List of Impossible Things

For starters, I had a job interview today, FINALLY! It took me 4 months just to get an interview! Granted I didn't really try looking for a job until two months in, I just really wanted to succeed at making art. BUT, things don't always turn out as you plan. Anyway, the interview was at a golf course. Brit had found a job posting online somewhere for maintenance on the golf carts for the City of New Smyrna Beach Golf Club, like cleaning them and whatever, and I also applied for just any available position. I'm not confident on how the interview went. The actual position was just part-time for doing little things around the course, like edging the sidewalks and cart paths and sand traps, trimming trees, string-trimming, just stuff like that, which I am pretty qualified for considering I was crew leader at a lawn care company for a year and its also pretty much the exact same stuff I did at the cemetery. But I also felt way overqualified. My interviewer inquired a little about art and photography, so I told him that Brit and I own a photography business and I mainly do artwork but business is suffering since we moved down. I don't know, I just felt like I gave him no reason for me to get a job trimming at a golf course. Oh, plus I have to take three weeks off at Christmas time in Indiana, we already bought the tickets and I'm not going to work alone in Florida while everyone else is enjoying Christmas without me back home. I feel like that was the final blow of the interview. Oh well, we'll see what happens.

Ok, back to my list of impossible things! I've had the idea for a while of writing down my bucket list, or things I would like to do before I die. What prompted me lately was one of my friends had started a thing called the Blog of Impossible Things, which is basically a list of things that you feel are impossible for yourself to do…..and you do them. Brit and I both did this, and they are pretty similar but not really haha. I can't wait to get started too! Some of the things I wrote down I feel really are impossible for me, especially the physical ones. I feel like it will be an ongoing thing, but here's what I have so far:

-Travel to every continent in the world
-go skydiving
-go bungee jumping
-write a book
-drive from coast to coast across America
-bike from coast to coast across America
-climb a mountain
-run a marathon
-learn to fly an airplane
-be vegan for a month
-be in a race (cars)
-go one year without driving a car
-participate in a triathlon
-bench press 300 lbs.
-don't shave for one year
-change someones life
-own a gun
-perform guitar and sing in front of an audience
-save a life
-walk where Jesus walked
-learn to surf



So there you have it, my impossible list thus far.

Oh Dear...

So lately I have been in a pretty weird mood, Id say for about the last few months. Id say ever since I had mono, Ive been feeling this way. Nearly every day, I feel like doing absolutely nothing. I have no interest whatsoever in doing even the simplist tasks like going to class, going out with friends, sometimes eating, and sometimes I dont even want to get on my computer or watch TV or anything, I will just sit in my room and stare into space, or pick at my guitar for hours on end. It seems like when I have to do these tasks, it is somehow a burden to me, my instict always says to do otherwise, which is nothing. But, I force myself to do stuff every day. I lay in bed nearly every morning (sometimes afternoon) having to talk myself into getting up to start the day.

And there are other things, little things. I havent dated anyone this semester, I havent even tried. I was all about dating last semester and looked for every oppurtunity. Its not that Im not confident anymore, its nothing like that, I just dont feel like it. I dont feel like meeting new people. The other day I was at a restaurant and our waitress was pretty cute, and she seemed extra nice to me. I thought to myself, I could probably pull something off and get a date with her, but eh, I dont feel like it. I cant even get around to making plans with anyone, or returning phone calls, or really doing anything. Everything seems like such a burden for some reason. All of the things I used to be interested in before like drawing, blogging, photography, being creative in general, meeting new people, dating, all that stuff is just boring to me now, is seemingly not worth my time.

Also, I have been extremely tired every day. I thought at first it could be that Im not getting enough sleep, or too much sleep, but no matter how much I get, Im still tired every single day. At any given moment of the day, I could just take a nap, and thats all I want to do, and thats all I think about, how tired I am. I even find myself drifting off in class sometimes. I slept for 40 minutes in a 50 minute class one day. Today, I layed down to take a cat nap before class, and woke up an hour and half later to find out I had slept completely through my class.

I figured that these might be some symptoms of depression. But the thing is, I dont feel sad or anything like that. Im actually pretty positive, Im still the same old Ben when Im hanging out with my friends, I just have no drive or motivation to do anything anymore. So I got online tonight to look at some of the symptoms of depression and sure enough, a good portion of these were there. And as I read on, I came across an article about nervous breakdowns. Here are some syptoms of a nervous breakdown from the article I read:

• Loss of interest in normal daily activities
• Agitation or restlessness
• Persistent crying
• Appetite changes
• Sleep disturbances
• Trouble concentrating and making decisions

I have most of these except for persistent crying. Although, on a couple of occasions I have felt emotional for no reason. While I was driving home for spring break I started to tear up thinking about all of my friends being in Florida while I would be at home. I cried during the movie Bolt. Sometimes I will even see a commercial or some tiny tidbit of something touching and get really emotional. In the past, I rarely cried. Cartoons or commercials dont generally tug at my heart strings.

One article I read linked caffeine to depression. I have been drinking coffee and tea and workout stuff like its my job this semester. In that past I hardly ever had that stuff. Maybe this has sparked it? I dont know, but I think Im going to give it up now after reading that. I also noticed that I feel a whole new sense of renewal when the weather is warm. Maybe its just cabin fever or something.

Man, a nervous breakdown? Just the words sound terrible. What is this, a quarter life crisis?

Life

Yes, its nearly 3:30 in the morning. I have been studying for an exam for the past several hours, had a couple cups of coffee around 1am, and of course, now I cant sleep. My exam is at 10:30 in the morning. Im sure Ill be fine though.

