Beautiful Outlaw

Like I said in last nights post, I'm reading a book right now titled Beautiful Outlaw by John Eldredge. So far its a pretty good book, kind of slow at first but picks up speed. I'm just over half way through it right now, so I'm getting into the meat and potatoes of it!

Basically the book is about the true personality of Jesus. I say "true" because, as mentioned in the book, religion over time has made Jesus into a sort of cartoon figure that is good and holy and perfect, but not really.......real. He is kind of monotone, with a serious expression on his face, and yells at you for doing bad things. He is put on a pedestal. He is made out to be too holy for us. His robe was always brilliant bright white and his hair always perfectly shampooed and brushed. And that is kind of depressing because it means that he is not equal to us. But I agree with what John is saying in his book.....that Jesus was a real person with real feelings and real pains, just like us. And he had a personality like the rest of us, he was joyful and playful and fierce and angry and sarcastic like us. At one point in the book (this really set me aback) he explains that Jesus "left Judea and headed back once more to Galilee." Usually when we read that in the bible we pass over without any further thought.......but that's over 70 miles away! And he walked! In sandals! Several times! Imagine the blisters! Did you know that in the original version of the bible, there was no Thou or Thee? They didn't write Jesus' words in red? They didn't even capitalize the H when referring to "him"? Over the years we have glorified him so much that it is setting him apart from us, he is too good for us anymore. And thats a shame, because I don't think that was Gods intention.

The purpose of the book is just great because it brings into perspective what God did for us, sending his son to die for us....for the sole purpose of wanting to be closer to us, wanting to be at ground level with us, not be some unattainable, fierce warrior God that we should constantly fear. But he wants to be friends with us. He wants to let us know that he knows what we are going through, because he did the same things we are doing. I know that this is not ground breaking but when you read the book it makes it much clearer, you realize that its more than just words that you've heard over and over, it's.......well, real.

I thought of this the other day, Jesus was just an ordinary person right? He looked like a regular human being, dressed like one, walked like one, talked like one, because....well, he was one. What if God were out there today somewhere in the world? What if he were just an ordinary person in the mall, that guy with the potbelly that sits and watches everyone walk by? What if he were that person that you honked at or cursed at in traffic because they were going too slow? Or what if he were that waitress you sneered at for forgetting to take the onions off your burger? Or what if he were that person you passed and ignored instead of saying hello? Or that guy you laughed at because he looked funny?

I think that he is all of those people.

How terrible would that be if I laughed at God because he looked funny?

Whats been Happening?

Hey Yall! (in a Cleveland sort of accent....from Family Guy) Wow its been forever since I last posted and I have been itching to for quite some time now. Got a lot on my mind! First of all, whats the deal with the security on this thing! It took probably a half hour just to get logged in! Dang thing made me jump through hoops of fire to verify it was me! It's me I promise!

Things have changed. I live in Florida now, Daytona Beach. Brit is at Chiropractic school down here and I followed. Follow? Good, you're nice and caught up.

Well its the perfect time of night to blog, my favorite time of day to just think about stuff. I was just reading a little, I'm about halfway through a book called Beautiful Outlaw, and it's about the personality of Jesus. Great read so far. I'll have to reflect on it later. I wrapped up my chapter and thought, "man I just need to blog." So here me is.

Times are tough down here in Florida. It's rough going from a place where you know almost everyone to a place where you know no one. I have no connections. No family members or close friends to help out with jobs or entertainment or what have you. It's just harder when you are all by yourself. I mean, I'm not completely alone, I have Britney and her classmates, but they are all in the same boat as us. Alone and scared. haha, not scared, but alone. I have been riding the struggle bus when it comes to income. My dream was to move down here, make a bunch of artwork, sell it independently or through a gallery, and make millions of dollars. So far I have made around $300. And I am thankful for that. But making $300 in four months is pretty pathetic. Now, I went the first two months or so without even looking for a job, full or part time. I just really wanted to quickly succeed as an artist....I've been to or have contacted several galleries looking for.....really any type of involvement, but man its tough. They just don't want anyone else. It's like a party that your not invited to. My lack of income is starting to really hurt us now. I ran out of money today. We had some saved up from weddings and different things here and there, its was mainly our honeymoon money.....and I spent the last of it today.

