because I get easily distracted by pretty girls and shiney objects.

I didnt always like worship though. Actually it used to be my least favorite part because I dont really like to sing in front of people. But I always used to aim my attention toward myself during worship, only thinking about peoples reactions if they heard my voice. Once I realized that its not about me, it became much more enjoyable. Now I sing at the top of my lungs for Him.

But anywho, every single time we worship, I have to smile. I cant help it, there is just this overwhelming joy that comes over me. I start thinking about how happy it makes God to hear the words I sing, and that these words are only for Him. And sometimes, I just stop and listen to everyone else sing. Not because I wanna hear who is singing and who isnt, or who is good and who isnt. I stop and just listen to the beauty that we are creating. The beauty of all of these different voices mixed with the talent of the band. And its all in the name of God. All for Him. That makes me smile even more! What a powerful connection this gives us with God.

But sometimes I dont smile during worship.

Lately I have been pretty out of touch with God. I feel like I am pretty much a Sunday Christian nowadays, and that really bugs me. I havent touched my Bible since.....probably this summer. And I just dont see God in everyday situations anymore. I want to, but I hate to say that life consumes me nowadays, and frankly, Im just not looking anymore. I cant look up anymore, only at my feet.

I was thinking about this tonight while walking back from church. I was thinking about how this had happened. Im still not sure exactly how, but its probably because I have been thinking of only me. Living selfishly. Which is not a good thing. Not at all. Ive been walking alone.

But last weekend I went to church back home, Horizen Ministries. And of course, I couldnt wait until worship. But this time I didnt smile. I sang the words, processed the words, and was overwhelmed by this huge feeling of love. I usually feel this way during worship, but this time it was different. I started thinking about the way I had been living the past few months, being so selfish and shutting God out of my life, and when I was overcome by this feeling of love, I couldnt handle it. I felt like I didnt deserve it. And couldnt fathom why He would still love me after what I had done to Him. This time, a smile didnt cover my face. This time, tears filled my eyes. And I tried my hardest not to let it show, being so prideful and all. But these tears started out as sad tears, then turned quickly into joyful tears. Isnt it amazing to think of His love and forgiveness. All we have to do is give Him a chance.

Sin Management

I have been thinking about this one for a while, just havent quite figured out all of the points I want to get across, but Ill give it my best shot. Its about sin management, as you can guess, and its the way we deal with our sins, how we manage them, in order to keep us pure. I feel that a good portion of Christians are living the sin managing lifestyle. Im not saying that its not good to shoot for a pure lifestyle, I just feel that most people are doing it for the wrong reasons. They are in it for themselves. They are only doing it to better themselves, but dont look past that and see how it affects others, or more importantly, God. Havent we already been saved from our sins anyways? The work has already been done for us. Why do they keep putting so much effort in controlling their sin "for God" when He has already taken care of that?

Its so much easier to not do something bad than it is to do something good, isnt it?

I think we should worry less about ourselves and how pure we seem, and shift our concerns to others. Worry about Charles and Heather and how we can help them, instead of how we look while we are talking to them. "But what if someone I know sees me?" Big whoop. What if God sees you? What would His reaction be? Delighted, Im sure.

I think this guy states it better:

"A focus on sin and its dynamics plays nicely into the enemies hands. We don't concern ourselves with the impact of the gospel on the world; we gather in tidy fortresses to ensure that we are a pure people. Instead of asking how our sin, and self-centered behavior, affects others, our primary concern is our own salvation and purity. We become self centered in an effort to live the gospel of the kingdom, which is meant to get us beyond ourselves in giving our lives for the world.

"In the kingdom of God it is not so. Rather, we seek first His kingdom and justice.. and let Him worry about the rest. Salvation is already ours.. the Father DELIGHTS to give us the kingdom. Let's concern ourselves with His concerns.. the hurting and lost outside the walls."

I think that God would be more delighted in us for doing something good rather than us not doing something bad.

Actually this has reminded me of some scripture: Matthew 25:14-30 (The Message)

14-18"It's also like a man going off on an extended trip. He called his servants together and delegated responsibilities. To one he gave five thousand dollars, to another two thousand, to a third one thousand, depending on their abilities. Then he left. Right off, the first servant went to work and doubled his master's investment. The second did the same. But the man with the single thousand dug a hole and carefully buried his master's money.
19-21"After a long absence, the master of those three servants came back and settled up with them. The one given five thousand dollars showed him how he had doubled his investment. His master commended him: 'Good work! You did your job well. From now on be my partner.'
22-23"The servant with the two thousand showed how he also had doubled his master's investment. His master commended him: 'Good work! You did your job well. From now on be my partner.'
24-25"The servant given one thousand said, 'Master, I know you have high standards and hate careless ways, that you demand the best and make no allowances for error. I was afraid I might disappoint you, so I found a good hiding place and secured your money. Here it is, safe and sound down to the last cent.'
26-27"The master was furious. 'That's a terrible way to live! It's criminal to live cautiously like that! If you knew I was after the best, why did you do less than the least? The least you could have done would have been to invest the sum with the bankers, where at least I would have gotten a little interest.
28-30"'Take the thousand and give it to the one who risked the most. And get rid of this "play-it-safe" who won't go out on a limb. Throw him out into utter darkness.'