But anyways, during my studying, I would take little breaks here and there to watch some Demetri Martin footage on Youtube. If you have some time to throw away, about 40 minutes or so, I would highly recommend watching this (Trent, you would find it interesting). He is a comedian, but also a thinker, and analyzer. And a very very smart person. He starts off by saying "The unexamined life is not worth living." Those are the very first words he says. Of course, this sparked my interest. I over analyze nearly everything. And life is no exception.

So Im laying here in bed trying to sleep, and I cant stop thinking about life and why I do the things I do and where I want to take my life and all of the options available. And Im thinking about other peoples lives as well. I dont know how others view life, what their thoughts and opinions are about how to live their lives. I dont know if they think the same things that I do. But in my mind, they dont.

I view a steriotypical American life as this: birth, childhood, adolescence, college, career, marriage, children.......long period of previous three.......retirement, lots of golf and cadillac, then death. That is the image of how everyone should live their lives. Those are lives natural steps.

As I was lying in bed, a visuallization popped up into my head about life. I feel like Im living in a box. It is finite, there are edges and limits, but there is very much room to move around, and I can go in any direction I would like. And eventually, no matter which direction I choose to go, I will hit an edge and that will be it. I will no longer be trapped in the box. And compared to whats outside of this box, the box is unbelievably tiny. And compared to the unbelievably tiny box, I, as a person, am crazy tiny.

But this is how I view others. Im probably wrong, and Im probably generalizing, but I view others as living on an infinate line on a sphere, the line just goes round and round. They have no other direction to go but forward. There are several dots on the line, and they are just traveling from one dot to the next, or one goal to another, traveling from college to career, check that off the list. And they think that this will go on forever. They cant see past the horizen of the sphere, but they think it will just go around and around. They arent concerned with limits or boundaries. Are you following me?

Why do I visualize this? Do others think that way because thats how they were taught? Because society makes us beleive we have a set pattern or direction to life?

These 'other' people have goals. I just figured out that I have no goals. I also have no career ambitions. Why is that? Im trying to figure it out. Maybe I dont have goals because if I have no goals, then there will be no disappointment if I dont acheive them. Or maybe its because I expect the unexpected to happen, which will interfere with my goals. My only goal is to wake up each morning. Thats all I expect from life. When I no longer wake up in the mornings, Ill know that I have succeeded in my goals of all of the past mornings.

Like I said, I have no career ambitions. The only thing I expect from a career is to earn me enough money to survive. Because really, what is a career anyways? A career to me is something that I am forced to do from 20-something to 60-something to obtain things, to make my family happy, to keep me busy, to make me believe that Im contributing something, the list goes on. I hate the idea of a career. But then again, I cant avoid it.

Its well past 4am, I should get to sleep if I can. I would continue on to marriage, but ill save that for another time. I told you I overanalyze everything. Ill just remind myself that "The unexamined life is not worth living"

Im able

I had an epiphany today, one that made me glad to be alive. I had just gotten out of class, walked out of the art building to once again realized it was cold and windy outside as the thought "I hate cold weather" had crept into my head. It was just warm yesterday, warm enough to wear only a tshirt and no jacket, now today it is in the teens.

Then it hit me.

It sounds a little strange, but I thought about how lucky I was to have the opportunity to feel the cold, just the chance to actually feel. Im not talking about thinking of other people who are in warm climates who have never been in freezing temperatures. Im talking about being alive, as in not dead. This isnt the first time Ive thought this. Sometimes while I am hating the cold weather because it makes me uncomfortable, at the same time I embrace the feeling of the bitter cold air on my face, its hard to describe why I do this, Im just happy to be alive I guess, happy to exist, glad that I have gotten the opportunity to be human. Im just trying to embrace the little things. I feel like I wont get these opportunities after I die. Or maybe its just a taste of what Ill get. Not sure.

This is a hard concept to describe. Just imagine that there are things out there, maybe angels or something, that dont have the opportunities that we do. We have certain abilities that we are born with. We are able to build relationships, laugh, cry, hurt, love, breathe oxygen, create, destroy, reason, eat, sleep, wonder, I feel like we are completely free, we have no bounds. It sounds really crazy when I write it down, I probably sound like I am mentally ill or something.

But this feeling makes me forget about the craziness of life, about the things I want or think I need, about problems with school and girls and money, and helps me see the big picture. Im just trying not to let life pass me by without noticing the characteristics of living, of existence in general. God had made the choice for me to exist, or to not exist, why shouldnt I embrace it?

Active Thursday

I learned two life altering things yesterday. Two things that dont really apply to life, but are some amazing things to know.

I learned how to do a backflip, and learned how to solve a rubik's cube. Those are pretty big deals.

So yesterday it was really nice outside and warm so I decided to do a little "porch fratting", as we like to call it. A bunch of us in the fraternity go out front and toss a football or play cornhole or just sit around and talk. But Lauren, an ex-cheerleader, happen to be out front yesterday also. So Lauren, Jason, and I were having handstand contests, trying to do one handed handstands, and just doing random tumbling stuff together. It was probably pretty odd to passerbys seeing two guys and a girl doing all of these gymnastics stuff surrounded by a bunch of other frat boys doing manly frat boy things. But anyways, Jason has been trying to learn how to do a backflip lately. This sparked my interest. I can do a backflip on a trampoline and diving board, but have always wanted to do it on the ground. I asked them how to do it, they told me the basics, but I still wasnt really sure how. So I had Jason spot me, did the old "Im going for it!" and backing out thing a couple of times, then I just went for it. And you know what, I landed it! With a little help from Jason of course. Since then I have done about 10 backflips, Im getting a little better but still dont have the confidence to do it without a spotter. Ill keep working on it.

Also, I learned how to solve a Rubik's cube. Aj has been playing with one for the last couple of weeks, learning to solve it himself and he finally learned how, so I told him to teach me. Its pretty conmplicated. There are different algorithms for different situations and about a hundred million different steps involved. I solved it once, but I keep forgetting the algorithms so I have to go back to Aj and have him tell me. Again, I still need to work on it to get it all down.