Oh the stress......I have student loans to pay, and insurance. Britney gets a good chunk of change for living expenses from her school, student loan money. Its a good amount of money for one person....its really cutting it for two people......even more so when you add my bills. I am paying student loans with student loans.

I need a job.

But apparently everyone else does too. I was told by some Floridians, even before I moved down here, that you would be lucky to get a job that pays more than ten bucks an hour........I think it's true. I think you are lucky if you even have a job! I thought, oh with a bachelors degree at Purdue it'll be cake getting a job. HA! No such luck yet. I have applied to several different places, mainly places that require little responsibility so I can still focus on my art and photography. Not a single call yet.

Not yet, but I'm still hopeful. Just got to keep on keepin' on. I'm going tomorrow to apply to a grocery store, and check to see if there are anymore art opportunities around here. Someone will accept me sooner or later!

I'm a whipped man

Im back! Lets dive right in….

This will be a little short and simple. I had an epiphany the other day while I was driving….I thought back to my youth, back to my single days of just a few short years ago and remembered a thought that I had once thunk. I remember thinking that if I were ever in a relationship with someone, either married or dating or whatever, I don't ever wanna be one of those guys that is told what to do, one of those whipped guys that just tags alongside his partner like a puppet on a string, obeying every command that is given. I didn't want to do things because I was being forced to do them. I wanted to do what I wanted, be my own person. If I wanted to go out with my friends and run a muck on a Tuesday night then who's to stop me? Certainly not my girlfriend or wife. I'm too independent to be told what to do and what not to do. Sure, she'll have to deal with it, but that's the price you pay for dating an independent man.

So as I was driving, I thought to myself, "I'm not really like that guy. I'm pretty obedient towards Britney. Why is this?" I mean, I am still a pretty independent person….sort of. I am still myself of course, and I cater to my own wants now and then, but really I do a lot of things for Britney, and I TRY to do a lot of things for her. But you know what, it's not because I'm whipped or anything, but because I love her deeply.

As a single man, I would have NEVER of this. I do things for Britney, sometimes things I have absolutely no desire in doing, for the simple fact that I just want to make her happy, I want to give to her, let her know that I love her. It all seems so simple and logical now. I mean theres a difference between being whipped and doing things for a girl because you feel you have to, and doing things for her because you WANT to.

I guess this is what happens when you stop thinking about yourself for once.

Gods Presents vs. Presence

Today I was trimming at the cemetery, like I usual do, listening to my ipod, to some Christian music that I havent listened to in eons, and I cant for the life of me remember who the band was or what the song was called but I remember hearing just two simple words in the song that really caught my attention. "Gods Presence." At first, I misunderstood the meaning, I instantly had a visualization of a wrapped 'present', one with silver wrapping paper and big red bow on top. This got me thinking, of course. I mean, what else is there to do while trimming at the cemetery than think.

Lately I have been trying to do something a little different. I have been in such a blah mood since around Christmas time, so I have been backtracking to see what Im doing differently in my every day life, to try and see if I can change whats been going on. And one conclusion that I came to was that I had not been looking for Gods presence, I had been looking for Gods presents. I think that so many of us think this same way. We all want what He has to offer to us, what He is capable of, what He is willing to give. And we constantly pray for his presents. "God, do this for me......God, can I please have that.....God, help me in this situation" We start looking for his presents and forget about his presence. And the only time we ever acknowledge His presence in the process of following His presents.

Follow?

Since some time last week, I have been doing a little experiment. The thing I have been doing differently was I have been trying to find God everywhere. I have found him in my trimming, in the face of a gopher, in the joy of a redneck prancing around in a storm, in the expressions of children at a parade. Sometimes, He is just so easy to find. Other times, He isnt. Hes hard to find in times of struggle. Hes hard to find in times of need. Hes hard to find in the clutter. But as He promised, He is still there.

As I had mentioned earlier, I have been reading a book entitle God is Closer than You Think. The book compares God to Wheres Waldo. In the Wheres Waldo books, you stare at a page for an extended period of time to try to discover the goofy looking, striped shirt wearing nerd of a Waldo. And its much easier to spot him at the beginning of the book than toward the end, right? Well, just think of it in terms of Gods hiding. He isnt always right there in front of you, most of the time you have to be patient and look for him. He is lost in the clutter of society and often times seems to blend in, but He is there.