Long post, I know, but I think you get the point now.

Elections are finally over!

Im pretty disappointed that elections are over, Im really gonna miss all of those campaign commercials! Yeah right. Im pretty pleased with the turn out, I pretty much expected Obama to win, but wouldnt have been torn if McCain won. Obviously, I voted for Obama. Of course, if you know me, I dont like things to stay the same. Im addicted to change, remember.

Im really surprised at the reactions of people after the elections. I got on Facebook because I knew that people would have some things to say, but everyone just went nuts! It was like a war. People saying things like "the world is gonna be run into the ground", "heres to the new socialist republic", and my favorite "F*** Obama....Christian nation my a**, America is full of ignorant people." I left a comment to that guy, I was pretty upset about this comment, I probably shouldnt have but I said, "....and youre an ignorant Christian." As a Christian, I was offended by this comment. How you can be so judgemental to me? I really wish I hadnt made the comment though, because I now realize that I was also being judgemental.

But anyways, we'll see how Obama does with this whole President thing. Im pretty excited to see some things change, but hopefully he does it responsibly and with our best interests in mind.

Check These Out!

These are some HILARIOUS videos I found. Today at church, we watched the second video, I was laughing SOO hard! Enjoy!

People and our Things

I am finding out more and more that people love their things, their possesions, their trinkets, their stuff. And it seems like the more things they have, the more they want. That just doesnt make any sense. And some people just wont let others be near their things. But then there are others who realize that their stuff is just that, stuff. Just this weekend I ran into a couple of cases of both. The first incident was that one of my friends let me borrow his car for the weekend. This was a very generous gesture, considering he has a pretty nice car and I would be driving a couple hundred miles the whole weekend. When I asked to borrow it, he didnt even put up a fight, basically a quick "yeah sure" and some basic rules like "dont wreck it." But then I ran into the other people. Someone wouldnt let my dad borrow his truck for a day to tow our Samurai. He said that he didnt want anything to happen to it, if something where to happen, it would rather be himself that did it. Thats such bullcrap. Not to mention an insult to my dad. Its just a truck.

Then there are the people that have it all but its still not enough. I hate to pick on people, but I have to give an example: A family friend has three motorcycles, two of which are his wifes(the 650 didnt have enough power), three offroaders, a boat, four vehicles, a hot tub, a swimming pool, and many other little trinkets, and the other day he was talking about getting another smaller trailer, aside from the long one, in case he only wanted to haul one vehicle instead of two. When is enough....enough? Holy cow, how can you own so much and still not be content? I have another friend (hes gonna read this and hate me) that has four ipods, just got a shuffle recently because the other three were too big, couldnt work out with them. I mean, Im not saying that Im perfect in this area either, I too like having "things" (luckily I can never afford to own more), I just have to remind myself that things, take my car for example, is just a bunch of metal and plastic and rubber strategically placed together to produce a swift mode of transportation.

While AJ and I were on our trip, while watching the sun rise we were next to this big, beautiful house on the beach and I made the sarcastic comment that their pool, hot tub, awesome veiw, boat, second story, and what was probably their second house probably made these people really happy. He got a kick out of that. Are our things making us happy? Maybe for a couple of days. I know that I get a thrill out of a brand new possesion. But does it make us happy to own more, and more, and more?

Todd and I had a conversation earlier this summer that stuck with me about people and their possesions. It was a little far fetched, but it would be awesome if it were true. He wondered why we couldnt all just share our possesions, he asked why every single family needs their own lawn mower, why not just have one mower for the whole block that we could use when we needed? During TNT(Thursday Night Thing) at Campus House Church, we are studying Acts in the Bible, and it says that the early church did this. They would share their possesions, their possesions didnt belong to one single person, but a whole group of people.

I really dont have a solution to all this, I just wish we wouldnt focus so much on our possesions. It seems like a waste of time.

Noise

So tonight I once again played in the band at Greek IV, this time on the electric guitar. It was an alright time, and again I only had about an hour to learn three songs, which I ended up not playing the last song because I had never heard of it and the chords were wrong on the sheet and everything was messed up about it. What was disappointing about tonight, though, was that there were very few people who showed up to Greek IV, maybe 25 people. But there are midterms going on this week, so I guess its understandable.

But the message tonight was pretty ironic. We watched a Rob Bell video tonight about noise. He talked about why we feel the need to constantly be listening to music, watching tv, talking to people, texting, surfing the web, playing video games, and so on. Why cant we just be in silence for a little bit. At one point in the video, everything went black and silent, for quite a while, and Ill admit, it was a tad uncomfortable. And Im guilty of this too, I even feel wierd walking to class without my ipod playing, or driving without the radio on. Why is it so uncomfortable to be in silence? It says in Luke(?) that Jesus constantly went places to be alone in silence and pray.