But yeah, those are some pretty major things to learn, especially for one day! I should learn things like this everyday!

Back at School

Well, I came back to Purdue on Thursday morning. I swear I was the first person back on campus, I was at least the first one back at ATO. Immediately I checked my situation with my classes and such. Again it wasnt quite as easy as you would think to schedule just one more class. First of all, the money I paid a few days earlier didnt actually go towards my hold, it went towards my tuition, which financial aid would have covered once I got the money. So I was running around all day Thursday trying to get this resolved, running from building to building, and calling and emailing people. Finally, Friday morning they got everything squared. It was a very messing situation. Then I got online to finish scheduling one more class, and none of the classes I needed to take were available. Not one single class had any room for me. So I had to sign up for some agronomy class. I dont even know what agronomy is.

And again, I will have no money this semester. I am getting a check from the school here in a couple of days for $10,112. Your probably thinking,"holy crap Ben, you will have a TON of money for this semester." Once again, wrong-o. Rent for the rest of the year (plus late fees) is around $4,700. I have to pay my mom back $3,000. I have to pay my dad back $1,100. Meal plan for lunches at the house is around $400. Dues for the fraternity are about $300-$400. That leaves very little money left for living. So, of course, I need to get a job. Ive been looking around already and have asked at a couple of places if theyre hiring, but havent had any luck yet. I might be able to get a job at a sorority cleaning dishes, and I get a free meal out of it, which would be great because I wont be able to afford dinner. And I wanted to get a second job on top of that. So hopefully I will make enough money to survive this semester. Ive already been budgeting, I bought a ton of Ramen noodles for dinners and some other cheap food like PB&J. Its gonna be a challenge this semester, but I think I can do it. Im gonna have to skip out on going out to the bars a lot with my friends though, and control my impulse buys.

So yeah, thats whats going on here. Im really excited to be back, and pretty motivated to do well this semester, for some reason. Usually I dread it when classes have to start back up, but Im pretty excited now. That will probably change in a week.

Update on Life

Well, Christmas break has been kind of crazy this year. Im not used to floating around so much, that is, trying to find places to stay. Well, its not that I cant find places to stay, I just have to find which places easily fit my schedule. Its been hectic, but bearable.

Im finally over my illness. It stuck around for just about three full weeks. And it was probably the worst illness Ive ever had. I wouldnt wish mono on my worst enemies. It started out as flu symptoms: fever, chills, massive headaches, stomach aches. Then it progressed to extreme weakness, there would days where I would do nothing but lay on the couch and watch TV, I didnt even have the energy to get up and eat. Then it progressed to strep like symptoms. My throat was a mess, for a couple of days it was tough breathing because it was so swollen. Then when I would sleep, I had to breathe through my mouth because my nasal passage was nearly swollen shut, and when I would wake up in the mornings, all of the mucus and flem in my throat would dry up and it would just be a nasty mess back there. (Arent you glad Im going into such detail!) All the while, Im still getting fevers about every day. Toward the end, I began to regain strength and I would be fine for a day, then the next day it would seem to come back. This happened for about four or five days. But now, all I have is a little bit of a sore throat, but its not bad at all. Im feeling about 98% better.

I went to the doctor yesterday to get checked for ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder, if you didnt know). Ive known for a while that I for sure have it, but havent really done anything about, just put up with it. But lately its been affecting my everyday life, read I forget EVERYTHING , so I figured I had to do something about it. So I went to the doctor, he asked me a bunch of questions about my studying habits, memory, time and money management, organization, and, no surprise, I was diagnosed with ADD. Actually, I was diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), which was kind of a surprise, I never really thought I was that hyper. But in adults, the hyperactivity is mostly impatience and impulsive behaviors, which are obviously me. So he gave me some trial pills, today is the first day Ive taken them, and I already notice a difference. But we'll see how it affects me in the future.

Hmm, what else. Oh, I never updating my housing situation for second semester at Purdue. I had a couple of people come up to me and ask if I was still getting kicked out of the fraternity. Well, Im not. I met up with the Board of Trustees, a group of people that oversee the decisions of the house, and I pled my case to them. Their conclusion was that I really didnt do anything wrong, so I get to stay in the house. But my roommate and one other guy got evicted. So they are getting an apartment together for spring semester.

I also had another huge ordeal involving registering for classes and paying Purdue more money, its a huge mess and Im still dealing with it. The problem is that I still havent finished registering for my classes, so Im still not a full time student yet. And since Im not yet a full time student, I wont get my financial aid money. But I have hold on my record, I have to pay $3,938 before I can finish setting up my classes. But I couldnt get that money until I get my financial aid. But I couldnt get my financial aid until I got my classes finished. But I couldnt get my classes until I got that paid..........do you see the mess here? Yeah, it is complicated. But, I did get the $3,938 paid today, I had to borrow some money from my parents, which I will pay back when I get my aid money. So now I just need to finish registering for classes. And since classes start Monday, I need to do that as soon as possible, but I have the wait till I get back to school because all of my classes information is there (which ones I need to take). Ill need to head back sometime in the next couple days. So that has been a huge hassle also.

But other than all that crap, Ive just been lounging around. Ive been playing with my camera a lot and messing around with Photoshop even more. Ive got some pretty good pics that I adjusted in Photoshop that will probably show up on here sometime.

Live to Dream, or Living a Dream

Disclaimer: I have never really written poetry before, or even read any for that matter, but lately I have been trying to get into it. Its really helping me to sort out my thought, its more of a creative way to express my thoughts and opinions. And I apologize if its too simpleminded or doesnt make sense, or is just really badly written, Im no pro at this.

But for today, I just basically started typing and came up with this.