I have noticed a change even in the past few days. Worry is slowly melting away and optimism is setting in. And I remember now what made me feel so warm and content last summer, discovering Gods presence.

Ben and Britneys Grand Adventures

Yep, we went on some grand adventures this weekend with lots of driving, lots of laughing, and lots of fun. And Id like to tell you a little bit about what went on. It all started on Friday afternoon, we all left work early, that is, the cemetery guys and I, which was great because I knew I had a long drive ahead of me that night so it gave me some time to get cleaned up and packed for our adventures. So I got home, ate some lunch, showered, got things together, and left around 1pm. I finally got my car back and fixed on Thursday, it only took forever to get it finished, and just in the knick of time for some roadtripping. And of course it was insanely hot on Friday and my air conditioning in my car wasnt quite up to par, so on the way down while I stopped to get some gas I also bought some freon to recharge my air conditioner. And, of course, I had no idea how to do it. So as I was fartin around with it for about 10 minutes, I asked the guy at the pump next to me if he could help. And of course, he didnt know how either. So I said screw it and went on my way.

Two hours later, I arrive at Britneys apartment in West Laffy. I took a little rest and we got everything together and packed up the JEEP. Yes, I said Jeep! If you know me, you know that I love Jeeps. Britneys mom has a really nice 2008 Wrangler and had let us borrow it for the weekend. I cant thank her enough for letting us take it, that was the highlight of my year, just having the privilage of driving it. Anyways, we set off for St. Louis from there.

Well, actually, before getting to St. Louis, we had to stop and visit one of her friends that she had met in Greece. I dont wanna say that we HAD to visit her, lets say that we WANTED to see her, just for the sake of me not getting yelled at by Britney. Anyways, she lived somewhere in central Illinois, Im not really sure where we were though, but the GPS did. So we went to TGIFridays with Melissa and her boyfriend, not sure what his name was, Im bad at remembering names. We'll say it was Dan, just for the sake of the story, he looked like a Dan. It was a pretty good time though, Melissa and Britney just gabbed the whole time so that kept us boys entertained. After a little while there, we hit the road again, straight for St. Louis.

A couple hours laters, we see the big arch! St. Louis was absolutely beautiful at night, the sky was clear and the moon was out, and there were big spotlights on the arch, it was great. Well, from what I could see in the 5 seconds I got to look because I was driving in heavy city traffic. It was great....for a while, until we ran into some construction that our GPS didnt know how to get around, and we got lost. Im not really sure why we got off the big highways, but I think that was the wrong thing to do. Oh yeah I remember why, I thought there was a detour so I was following a car that I thought would take us around the construction....but didnt. This place that we were stuck in was shady. I saw one white person the whole time we were in that neighborhood. I mean, I dont have anything againt black people, but when your from a small town like I am, this place is pretty scary. That turned my mood quickly. It was late, about midnight our time, I was cranky, and that place was the last place I wanted to be at that time. This is the time that Britney had discovered that I had inherited my fathers temper. Luckily she was the calm one the entire time. So we stopped at a gas station, of course I didnt want to but she made me, and asked for directions. I swear the directions just took us into deeper and darker places. So we just punched in the Fridays that we had eaten at into the GPS and got the heck out of there. We wound up back onto the road we had entered the city in, turned around, and found a bunch of detour signs that we had missed the first time. Whew! We finally made it to our hotel around 1:30am I think. We were both terribly exhausted.

The next morning, Saturday morning, I had discovered how nice our hotel room really was. I couldnt tell you what floor we were on, but it was up there! And we had a king sized bed, there wasnt a position I couldnt lay and have a limb hang over the edge, I think it was bigger than a dorm room! And the best part was, it was all free! And included a free breakfast!! We were in St. Louis to visit a chiropractic school that she is thinking about attending after Purdue, like a Day on Campus sort of thing, and the school payed for the hotel room.

So after our delicous free breakfast, we headed for the school. It was pretty nice, and they had a lot of credentials and impressive statistics, but ill say that the day on campus thing was pretty boring. Just a lot of people talking about how great the school is. But, there was a lot of free food. AND.......I got to see a dead body. During one of the tours, they took us to a lab where they have a bunch of cadavers, probably 30 or so, laying on metal tables, covered in plastic, waiting to be disected. They told us ahead of time that we dont have to go look, but of course I wanted to. So they pulled back the plastic on one, and there he was, cut open down the center of his back. The doc showed us some muscles and nerves and stuff. The entire time I was thinking about two things. First, my mind kept saying "so this is what lies beneath my feet at the cemetery." And second, "Those muscles sort of look like dark meat turkey." MMmmmm, turkey.