What was so ironic for me was that lately I have been trying to be alone. Ive been trying to get away and be in silence and talk to God. Trying to separate myself from all of the clutter and constant motion here at Purdue. In the past week, I have been out three times at three different places to just sit down and be in silence, to try and hear Gods voice, which is exactly what we talked about tonight. Its really one of my favorite things to do, just lay there and listen, try to make sense of things, try to get a sense of God, listen to what Hes telling me.

I always get interrupted though. Whether its a car driving by, or a nosey police officer, I cant seem to get away. During the video, Rob had a statistic from a man that recorded the sounds of nature for CDs or something. He said that back when he began, it took about 15 hours of recording get 1 hour of pure nature sounds, because of trying to avoid the sound of airplanes and cars and so on. But today, it take 2000 hours to get 1 hour of sound. We are very noisy, no wonder its so hard to hear God, it will take 2000 hours of listening to hear 1 hour of Gods voice.

One is a Tiny Number

So today I was sitting in class thinking about the world population. Lately Ive been trying to be alone, trying to go places where I can just be by myself for a little bit. Thats why I went to the dirt road, a few days later I went to another secluded area near a highway, where I was interrupted by a passerby. Then Sunday I went to the top of a parking garage at night to watch people and cars below, where I was inturrupted by a police officer wondering what I was doing. So I was sitting in class today thinking that there is really no where I can be alone. There are 6.6 billion people on this planet, so I am bound to be inturrupted by one of them anywhere I go, it seems. Then I got to thinking about how big the number 6.6 billion really is. I mean, we all know that it is a pretty big number, but I dont think you realize how big it really is. So I put the number into seconds, to put it into perspective. One second is not a very long time, as we all know, but 6.6 billion seconds really ads up. So I crunched the numbers, and was astounded by what I found.

1 million seconds ago was 11.5 days ago, which would be September 19, not too long ago. I was surprised by how little time this was.

1 billion seconds ago was 31.7 years ago, roughly January 1977, this one shocked me!

But what was even more shocking was that 6.6 billion seconds ago was 209.25 years ago, roughly June 1799. June of 1799!!

I am only one second in 209 years!! One second in nearly three lifetimes! This is slightly belittling, but also very humbling.

Laying Under the Stars

Well, tonight I did a little something out of the ordinary. I was rushing around, doing my daily stuff like a walmart run, fixing a flat tire on my car, getting art supplies, you know, just the usual running around. It was about 9 o' clock at night, and I had decided on my way back from Walmart that I needed a break. I needed a break from constantly doing something, I needed a break from seeing people, being social. I needed to be alone for a while. So, I started driving. I wasnt really sure where I was going, actually I got lost pretty quickly, I just found some country roads and went from there. I figured if I got too lost, I would be able to just backtrack to find my way home. So I turned my music off, rolled down all of the windows, opened the moonroof, drove really slow, like 30 mph, and just took it in. Just enjoyed the air swirling around the interior of my car, seemingly smacking me in the head in all directions. I drove until I found no more civilization.

Then I decided that I needed to get out of the car. So I drove until I saw no more cars. I eventually hit a dirt road. I wandered down the road, not too far though, I didnt want to get my car filthy dirty since I just washed it a couple of days ago. Then I stopped. I pulled over to the side of the road, got out of my car, walked down the road a little ways, and just layed there in the middle of this dirt road. It was wonderful! It was great to just get away for a while. It seemed like I was a million miles from campus, when in reality, I was only about 10 miles away. I didnt really think of too much, just how great it felt to feel the dirt on my back and head, and feel the cool air swirl around me, and hear all of the crickets and insects around me. I mostly just thought about how bad it would suck if I got hit by a car, but that fear dimished quickly since I hadnt seen a car for miles. One thought that popped into my head while laying there was what it must have been like for people hundreds of years ago, wondering if someone was doing the exact same thing in the exact same spot from where I was two or three hundreds years ago. I was trying to imagine what it must have looked like. The powerlines wouldnt have been there. The corn wouldnt have been as tall, if there at all. The road may not have existed. No airplanes in the sky, no satellites to look for. But the sky would have probably looked amazing. No light pollution, just billions of twinkles lighting up the night sky.

I didnt stay very long though, maybe 15-20 minutes. But that was all I needed. I felt refreshed after that. And it was a good reflection time. I felt connected with God in that moment, I felt like He was there with me, enjoying the sights and sounds and feelings along with me.

Through Painted Deserts

So, I finally finished reading the book Through Painted Deserts by Don Miller. It only took me like 5 weeks to read it! I was a little confused about the book at first, I thought it was going to be a little more spiritual just like Blue Like Jazz, but it was basically just a story about him travelling around the US with his friend Paul in a VW van. But I thought the book was great! Very interesting. There are points in the book that really agree with my simplicity concept. He said that for a few weeks he lived out in the woods with a few other guys, and it was one of the best times of his life. I 100% agree that the simpler things are, when its nothing but you and Gods beautiful painting called the Earth, when you are just out there building relationships, the happier you will be, life will seem like it has a point. I liked this book because I could really relate to thier situation. I believe Don was 21 when these occurances took place. I could definately see myself going on a trip like this, if it werent for this stupid, moneyhungry, college thing. Waste of time, waste of money, so far.