Live to Dream, or Living a Dream

Somedays when we wake, the only thing we want is to go back to sleep.
We feel that we can't face the world, all it brings is pain and sorrow.
On this day, our dreams are the only thing which make us happy,

Our dreams can carry us away from the misery.
They fill us with emotion, they let us be content,
They evoke beautiful thoughts of the past and sweep us away from the present.

All we need in that moment is to get away.
Its like a drug trip, just a mode of transportation for the mind.

Once there, and only there, can we become happy, can we become whomever we want.

Then there are the days where life is a dream.
You want to stay in that moment forever.
No dream that has ever been dreamt can compare to the dream you are living.

You wish time would stand still,
You wish life was really this great,
You wish that tomorrow would never come.

Nothing could happen to dull the moment,
As fragile as we are in this moment, we feel like steel,
Thinking that even rust couldnt break us.

Emotion can be a funny thing,
It gives us the power to create our world or feel invincible in this.
It can change each day from living a dream, to living to dream.

Im getting so old

I feel like Im getting old. I turn 22 in March. Twenty-two!! Then shortly after is 23. Which is nearly halfway to 50! Im almost 50 years old! Haha, ok I might be exaggerating a bit.

But seriously, I was thinking about this today, and I really dont want to turn 22. I dread the fact that everyday, I am one day closer to 22. I feel like when I turn 22, Ill have to grow up. But I dont want to grow up. I dont want to have responsibilities. I dont want to act mature. I like being young, making stupid decisions, having fun, dodging the real world. I still cant even believe Im 21 already, I feel like I just graduated from high school. And I dont feel any different from then, I feel like the same person as back then. I certainly dont act any different. Well, according to my dad, I dont act any different than a 5 year old though.

But, a couple of years ago, I had already realized that Im getting older, and I decided that Im not going to grow up.

I may grow old, but I wont grow up.

If you have ever met my grandpa Tom, you would know that he is the perfect example of this. He is, I believe, 68 years old, and he doesnt act much differently than me. He still likes to have fun and be goofy, popping his teeth out, making funny faces, being silly, and just enjoying life.

Alright, Im going to go off on a tangent here. But when I was younger, I used to spend about two or three weeks every summer down at my grandpas house. He lives down in southern Illinois, which is about six hours from my house, so I would only get to see him a couple of times a year. So for probably four of five years, I would live with him for a few weeks each summer. And I think that his personality rubbed off on me a little. I think that part of him had shaped who I am.

He is not a wealthy man. His whole house is about the same size as our kitchen and living room combined. He lives on a dirt road, out in the boonies, with a few old garages and barns around his house, and a bunch of, what he likes to call, "stuff." You may call it junk, but we refer to it as "stuff." His workshop is an old, gutted mobile home. He used to own two or three little Ford Festivas, and loved them terribly. Actually, I still think he has one, a newer one. And he knows every single person in town. And their brother. We would just be driving down the road, he would point to a house, tell me who lives there, who used to live there, who they are related to, where they work, how he knows them, and so on and so forth. He is also a recovered alcohol, and he could probably tell you to the day how long hes been sober. I think its been like twenty some or thirty some years. I have a huge amount of respect for that, that takes a strong will.

In those few years of spending time with my grandpa, I learned a lot, and Im still learning from him. I learned some things like how to drive a stick shift, how to ride a dirt bike, I rode my first motorcycle with him, and a ton of other little things. I distinctly remember him teaching me what a cliche is. I dont know, its one of those tiny memories that stick. But now that Im older and looking back, Im also realizing that Ive learned even more from him that I didnt even know I was being taught, or he even knew he was teaching. Like how to talk to people, strangers, how to treat them like people. Ive learned to not take life so seriously, because the things society thinks are important, really arent that important.

Ive learned how to be young, even when youre old.

But anywho, Im just saying, I dont really think I have to grow up quite yet. My grandpa hasnt, and he seems pretty happy. But I still dont wanna turn 22.

I forget EVERYTHING

Its true, I have the memory of a 98 year old. I seem to always forget just about everything: important dates, where things are, peoples names, even people Ive known for years. Yeah, things like that. When Im going anywhere with my friends, I always tell them to give me at least ten minutes before we leave so that I can find my keys, license, shoes, whatever. I will set them down somewhere and forget where I put them. Every single time. Ask any of my friends.

I forgot my friends first name, one of my friends in ATO. I always call him by his last name, and one night I could not, for the life of me, remember what his first name was. Its Matt, I was thinking it was Ryan.

The other day I sat next to a girl in class who Ive known since my freshman year of college, MaryAlice. I havent seen her much lately, maybe a few times in the last two years. But as we were talking, I was trying to think of how I even know her. I have no idea how I met this girl, not a clue. The earliest memory I have of her is I used to talk to her while she was working at the CoRec (Sports Center at Purdue) before I would work out. Im sure I didnt meet her there, I dont just meet people that way.

And my poor memorization often gets me into trouble.

Last night I was laying in bed (couch) doing my usual two hours of thinking before I fall asleep when I realized that I forgot to register for classes for next semester. I was given one day to register, December 4th, and it completely slipped my mind. I already missed the first deadline, a whole week in early November dedicated to signing up for classes.....I forgot. I forgot a whole week. Then I kept forgetting to make an appointment with my advisor. And now, most of the classes I need to take are full, so Im not really sure what to do.

Also, I still havent paid rent this semester. And now they are considering encumbering my registration. That means that I wont be allowed to register for classes until I pay that money. Which, now I dont have enough money for the whole semester. So Im not sure what Im going to do. Its not that I refused to pay it, well I did for a while when I thought I was getting evicted, but its just that I usually cant find my checkbook, or when I do have it in my hands, about ready to write the check, my mind wanders elsewhere for a second and I dont come back to it until a month later.

Actually, Im starting to think that I have a severe case of ADD or something.