After our little campus visit that lasted most of the morning and part of the afternoon, we got back in the Jeep and headed for good ol' grampa Toms house. He lives about two hours from there, so we thought we'd make a visit while we were in the neighborhood. Once we got there, I gave her a tour of the town, we took some pictures of the huge energy windmill thingy, and then headed to nowhere else but the Cardinal Inn, my grampas favorite restaurant on the face of this planet. After conversing with anyone and everyone, we had decided that we wanted to go the bus derby that night at the county fair. If you dont know what a bus derby is, Ive run into some people who dont, its where people get old schoolbusses and wreck them into each other and the last one standing is the winner. Its the best thing ever. There was a lot of steam and fire and crunched up busses. While at the derby, we ran into a little bit of a thunderstorm. Luckily we were under a roofed stands, but man that wind and rain and lightning was nuts! After the storm passes, we watched a boring round of bus derbyness, it wasnt exciting because the rain had made so much mud that the busses kept getting stuck. So, we left after that. Went back to grandpas and went to bed.

The next morningSunday morning we got up, went to the Cardnal Inn for some breakfast, and decided to do some riding! That is, motorcycle riding. My grandpa has a couple of bikes so he lent me and Britney one for the day. We rode with my grandpa and a couple of his old retired buddies. I think we went about 80 miles that afternoon, down some back roads and some really nice places near the Illinois river, and I think we were running parallel to the Mississippi River for a while. I enjoyed it, and Im sure Britney did as well. She made a good addition to the bike. After riding, we loaded up the Jeep again, said our goodbyes, and heads back east for lots of driving, LOTS of driving. I was so freakin tired the whole way home, Britney drove probably most of the way back while I was in and out of conciousness. We got back to West Laffy, and after a long goodbye, we parted and I headed back to Bremen. I got back about 10:30pm. Whew, what a weekend.

It was great being able to visit my grandpa and especially nice to spend some time with Brit. Its amazing what you learn about someone by spending every waking moment with them, especially on car rides. She learned that I can have a bit of temper when I am cranky and lost, and I learned that she likes to change the radio station a lot haha. I kept my mouth shut until now, but once she reads this Im gonna get it. But all in all, it was a great weekend. Sorry for the long post, its hard to fit three days into a single paragraph.

God is Closer than You Think

So I was rummaging through some of Todds books this afternoon, through his grand library/dining room, I was looking for a book that I had read last summer, 'Blue Like Jazz,' and I came across this book, 'God is Closer than You Think.' It was pretty intriguing because it didnt have any pictures or a fancy cover page or anything, just a bare hard back cover with 'God is Closer than You Think' written on the spine. I couldnt stop thinking about it for the rest of the day, I felt like it was calling me, "Ben, read me.......READ ME!" So I finally got a little bit of time tonight and I wasnt 5 pages into it when I read this:


"How lonely life is! Oh, we can get by in life with a God who does not speak. Many at least think they do so. But it is not much of a life, and it is certianly not the life God intends for us or the abundance of life Jesus came to make available."


Reading continues.....

Whats so different?

This summer has been kind of weird for me so far. When I moved back to Bremen I thought I would have a great time like I did last summer, but somehow things are different, and I cant figure out what. I was so happy last summer, so content with everything going on around me, I felt like I had so many options and unlimited freedom, every day was an adventure for me. But this summer, I just want every day to be over with, and I dont notice the little things anymore. The little things that made me so happy last summer dont have the same effect anymore. Take biking for example, that was such an adventure everytime I went out into the countryside to explore and breathe in the fresh air and feel the wind, but now I bike every day to work and those things arent quite as invigorating anymore. Its just a mode of transportation now. I dont see beauty in life anymore. I feel like I am just waiting for something, trying to get through each day as soon as possible instead of enjoying each passing moment. All that life had to offer me a year ago has seemed to fade away and now Im stuck in this monotonous rhythem of week and weekend, week and weekend. Wheres the adventure gone? Whats so different? Is it because I have a job that I am forced to go to from 7-4 every day? Thats a pretty big chunk of my day, and when the work day ends, I just feel exhausted and dont want to do anything the rest of the night. And all I do is worry now. Im forever worried about my car and what to do about that, worried about what Im going to do this weekend, or next month, or next year, or years from now. Im worried about what people think of me now. I dont have the same carefree 'go with the flow' attitude that I used to. And I hate it. I was happy then. Where did I change?