Since I have come back to school, I have gotten everything I have needed, and mostly everything I wanted. I can buy gas for my car now, so I drive a lot. I can buy food from any restaraunt, so I eat out quite a bit. I can afford to go to the bars with my friends every weekend, so I do that. And you know what, its convenient and fun. But Im really not as appreciative as I was this summer when I could afford nothing. I feel like Im taking everything for granted now. I miss the simple life.

Rest of the Weekend

Woke up at about 11am, I ended up staying awake until like 3am last night. I got so much sleep during the day, I wasnt really tired last night. I sat around during the first half of the day, just watched TV, got on the internet for while, just killed time. Then I left to go buy some new gym shorts. I lost my good ones somewhere so Ive been working out in my pajama shorts that I made. I get some looks in the wieght room. After I bought my shorts, I went to the ATM, went to CVS to buy some car cleaning products, then went to the car wash. It was time for my car to be totally cleaned. Got it vacuumed, armoralled, washed, the works. Came back to the house, only to leave again to work out. It was just a light workout, mostly just to do something because I was bored. I did 100 pushups, 20 pullups, and biked for 30 minutes. Came back, showered, then had to go to a cookout our fraternity had with one of the sororities, Kappa Alpha Theta....otherwise known as Thetas. I know several girls in that sorority, so it wasnt too awkward for me. I hung out with Meghan Phillips most of the time, I went to high school with her, we were the set of twins in our class. She gave me and AJ a tour of the house, its really not as nice as I thought it would be, thier rooms are really small and all look the same. But they have a courtyard in the center of the house, so that more than makes up for it. We also watched the Colts game while we were there, it was very exciting, yet disappointing. I met a couple more girls while there, it was just some typical small talk.

Then me and Cam left for church just before 8pm. The church I attend here at Purdue is called Purdue Christian Campus House, also known as Campus House Church, http://www.pcch.org/. This place is great, it reminds me a lot of Horizon, my church from home. They believe mostly what we believe at Horizon. And they have a great band too, worship is amazing. There are four different service times on Sundays: 9am, 11am, 6pm, and 8pm. I usually attend the 6 or 8 oclock services, mainly because I cant get up early enough for the morning ones. Tonight we talked about miricles. We are doing a series on who Jesus is for the next few weeks. This place really bring me back to seeing the big picture every week. I always get so caught up in everything here at school, Im always busy doing something, but its just me and Jesus on sundays. Unfortunately, it doesnt really stay that way the rest of the week. But it was a pretty good service tonight, as it usually is. And currently, I should be studying, but I dont really feel like it right now, maybe later. And Im watching Family Guy, so I have to wait till thats over.

So thats what happens for me here at Purdue. Just to let you in on what I do.

Tuesday Night Happenings

Tonight, again, I went to Greek IV. I touched up on what it was two posts ago. Again, it is like a church service for greeks on campus. But tonight was a little different for me. I wasnt just a spectator tonight, I was actually part of the band! It was great!

Ever since I have become greek, I have been going to Greek IV off and on.....more off than on though. There are a few things that I really dont enjoy about this service. Im not just being pesimistic here, I mean, I think that its great that a group of greeks are getting together every week to worship our Lord. But, I feel like there are some holes that need to be filled. First of all, I love worship. I love singing and closing my eyes and feeling the words and music and giving this beauty back to God. But at Greek IV, worship is awkward. It seems like the band doesnt practice together, they arent sure when to come in, get the words wrong often......its awkward for all of us. Secondly, something that really really bugs me, it seems that the people that come, and who run it, are there for the wrong reasons. I feel like some of the people are really fake, just putting on thier Christian face. When they talk to you it seems that they could really care less about you, they just want to show you how good of a Christian they are by coming to church. Thirdly, something that really really REALLY bugs me.......they shift thier attention away from God. They are more concerned with numbers. During discussion, it seems that they would rather discuss how to talk to our greek brothers or sisters about Christianity, and how to get them to come to Greek IV more than they discuss God! Church service isnt suppose to be about numbers, its about giving and worshipping our Lord! And then, I sometimes get the feeling it is more of a therapy session than a church service, we talk about how we can improve ourselves through Christ. I mean, everyone wants to change, and change for the better, but shouldnt we focus more on how to improve the world, improve Gods kingdom?

So last week, after the service, I walked up to the stage and asked them if they needed any help with the band. I told them that I play guitar and can sing, they said that they actually needed a couple of new guitarrists, so I said I would be there early next week with a guitar and warm up with them. Turns out that this week they were crazy short on people.....there were two other guys and me in the band. So I warmed up with them about a half hour before service, and Andy asked if I felt comfortable playing tonight, of course I said yes, and that was that. It was kind of tough though since I had never played the songs before and had about a half hour to learn three songs, but I managed.