I cant study. I will go to the library for maybe 4 or 5 hours and only get about 20 minutes of studying in. The rest of the time, Im just thinking about other things, or playing with my pencil or something. I will sit there, focus hard for about 2 whole minutes, then my mind wanders for about 10 minutes and I will completely forget about studying.

Most people would call me irresponsible. I just dont remember to do things. Its horrible, really.

Stacee texted me last night and told me I forgot to take her out last night. I promised to take her out earlier in the week.

Im actually pretty pissed at myself for being so forgetful. Its sucks being like this. And its probably only going to get worse.

Music Pt. III

So a couple of days ago I read Todds post on music, and then Trents post about the subject, and it has also got me thinking. It was a pretty good post about how when he was younger he always took music lessons, like piano lessons, and they would grade him on how well he could follow the sheet music, and how strikingly different it is now that he plays in the worship band and can just create the music as it comes. But the other day we had an impromptu concert at his house with me on the mountain dulcimer, Trent on the guitar, and Todd on the piano. We were just playing basically the same chords, but had no clue where we were going with it, freely playing as we went along. And you know what? It sounded pretty amazing, the concert turned out really well. Todds aunt even sent me an email saying how beautiful our concert was.

But what got me about Todds post was how this applies to our lives. Society has us playing sheet music, telling us exactly how to live our lives with no exceptions. And if we dont succeed on societies way of life, then we fail, just like if you dont play music exactly like its written, you fail. But if you can just create your own music with no boundaries or exceptions, you never know what you can create. It could turn out to be something beautiful, like our impromptu concert.

I was walking to class the other day, just listening to my ipod and dodging cars, when it hit me. No, not a car, a thought. Somewhere in the past couple of years, I have been creating my own music in life. I feel like I have been living an impromptu life. When I graduated high school, I had my whole life planned out. I was going to get a masters degree in mechanical engineering, find a wife in college, buy a brand new Jeep Wrangler after graduation, make $75K a year after college, have 2 children, a pool house, and live the perfect life. My life was just sheet music. But later on, I dont know if it was just common sense that kicked in or what, but I have completely changed my views on life now. I could have reached that goal though. I could have put all of my efforts in for that masters degree and Jeep Wrangler. But now, I am living life as it comes. I am a senior in college now, and I still have no idea what Im going to do or where Im gonna go. And honestly, I dont care. Its actually pretty exciting. Everyday is a blank canvas for me. I can create any scene I would like. Currently, my only set backs are graduation, I would like to graduate college eventually, and student loans, I need to make enough money after graduation to pay those. But other than those two things, I can do whatever I want. I can play whatever chords I feel like playing. Thats what hit me the other day, not a bus, although I have been close a time or two, those drivers just dont care.

Sin Management

I have been thinking about this one for a while, just havent quite figured out all of the points I want to get across, but Ill give it my best shot. Its about sin management, as you can guess, and its the way we deal with our sins, how we manage them, in order to keep us pure. I feel that a good portion of Christians are living the sin managing lifestyle. Im not saying that its not good to shoot for a pure lifestyle, I just feel that most people are doing it for the wrong reasons. They are in it for themselves. They are only doing it to better themselves, but dont look past that and see how it affects others, or more importantly, God. Havent we already been saved from our sins anyways? The work has already been done for us. Why do they keep putting so much effort in controlling their sin "for God" when He has already taken care of that?

Its so much easier to not do something bad than it is to do something good, isnt it?

I think we should worry less about ourselves and how pure we seem, and shift our concerns to others. Worry about Charles and Heather and how we can help them, instead of how we look while we are talking to them. "But what if someone I know sees me?" Big whoop. What if God sees you? What would His reaction be? Delighted, Im sure.

I think this guy states it better:

"A focus on sin and its dynamics plays nicely into the enemies hands. We don't concern ourselves with the impact of the gospel on the world; we gather in tidy fortresses to ensure that we are a pure people. Instead of asking how our sin, and self-centered behavior, affects others, our primary concern is our own salvation and purity. We become self centered in an effort to live the gospel of the kingdom, which is meant to get us beyond ourselves in giving our lives for the world.

"In the kingdom of God it is not so. Rather, we seek first His kingdom and justice.. and let Him worry about the rest. Salvation is already ours.. the Father DELIGHTS to give us the kingdom. Let's concern ourselves with His concerns.. the hurting and lost outside the walls."

I think that God would be more delighted in us for doing something good rather than us not doing something bad.

Actually this has reminded me of some scripture: Matthew 25:14-30 (The Message)

14-18"It's also like a man going off on an extended trip. He called his servants together and delegated responsibilities. To one he gave five thousand dollars, to another two thousand, to a third one thousand, depending on their abilities. Then he left. Right off, the first servant went to work and doubled his master's investment. The second did the same. But the man with the single thousand dug a hole and carefully buried his master's money.
19-21"After a long absence, the master of those three servants came back and settled up with them. The one given five thousand dollars showed him how he had doubled his investment. His master commended him: 'Good work! You did your job well. From now on be my partner.'
22-23"The servant with the two thousand showed how he also had doubled his master's investment. His master commended him: 'Good work! You did your job well. From now on be my partner.'
24-25"The servant given one thousand said, 'Master, I know you have high standards and hate careless ways, that you demand the best and make no allowances for error. I was afraid I might disappoint you, so I found a good hiding place and secured your money. Here it is, safe and sound down to the last cent.'
26-27"The master was furious. 'That's a terrible way to live! It's criminal to live cautiously like that! If you knew I was after the best, why did you do less than the least? The least you could have done would have been to invest the sum with the bankers, where at least I would have gotten a little interest.
28-30"'Take the thousand and give it to the one who risked the most. And get rid of this "play-it-safe" who won't go out on a limb. Throw him out into utter darkness.'