New Website

I have some exciting news. Britney had sent me a link to a website that lets you create your own page for your business or for photography or whatever, called wix.com. So I am currently in the process of making my own page for my art and photography, and not only will it be for people to view my stuff, Ill have some contact info on there to hopefully get some buyers and some photography clients. This is gettin serious now! Now I have hopes that when I graduate from college next year I will already be established and have some experience of independent work under my belt.

Actually, I even got yet another photography job for this fall. I got an email from a girl that I went to high school with but who I dont really know asking if I would like to do her engagement pictures for her. I told her straight up that I would love to do them but I dont really have a lot of experience. She said thats fine because she has seen the stuff Ive done already and loves them. And Ive got plenty of time to plan it out and get some things figured out like pricing beforehand but hopefully I can get this website done soon so I can start to market my stuff.

The only problem I have for now is that my stupid computer doesnt seem to be allowing me to create this website, the darn think cant handle the feature. So I think Ill have to use Trents computer or something. But, as you can imaging, its gonna look amazing! Out.

wtf

I am SOOO pissed off right now. So I took my car in last night to get worked on and the guy calls me this morning saying "Well, I thought you needed the front wheel bearing replaced instead of the rear, there is a lot more involved with that so we are going to have to charge you more." I was a little upset but cooperative because it came out to be about $240, which is what I was expecting to pay. Then he calls me at lunch and says "well the bearing wore down the wheel hub assembly so that needs replaced or else it will ruin the new bearing." I couldnt believe it. The bill is now up to $420. How could a $90 job turn into $420? Its a good thing that car isnt in my driveway now because I would literally just set it on fire. Im searching online now for a cheaper hub, but its still gonna be about $100 for one, he was gonna charge me $170. I hate this freakin car! I will never buy a BMW again.....ever.

ooooOOOOOooooo!!

Well, I have a little bit of time to kill today since we left from work at 10 this morning because of rain. So Ill take this time to tell some stories from the cemetery....some HAUNTING stories.

The guys there have told me a couple of stories, they say that things happen all the time but they cant remember every single event. Theyve worked there for like 30 yrs, so their stories have been piling up. They said that they hear their names being yelled while they're mowing all the time, and when they turn to see who it is, there is no one there. There were haunted flowers one time. They threw a set of flowers away at a gravestone one time, and the next day, the exact same flowers were there again. So they threw those away, then they were back. This happened for about a month. They even took the flowers to the dump, a few miles away. Trent told me that one time everyone was sitting around in the garage just talking and the chain lift, the one attached to the roof joists to lift the mowers, fell from the ceiling and landed on one of the mowers. Trent said he has no idea how that happened since it was chained to a joist. I hear things cluttering around in the other garage all the time, sometimes its from the wind, but other times the door is shut and cant explain the sounds.

Here are some stories that I have since I have been working there. Once while I was trimming in the old section, I smelled perfume like there was a 90 year old woman standing right in front of me. I stopped trimming to see who was around, to see if any old women were anywhere in the cemetery, and there wasnt a single person around. I only smelled it for about a second, so I tried to see if there was a trail and sniffed all around the grave I was trimming, and found nothing else. Then a couple of days later, I was once again in the old section just trimming my life away when I saw Troy walk up to me, right behind my right shoulder. I figured it was time for break or something so I turned around to say something to him and there was no one there. Troy was on the other side of the section. That really freaked me out because I clearly saw someone walking from a distance right up beside me and slightly behind. Sometimes Ill see movement in the cemetery and Ill turn around and it will be those small American flags on Veterans' graves, but it wasnt this time. I really dont like trimming the old section, Im completely fine everwhere else, but once we start on those last two sections, I feel really really uncomfortable and I dont know why. Im not thinking about hauntings or anything, I just feel uncomfortable. And I saw two snakes yesterday in those sections, I hate snakes.

So there you go.