Im going to play it low key for a few weeks, but I think that I would be able to change a few things, at least, thats what Im hoping. If you have ever met me, I am pretty blunt about my concerns (Todds driving haha), so I dont think that I should have a problem expressing my concerns to the people that run Greek IV. I just hope Im doing the right thing here. And hopefully they are open to my suggestions and dont get angry. Plus I have a little bit of experience with worship bands, so maybe I could get the band organized and we could rock out in style. I hope Im not in over my head. But I guess its really not up to me.....

To end, this has absolutely nothing to do with what I was talking about, but Jane sent me a picture that she had taken that was in reference to a Renoir painting. I saved it and played with it in Photoshop for a while to try to make it look like an actual painting that looks like it couldve been done by Renoir, and this is what I came up with. Im pretty proud of it.

I Just Dont Understand

So I was listening to a song on my ipod the other day, actually it was while I was driving home from Purdue. The song was entitled The Letter by the band Acceptance, and there is a line in the chorus that says "..and its bringing us together.....forever." I started thinking about the word forever, and I just couldnt wrap my mind around it! Forever. That means infinate. That, my friend, I imagine, is a very long time. But think about this: infinate means that there is no beginning or end. Its just....infinate, it goes on and on and on. Our lives will go on and on and on. What does that look like? I think that the reason I cant wrap my mind around this idea of no beginning or end is because everything in our lives has a beginning and an end. We are born (the beginning), then life ends (.....the end, of course). We start a job....then we quit or retire. We start a project...then finish it. Everything has a starting and stopping point. But, according to God, our lives will go on forever with Him...if you so choose. I picture THIS life as being a blink compared to what life is ahead of us. That is impossible for me to imagine.

Tonight I went to Greek IV, which is kind of like church for greeks (no, not geeks, greeks). We watched this amazing video of some guy (Giglio was his name) giving a sort of sermon to a group of people at a concert. He started out talking about how big the universe is. He was throwing out all of these figures on the number of galaxies there are, the size of this star compared to this planet compared to this star, how many Earths fit into this star or how many light years away this galaxy is.....basically telling everyone how ginormic the universe is. Now, I love to star gaze, and I often wonder while Im laying there underneath the stars, just why the universe is so big, I lay there trying to understand the distances involved.....and I cant. So I could relate to what he was talking about. Then, just as I felt as tiny and worthless as a flea, he started talking about how special human beings are. How we are simply made from one tiny cell combining with another. Again, he was throwing out figures on how small these cells are, how long and complex a strand of DNA is, how many years it would take to read our 'code' (it was like 96 yrs), just more information about how amazingly complex things are, and how fragile and special we really are. Basically, all of this information made my head want to explode. I was actually feeling a little queezy after hearing all of that information.

But wait, he wasnt done yet. Then he started talking about laminin. Now Im sure you all know what laminin is right? Ok, I didnt know either. Laminin is a protien that holds together every single cell in your body. I suppose without laminin, we would just fall apart. Its our glue. But the interesting thing about laminin is what it looks like. Well, the pictures are posted below. If you want the link to watch the video yourself, here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1EAmfOu9lE It is kind of long, there are like 4 parts to it on youtube, but it is absolutely amazing. My summary is no where near as impacting as his message.

I do have a point to all of this though. I think that we arent meant to understand these distances or figures or complexities. If we knew a tenth of what God knows, if we knew a tenth of the truth, our tiny little peanut heads would explode. This summer while I was in Vermont, a group of us went outside during the night and laid in the middle of the dirt road, flat on our backs, and just stared at the stars. Again, as I lay there, I was trying to relate to the distances and size of the universe, and was trying to figure out the truth. So, I asked Jim why he thought God made the universe so big? Hoping to get a clever and complex response, I recieved the simple response,"just to show how big He is." I thought about it for a while, and I think that he is absolutely right. God is bigger than the biggest star in the universe, further than the furthest galaxie, brighter than the brightest light......and yet smaller than the smallest cell in the body. He is......I cant even think of a word to describe Him! Every word I think of will fall short of what Im trying to say. And with all of His hugeness and mightyness, he is still our friend. He still wants us.......just us. Astounding. Watch the video.

My Story

Well, I have been putting this off for a while now. Im not really sure why, just didnt want to put the effort in or something. I get lazy from time to time (most of the time), and always seem to put things off forever. I actually had half a post done before I quit and started with this one.

But anyways, I know that I talk a lot about God and being a Christian, but I just wanted to have a chance to explain why I think about these things, why and how I became a Christian. I wasnt always a Christian, a true Christian. Yeah, back in the day if I were filling out a census or something, I would have marked Christian under the religion part. But I wouldnt have understood what it meant to be a Christian.