Long post, I know, but I think you get the point now.

Random Thoughts and Events

You know how movies have dramatic music in the background of each scene, and there are different types of music for each type of scene. During tense moments, theres the dramatic, high beat music. During love scenes or moments of happiness, there are the soothing violins and flutes and whatnot. During sad parts, the music makes you feel emotional.

Wouldnt it be cool if our lives had that music playing? Im sitting here in my room, just got up from a nap, and there is this music playing somewhere, Ive been hearing for like the last half hour. I looked all around to see if it was from the speakers, from a computer, from the house, but couldnt find the source. Its really faint, but it sounds beautiful. I thought for a moment that I might be going crazy (even more so than I already am). But I think I found the source, Im not 100% sure, but I think its the Purdue band, they are practicing down the road, I can hear some drums every now and then. But the music Im hearing sounds way too love storyish for a school band to play. But that got me thinking about having music to the events of our lives. I think that would be awesome, it would add to the emotion, but probably get annoying after a while.

My week hasnt gotten any better. Just as I predicted, it got worse. I might be getting evicted from ATO now. Its not because of the rent issue though. A couple weeks ago, while we were on fall break, some guys on the Board of Trustees decided to do room checks for alcohol. There was some beer in our fridge left over from tailgating with my roommates parents, and they found it. There were quite a few others that got caught too. We were sent to J-board (judicial board), which decides punishments for breaking the rules, and I was found innocent due to the fact that it wasnt my alcohol or refridgerator. But this week, I recieved an email that said that I still might be getting evicted because of the incident, although I was found innocent. It doesnt make sense, and its kind of a harsh punishment for my first house offense. But I dont really care if I get evicted, I will probably just turn in my pin (quit the fraternity), and find an apartment, it costs too much to live in a fraternity anyways. There are quite a few guys that are fed up with the drama around the house and are considering quitting also. Im actually going to look at a house off campus with some guys this weekend for next year. So, we'll see what happens with this.

But for now, Im just gonna listen to my lifes background music.

People and our Things

I am finding out more and more that people love their things, their possesions, their trinkets, their stuff. And it seems like the more things they have, the more they want. That just doesnt make any sense. And some people just wont let others be near their things. But then there are others who realize that their stuff is just that, stuff. Just this weekend I ran into a couple of cases of both. The first incident was that one of my friends let me borrow his car for the weekend. This was a very generous gesture, considering he has a pretty nice car and I would be driving a couple hundred miles the whole weekend. When I asked to borrow it, he didnt even put up a fight, basically a quick "yeah sure" and some basic rules like "dont wreck it." But then I ran into the other people. Someone wouldnt let my dad borrow his truck for a day to tow our Samurai. He said that he didnt want anything to happen to it, if something where to happen, it would rather be himself that did it. Thats such bullcrap. Not to mention an insult to my dad. Its just a truck.

Then there are the people that have it all but its still not enough. I hate to pick on people, but I have to give an example: A family friend has three motorcycles, two of which are his wifes(the 650 didnt have enough power), three offroaders, a boat, four vehicles, a hot tub, a swimming pool, and many other little trinkets, and the other day he was talking about getting another smaller trailer, aside from the long one, in case he only wanted to haul one vehicle instead of two. When is enough....enough? Holy cow, how can you own so much and still not be content? I have another friend (hes gonna read this and hate me) that has four ipods, just got a shuffle recently because the other three were too big, couldnt work out with them. I mean, Im not saying that Im perfect in this area either, I too like having "things" (luckily I can never afford to own more), I just have to remind myself that things, take my car for example, is just a bunch of metal and plastic and rubber strategically placed together to produce a swift mode of transportation.

While AJ and I were on our trip, while watching the sun rise we were next to this big, beautiful house on the beach and I made the sarcastic comment that their pool, hot tub, awesome veiw, boat, second story, and what was probably their second house probably made these people really happy. He got a kick out of that. Are our things making us happy? Maybe for a couple of days. I know that I get a thrill out of a brand new possesion. But does it make us happy to own more, and more, and more?

Todd and I had a conversation earlier this summer that stuck with me about people and their possesions. It was a little far fetched, but it would be awesome if it were true. He wondered why we couldnt all just share our possesions, he asked why every single family needs their own lawn mower, why not just have one mower for the whole block that we could use when we needed? During TNT(Thursday Night Thing) at Campus House Church, we are studying Acts in the Bible, and it says that the early church did this. They would share their possesions, their possesions didnt belong to one single person, but a whole group of people.

I really dont have a solution to all this, I just wish we wouldnt focus so much on our possesions. It seems like a waste of time.

Noise

So tonight I once again played in the band at Greek IV, this time on the electric guitar. It was an alright time, and again I only had about an hour to learn three songs, which I ended up not playing the last song because I had never heard of it and the chords were wrong on the sheet and everything was messed up about it. What was disappointing about tonight, though, was that there were very few people who showed up to Greek IV, maybe 25 people. But there are midterms going on this week, so I guess its understandable.

But the message tonight was pretty ironic. We watched a Rob Bell video tonight about noise. He talked about why we feel the need to constantly be listening to music, watching tv, talking to people, texting, surfing the web, playing video games, and so on. Why cant we just be in silence for a little bit. At one point in the video, everything went black and silent, for quite a while, and Ill admit, it was a tad uncomfortable. And Im guilty of this too, I even feel wierd walking to class without my ipod playing, or driving without the radio on. Why is it so uncomfortable to be in silence? It says in Luke(?) that Jesus constantly went places to be alone in silence and pray.

What was so ironic for me was that lately I have been trying to be alone. Ive been trying to get away and be in silence and talk to God. Trying to separate myself from all of the clutter and constant motion here at Purdue. In the past week, I have been out three times at three different places to just sit down and be in silence, to try and hear Gods voice, which is exactly what we talked about tonight. Its really one of my favorite things to do, just lay there and listen, try to make sense of things, try to get a sense of God, listen to what Hes telling me.