So it all started when I was about 4 years old. My family and I had started attending the Church of God in Bremen, and I vividly recall (and my mom would probably agree) the very first Sunday we went, the pastor came up to my family to introduce himself, and I believe the first thing I said to him was, "You're fat." Bad start. So for the next several years we attended that church....and I absolutely hated it. Well, not at first. I actually didnt really care at first, I wasnt sure what was going on, but I just thought it was boring. But later on though, I remember nearly every Sunday morning begging my mom to let me stay home, maybe even faking a sickness here and there. I couldnt stand waking up so early, greeting people I dont like, listening to the hymns, hearing stories about Jesus, and having no idea what they were about. The best part about Sunday morning church was getting to go home. And then, for a while, I had to go to Wednesday night youth group, and I hated that too. So, after a few too many years, we suddenly all stopped going. Im not really sure when or why this occurred, but I was glad that it did.

Now, as a child I was never really a bad kid. Although my nickname, given to me by my mom, was Devil-child, but thats just because I was loud and liked to break things. But I was usually pretty obedient in school, never got in serious trouble, never got a detention, got good grades, so its not like I was a wild child or anything.

So lets fast forward to my junior year of high school. There was a new kid at our school. Now you might be thinking,"big deal, there are hundreds of new kids to every school." But you have to remember that this is Bremen, where everybody knows everything about everyone, and gossip gets around. So we got this new kid, and for the longest time, I did not know what his name was, so I called him "New Kid", even when he wasnt even that new anymore. But eventually, I figured out his name, Dustin (my best friend in high school, Andy, I dont think he ever figured out his name, he always called him Travis for some reason). Dustin was this tall, super skinny, pale, red-haired kid with a very unique laugh. He was friendly, but I personally thought he was annoying at first. But eventually, not sure when or how this happened, we became friends. Actually, we became pretty good friends. We used to go to volleyball games together, basketball games, movies, whatever. We hung out quite a bit. And then he wanted me to start going to youth group with him at Community Gospel Church. I was a little hesitant about this, seeing as I strongly disliked church and all. So the first several times he asked, I turned him down. But then he kept asking, so I gave in and went one Wednesday night. And I really enjoyed it. So I went the next week. And the next. Then I started going Sunday nights also. It was fun to hang out with my friends and meet new people my age from other schools at this youth group, but I still felt awkward at the "churchy" parts of it, but it was tolerable.

Then one night during my senior year, actually I believe it was a Wednesday night after youth group, I was up in my sisters room on her computer chatting away with girls and whatnot when my sister came in and said that there was an accident and a high schooler from Bremen was killed in it. As you can guess, it was Dustin. At first, I didnt really believe it. I figured that it had to be someone else, and I kind of just let it go that night, didnt think much of it. But when I got to school the next day, it sank in. I had learned the truth, and was still in shock. All day, the whole school did nothing but think of Dustin. He had crossed the center line on a straight, flat road and hit a car head-on while he was coming home from work. No one really knows why he crossed the center line though.

So a few days later, I had attended his funeral. During the viewing, when everyone visited with his parents, I remember standing in the insanely long line saying to myself, Im not going to cry. But the second I got up there and started talking to his parents, I just broke down. Also, I remember perfectly, sitting there listening to the pastor give his respects to Dustin, talking about his life and talking about all of the Bible verses he had highlighted in his personal Bible. Now I had known Dustin for over a year by now, and we were pretty close, he had told me things about his rough past, how he had changed over the years, some really personal things. And I remember sitting there at his funeral thinking,"man, this kid had it together, and all because of Christ." So, as the pastor went on talking, I bowed my head and said a little prayer, something really short, just telling God that I was ready. Ready for Him to move in on my life. Wow, I am kind of tearing up typing this, just because I am so happy that I had made that decision.

Having a close friend, my own age, die in a car accident had made me realize that we are just here....then we're gone. Just like that. Living....then not living, in a split second. Any given second. It scared me. It made me realize that it couldve be me. It couldve been me in a casket at 18. And what would I have to say for my life at that age? Nothing. I'd be burning.

So there you have, thats my story.

God is Frowning

So I just finished a book tonight titled Sex God, another book written by Rob Bell. If you have never read any of his books, I would definately recommend them. His style of writing is so easy to read, although it is a little hard to take it all in during one sitting, so I will probably have to read it again to fully understand it all. But I started reading this book last night and finished it about ten minutes ago, which, reading a book in two nights is like a world record for me.

But anywho, one particular chapter really struck me, really made me view God in a different way. The chapter is entitled She Ran into the Girl's Bathroom. Rob is talking about how one time while he was at a middle school dance, he remembered the stereotypical scene of guys being on one side and girls being on the other side. Then every now and then a boy would get up the courage to walk across the cafeteria (thats where our dances were also held) and ask a girl if she would like to dance. He said that at one point, he too eventually worked up the courage, walked across the 'dance floor' and asked a girl if she wanted to dance. And her response was that she burst into tears and ran into the girls bathroom where she spent the rest of the evening. He took a chance at 'love' and was heartbroken.

We have all been heartbroken havent we? At one point in our lives we have taken the chance to love someone, to get to know them better than friends, only for them to stomp on our hearts, crushing it. And it always seems that the more we love someone, the harder the fall is, the more heartbroken we become.

Love is risky. We step out and take that risk, not knowing what the outcome will be.

Just think of that risk that God took on us. God loved us so much that He gave us the freedom to do whatever we want, even the freedom to love Him, or the freedom not to love Him. And what do we do time and time again? We choose not to love Him. We choose to love money instead. We choose to love food, alcohol, hobbies, sex, shoes, whatever. And this breaks Gods heart. And He loves us more than we have ever loved anybody....ever. So it breaks His heart more than we will ever know. And when do we love Him? When we need Him. When He gives us what we want. How pathetic are we?

Just think of us as being in a relationship with God, he is our girlfriend, or boyfriend, whatever sexual preference you would like. And He just gives and gives and gives. And loves and loves and loves. He loves and adores and cooks us meals and vacuums our floors and asks us how our day was and clips our toenails and lets us watch Ultimate Fighting, because He just can't get enough of us. And all we can do is think about this other person, wishing we could be with this other person. So we break up with Him. That is essentially what we did to Him. We broke up with Him. How do you think this makes Him feel? I guarantee He is frowning....if not bawling His mighty head off.

It says in Genesis 6:6 that God, "regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply wounded." Those are some strong words. But doesnt He have the right to say them?

The reason this really struck me is because it really put God at our level. Usually when I think of God, I think of Him as so distant, so powerful, so impenetrable, maybe even emotionless. Now He has feelings, He grieves, He hurts. Imagine when a boy asks a girl if she would like to dance, who has the power in that situation? The girl does, right? Because she has the power to say yes or no. She has the power to effect how he feels, whether it be thrilled at the sound of a yes, or embarrassed and regretful at the heartwrenching sound of a no. This is astounding to me because that means that God is giving us the power. We have power over God. Now, I know for a fact that God has infinate power, but doesnt this make sense? He is now at our level.

But it breaks my heart to know that we are breaking Gods heart. We are making Him frown. I picture Him sitting on His thrown with a big, sad frown on His face, maybe even a tear rolling down His cheek every once in a while.

Get it Off My Chest

There are a couple of things that I have needed to get off my chest for a while now but couldnt quite come up the words to explain. But Ill give it my best shot.

One thing that has been bugging me lately is that a while ago I was called a hypocrite for being a Christian and going into a strip club. Im still not really sure how to respond to that. I can see where one might think that way, but I dont really feel like a hypocrite. One response I thought of was to flip it. What if there is a stripper who happens to be a nonbeliever, is it hypocritical for her to be in a church? This might be totally out of context, but thats just a thought that popped up.

I just finished a book called Velvet Elvis written by Rob Bell, and in one section of the book he talks about Jesus going to an unexpected place with his disciples. It reads, "One account in the book of Matthew says that Jesus was talking to his disciples at Caesarea Philippi. This is one of those details that is easy to skip, but is significant. Caesarea Philippi was the world center of the goat god, Pan. People came from all over the world to worship this god. There is a cliff with a giant crack in it that the followers of Pan believed was the place where the spirits from hell would come and go from the earth. The crack was called the Gates of Hell. They built a temple for Pan there and then a court next to it where people would engage in sexual acts with goats during the Pan worship festival.
"And Jesus is there with his disciples. As good Jewish boys, they never would have gone to this place before."

I think that that is a hundred times worse than me going to a strip club. That is like taking a church youth group to a donkey show in Mexico. Isnt Jesus awesome though? Just living the journey, doing the unexpected. Going places 'Christians' wouldnt dare go. If you have never read the New Testament in the Bible, read about Jesus before, I would recommend it. Jesus is a pretty fly guy, not what you would expect. He's not what I expected at all.

Now, I know that I talk a lot about God, Jesus, and Christianity, but I just want to let you know that I am not a Bible-beater. Im not trying to be one of those annoying Evangelical Christians and convert the world. I am not trying to make nonbelievers feel like they are living the wrong way or doing things all wrong. I am not one of those Christians that believes that I shouldnt be a part of the world, that I should just hide in my church all the time, and never expose myself to the sin of this world, and never be associated with Non-Christians, and I have to be perfect all of the time, or at least pretend to be perfect. No, Im not like that. Actually, I am kind of the opposite. For the most part, I like nonbelievers more than I like Christians. The name Christianity has such a bad connotation these days. I am a Christian, and I still think this way. When I think of the word Christian, I think of the person that hides in a church, is never exposed to sin, and pretends to be perfect. They are pretending to be this person who has it all together, who never sins, who has life figured out, and who pretends to be happy all the time. I like nonbelievers because they arent pretending to be someone they arent. They are being themselves. (Now, I know that not all Christians and nonbeliever are like that, Im just generalizing here) But isnt that what God wants from us, to be ourselves. He created us as individuals with unique ideas and personalities, why shouldnt we express it? Now I will be the first to admit that as a Christian, I am far from having it all together, I sin just as much as the next person, and I am a little hazy on how life should be lived, and sometimes, Im just not happy. Do you know why? Because I am human, just like you.