I always get interrupted though. Whether its a car driving by, or a nosey police officer, I cant seem to get away. During the video, Rob had a statistic from a man that recorded the sounds of nature for CDs or something. He said that back when he began, it took about 15 hours of recording get 1 hour of pure nature sounds, because of trying to avoid the sound of airplanes and cars and so on. But today, it take 2000 hours to get 1 hour of sound. We are very noisy, no wonder its so hard to hear God, it will take 2000 hours of listening to hear 1 hour of Gods voice.

Laying Under the Stars

Well, tonight I did a little something out of the ordinary. I was rushing around, doing my daily stuff like a walmart run, fixing a flat tire on my car, getting art supplies, you know, just the usual running around. It was about 9 o' clock at night, and I had decided on my way back from Walmart that I needed a break. I needed a break from constantly doing something, I needed a break from seeing people, being social. I needed to be alone for a while. So, I started driving. I wasnt really sure where I was going, actually I got lost pretty quickly, I just found some country roads and went from there. I figured if I got too lost, I would be able to just backtrack to find my way home. So I turned my music off, rolled down all of the windows, opened the moonroof, drove really slow, like 30 mph, and just took it in. Just enjoyed the air swirling around the interior of my car, seemingly smacking me in the head in all directions. I drove until I found no more civilization.

Then I decided that I needed to get out of the car. So I drove until I saw no more cars. I eventually hit a dirt road. I wandered down the road, not too far though, I didnt want to get my car filthy dirty since I just washed it a couple of days ago. Then I stopped. I pulled over to the side of the road, got out of my car, walked down the road a little ways, and just layed there in the middle of this dirt road. It was wonderful! It was great to just get away for a while. It seemed like I was a million miles from campus, when in reality, I was only about 10 miles away. I didnt really think of too much, just how great it felt to feel the dirt on my back and head, and feel the cool air swirl around me, and hear all of the crickets and insects around me. I mostly just thought about how bad it would suck if I got hit by a car, but that fear dimished quickly since I hadnt seen a car for miles. One thought that popped into my head while laying there was what it must have been like for people hundreds of years ago, wondering if someone was doing the exact same thing in the exact same spot from where I was two or three hundreds years ago. I was trying to imagine what it must have looked like. The powerlines wouldnt have been there. The corn wouldnt have been as tall, if there at all. The road may not have existed. No airplanes in the sky, no satellites to look for. But the sky would have probably looked amazing. No light pollution, just billions of twinkles lighting up the night sky.

I didnt stay very long though, maybe 15-20 minutes. But that was all I needed. I felt refreshed after that. And it was a good reflection time. I felt connected with God in that moment, I felt like He was there with me, enjoying the sights and sounds and feelings along with me.

Through Painted Deserts

So, I finally finished reading the book Through Painted Deserts by Don Miller. It only took me like 5 weeks to read it! I was a little confused about the book at first, I thought it was going to be a little more spiritual just like Blue Like Jazz, but it was basically just a story about him travelling around the US with his friend Paul in a VW van. But I thought the book was great! Very interesting. There are points in the book that really agree with my simplicity concept. He said that for a few weeks he lived out in the woods with a few other guys, and it was one of the best times of his life. I 100% agree that the simpler things are, when its nothing but you and Gods beautiful painting called the Earth, when you are just out there building relationships, the happier you will be, life will seem like it has a point. I liked this book because I could really relate to thier situation. I believe Don was 21 when these occurances took place. I could definately see myself going on a trip like this, if it werent for this stupid, moneyhungry, college thing. Waste of time, waste of money, so far.

Since I have come back to school, I have gotten everything I have needed, and mostly everything I wanted. I can buy gas for my car now, so I drive a lot. I can buy food from any restaraunt, so I eat out quite a bit. I can afford to go to the bars with my friends every weekend, so I do that. And you know what, its convenient and fun. But Im really not as appreciative as I was this summer when I could afford nothing. I feel like Im taking everything for granted now. I miss the simple life.

The Power of a Smile

I love it when people smile. I think that there is so much power in just a simple smile. I think that people even become more attractive when they smile, its a lot better than looking angry or sad. If you know me, you know that I love to smile and laugh and try to make others laugh and smile. I am somewhat witty, I like to crack stupid jokes and say things that I think are funny, but sometimes others dont get my humor. I love to see people smile, but not pitty smiles, or fake smiles. I like to see real, genuine, nonthreatening, loving smiles, teeth or no teeth, a smile is a smile.

The other day I was walking to class, it was just a normal, average day. Usually when I walk to class, I like to look at people, I look at everyone! Im a huge fan of people watching. And normally when I pass someone and make eye contact with them, they quickly look away to lose eye contact. Im not really sure why they do this. And sometimes when they look at me and keep eye contact for a second or two, I will shoot them a smile, guy or girl (but especially for the ladies, wink wink). But on this day, I noticed a very beautiful girl coming my way, and of course this put me in panic mode when she looked at me. Then she shot me a smile before I could. What a great feeling! That one smile from this particular girl just made the rest of my day. That is what I mean about smiles being powerful. Just a simple smile could make someones day. Just think, if you smiled at each person you passed, think of the number of people you are impacting!

Can you guys think of any other examples of what Im talking about? What are some other ways a smile could be powerful?

Get it Off My Chest

There are a couple of things that I have needed to get off my chest for a while now but couldnt quite come up the words to explain. But Ill give it my best shot.

One thing that has been bugging me lately is that a while ago I was called a hypocrite for being a Christian and going into a strip club. Im still not really sure how to respond to that. I can see where one might think that way, but I dont really feel like a hypocrite. One response I thought of was to flip it. What if there is a stripper who happens to be a nonbeliever, is it hypocritical for her to be in a church? This might be totally out of context, but thats just a thought that popped up.

I just finished a book called Velvet Elvis written by Rob Bell, and in one section of the book he talks about Jesus going to an unexpected place with his disciples. It reads, "One account in the book of Matthew says that Jesus was talking to his disciples at Caesarea Philippi. This is one of those details that is easy to skip, but is significant. Caesarea Philippi was the world center of the goat god, Pan. People came from all over the world to worship this god. There is a cliff with a giant crack in it that the followers of Pan believed was the place where the spirits from hell would come and go from the earth. The crack was called the Gates of Hell. They built a temple for Pan there and then a court next to it where people would engage in sexual acts with goats during the Pan worship festival.
"And Jesus is there with his disciples. As good Jewish boys, they never would have gone to this place before."

I think that that is a hundred times worse than me going to a strip club. That is like taking a church youth group to a donkey show in Mexico. Isnt Jesus awesome though? Just living the journey, doing the unexpected. Going places 'Christians' wouldnt dare go. If you have never read the New Testament in the Bible, read about Jesus before, I would recommend it. Jesus is a pretty fly guy, not what you would expect. He's not what I expected at all.

Now, I know that I talk a lot about God, Jesus, and Christianity, but I just want to let you know that I am not a Bible-beater. Im not trying to be one of those annoying Evangelical Christians and convert the world. I am not trying to make nonbelievers feel like they are living the wrong way or doing things all wrong. I am not one of those Christians that believes that I shouldnt be a part of the world, that I should just hide in my church all the time, and never expose myself to the sin of this world, and never be associated with Non-Christians, and I have to be perfect all of the time, or at least pretend to be perfect. No, Im not like that. Actually, I am kind of the opposite. For the most part, I like nonbelievers more than I like Christians. The name Christianity has such a bad connotation these days. I am a Christian, and I still think this way. When I think of the word Christian, I think of the person that hides in a church, is never exposed to sin, and pretends to be perfect. They are pretending to be this person who has it all together, who never sins, who has life figured out, and who pretends to be happy all the time. I like nonbelievers because they arent pretending to be someone they arent. They are being themselves. (Now, I know that not all Christians and nonbeliever are like that, Im just generalizing here) But isnt that what God wants from us, to be ourselves. He created us as individuals with unique ideas and personalities, why shouldnt we express it? Now I will be the first to admit that as a Christian, I am far from having it all together, I sin just as much as the next person, and I am a little hazy on how life should be lived, and sometimes, Im just not happy. Do you know why? Because I am human, just like you.

I am from the midwest, the largest area of religous people in the country, so we have quite a few churches and most people claim to be Christian. I recently took a trip to Vermont with a few people from my church, not as a missions trip (because really, there was no mission), just to hang out and explore the land of Vermont. Something that struck me was how different the people are out there. I am so used to being in the midwest where everyone dresses the same, has the same hairstyle, drives the same car, ultimately everyone is trying to 'fit in'. So it was shocking when we went to this college town and saw so many different types of people. These people were individuals. I absolutely loved it. They are accepted for who they are out in Vermont. No one gives them a dirty look if they are sporting a mohawk out there. And the people I had met out there were fabulous. They were real. The people that owned the cabin that we were staying in invited us to dinner at thier main home one night, so we got to know them better that night. And I was taken aback when we walked in and Lynn told us that if we wanted something to drink we had to get it ourselves because she wasnt going to wait on us. Im not youre waitress tonight is basically what she said. I thought that was great, its like she instantly accepted us as family or something. She wasnt being mean about it, just honest. She wasnt trying to make herself look like a little perfect stepford wife and wait on us hand and foot, like im used to seeing. And this is just one example of my encounters with the Vermont dwellers.

Sunday

Sundays are great, they are my day when I do absolutely nothing. However, you may be saying to yourself, "But Ben, you do nothing every day, you have no job." Fact. I have no job. But I do all of my activities on one concentrated session, such as working out, biking, or doing small odd jobs. Such as yesterday, I made $40 detailing a motorcycle, making it look brand new. Three hours and some knicked up knuckles later, good as new. But today, I have planned on doing absolutely nothing. Currently Im sitting here watching Titanic....again. Its the only decent thing on TV right now......dont judge me haha. I dont even think I will get dressed today.

So something has been repeating itself over and over in my head since church last night. Yes, we have church on Saturday nights instead of Sunday mornings. I think its great though, stepping out of the norm. But anyways, everytime I go to church, I often space off, as most of us do. But I do mostly get what Jim is saying. But what stuck with me last night was when Jim said, "When we worry about something, it is because we feel that it is out of our control." Its our way of trying to control something. Recently I was applying for yet another student loan for school and they wanted to know how many outstanding loans I had, so I had to check. Thinking I only had about 7 or 8K in loans, which I feel is managable, I was horribly astonished to find out I was $26,000 in debt already. I am horrified! I dont even know what kind of job I am gonna get after college. I dont even know when/if I am going to graduate college! I might even have 3 or 4 years left! I feel so out of control of this situation, and I need to regain that control somehow.

But actually, I dont need to control the situation. I just have to put my faith and trust in God. Where God guides, God provides, right? Im fairly confident that things will work out. When people ask me what kind of job I can get from a fine arts major, I say that I have no idea, but things come up. And I believe that, I believe that things will come up. But then, every single time, the people that ask me that question then look at me as if they are saying in their heads, "this kid is nuts, he doesnt know anything about the 'real world'." Oh man, dont even get me started on the 'real world'. Ill talk about that another time, Ill just say that I dont believe there is any such thing. But anyways, Im just saying that I know that things will be okay in the end, without the help of me. I will only mess things up.