I am from the midwest, the largest area of religous people in the country, so we have quite a few churches and most people claim to be Christian. I recently took a trip to Vermont with a few people from my church, not as a missions trip (because really, there was no mission), just to hang out and explore the land of Vermont. Something that struck me was how different the people are out there. I am so used to being in the midwest where everyone dresses the same, has the same hairstyle, drives the same car, ultimately everyone is trying to 'fit in'. So it was shocking when we went to this college town and saw so many different types of people. These people were individuals. I absolutely loved it. They are accepted for who they are out in Vermont. No one gives them a dirty look if they are sporting a mohawk out there. And the people I had met out there were fabulous. They were real. The people that owned the cabin that we were staying in invited us to dinner at thier main home one night, so we got to know them better that night. And I was taken aback when we walked in and Lynn told us that if we wanted something to drink we had to get it ourselves because she wasnt going to wait on us. Im not youre waitress tonight is basically what she said. I thought that was great, its like she instantly accepted us as family or something. She wasnt being mean about it, just honest. She wasnt trying to make herself look like a little perfect stepford wife and wait on us hand and foot, like im used to seeing. And this is just one example of my encounters with the Vermont dwellers.

Sunday

Sundays are great, they are my day when I do absolutely nothing. However, you may be saying to yourself, "But Ben, you do nothing every day, you have no job." Fact. I have no job. But I do all of my activities on one concentrated session, such as working out, biking, or doing small odd jobs. Such as yesterday, I made $40 detailing a motorcycle, making it look brand new. Three hours and some knicked up knuckles later, good as new. But today, I have planned on doing absolutely nothing. Currently Im sitting here watching Titanic....again. Its the only decent thing on TV right now......dont judge me haha. I dont even think I will get dressed today.

So something has been repeating itself over and over in my head since church last night. Yes, we have church on Saturday nights instead of Sunday mornings. I think its great though, stepping out of the norm. But anyways, everytime I go to church, I often space off, as most of us do. But I do mostly get what Jim is saying. But what stuck with me last night was when Jim said, "When we worry about something, it is because we feel that it is out of our control." Its our way of trying to control something. Recently I was applying for yet another student loan for school and they wanted to know how many outstanding loans I had, so I had to check. Thinking I only had about 7 or 8K in loans, which I feel is managable, I was horribly astonished to find out I was $26,000 in debt already. I am horrified! I dont even know what kind of job I am gonna get after college. I dont even know when/if I am going to graduate college! I might even have 3 or 4 years left! I feel so out of control of this situation, and I need to regain that control somehow.

But actually, I dont need to control the situation. I just have to put my faith and trust in God. Where God guides, God provides, right? Im fairly confident that things will work out. When people ask me what kind of job I can get from a fine arts major, I say that I have no idea, but things come up. And I believe that, I believe that things will come up. But then, every single time, the people that ask me that question then look at me as if they are saying in their heads, "this kid is nuts, he doesnt know anything about the 'real world'." Oh man, dont even get me started on the 'real world'. Ill talk about that another time, Ill just say that I dont believe there is any such thing. But anyways, Im just saying that I know that things will be okay in the end, without the help of me. I will only mess things up.

The Puddles of Life

So a couple of years ago I lived in a dorm that was one of the furthest from campus. Almost everyday, I would have to trek just short of a mile to class on these crumbling, sunken sidewalks. And every time it would rain, the sidewalks and roads became havens for puddles. Puddles everywhere. And I hated walking through the puddles. Everytime I would walk to class after a rainfall, I would get there and my shoes and the bottoms of my pantlegs would be soaked from the wet ground and large puddles. So what do you do when you dont want to get wet? You avoid the puddles, right? So thats what I attempted, to avoid the puddles.

Well, on one particular day, I was walking to class once more after a rainfall, trying to avoid all of these puddles. Its such a pain sometimes walking around some of the gigantic ones, walking through the grass, walking through the street, or sometimes I would even have to cross the street, walking far out my way to get around a puddle. Then I got to thinking, why am I putting so much effort in avoiding these puddles, it seems like more of a hassle than if I would just walk through them. Then, of course, I thought of how it related to our lives.

Why do we always put so much effort in avoiding our puddles in life? I think that we should trench through our puddles, without fear. Yeah, sometimes the puddles are actually deeper than they appear, or sometimes they seem to stretch for ages, but we eventually get through them, right? We eventually get to the other side, to dry land, is this not true? I think that we should embrace our puddles. We should try to enjoy walking through our puddles. But it will be hard to walk through them, knowing that we are getting wet though. But we will eventually dry, won't we? So get wet. And like it. How can we go through life being scared to get wet, never knowing what its like, even though we know we will dry?

Now, I hope you realize that this is a metaphor. But, nowadays, I do enjoy literally walking through puddles, with no fear of getting wet. I like getting to class with my shoes and pants wet and saying, "Yep, Im a puddle walker." But sometimes my fears of dampness in life are harder to overcome. But Im still trying to enjoy feeling the soginess of life, knowing that I will eventually be dry.