Life

Yes, its nearly 3:30 in the morning. I have been studying for an exam for the past several hours, had a couple cups of coffee around 1am, and of course, now I cant sleep. My exam is at 10:30 in the morning. Im sure Ill be fine though.

But anyways, during my studying, I would take little breaks here and there to watch some Demetri Martin footage on Youtube. If you have some time to throw away, about 40 minutes or so, I would highly recommend watching this (Trent, you would find it interesting). He is a comedian, but also a thinker, and analyzer. And a very very smart person. He starts off by saying "The unexamined life is not worth living." Those are the very first words he says. Of course, this sparked my interest. I over analyze nearly everything. And life is no exception.

So Im laying here in bed trying to sleep, and I cant stop thinking about life and why I do the things I do and where I want to take my life and all of the options available. And Im thinking about other peoples lives as well. I dont know how others view life, what their thoughts and opinions are about how to live their lives. I dont know if they think the same things that I do. But in my mind, they dont.

I view a steriotypical American life as this: birth, childhood, adolescence, college, career, marriage, children.......long period of previous three.......retirement, lots of golf and cadillac, then death. That is the image of how everyone should live their lives. Those are lives natural steps.

As I was lying in bed, a visuallization popped up into my head about life. I feel like Im living in a box. It is finite, there are edges and limits, but there is very much room to move around, and I can go in any direction I would like. And eventually, no matter which direction I choose to go, I will hit an edge and that will be it. I will no longer be trapped in the box. And compared to whats outside of this box, the box is unbelievably tiny. And compared to the unbelievably tiny box, I, as a person, am crazy tiny.

But this is how I view others. Im probably wrong, and Im probably generalizing, but I view others as living on an infinate line on a sphere, the line just goes round and round. They have no other direction to go but forward. There are several dots on the line, and they are just traveling from one dot to the next, or one goal to another, traveling from college to career, check that off the list. And they think that this will go on forever. They cant see past the horizen of the sphere, but they think it will just go around and around. They arent concerned with limits or boundaries. Are you following me?

Why do I visualize this? Do others think that way because thats how they were taught? Because society makes us beleive we have a set pattern or direction to life?

These 'other' people have goals. I just figured out that I have no goals. I also have no career ambitions. Why is that? Im trying to figure it out. Maybe I dont have goals because if I have no goals, then there will be no disappointment if I dont acheive them. Or maybe its because I expect the unexpected to happen, which will interfere with my goals. My only goal is to wake up each morning. Thats all I expect from life. When I no longer wake up in the mornings, Ill know that I have succeeded in my goals of all of the past mornings.

Like I said, I have no career ambitions. The only thing I expect from a career is to earn me enough money to survive. Because really, what is a career anyways? A career to me is something that I am forced to do from 20-something to 60-something to obtain things, to make my family happy, to keep me busy, to make me believe that Im contributing something, the list goes on. I hate the idea of a career. But then again, I cant avoid it.

Its well past 4am, I should get to sleep if I can. I would continue on to marriage, but ill save that for another time. I told you I overanalyze everything. Ill just remind myself that "The unexamined life is not worth living"

Serenades!

Its that time of year, serenade time! This is when our fraternity goes around to most of the sororities on campus and dance for them to try to make them fall in love with us, actually we are just trying to get them to come to our philanthropy (event to raise money for a cause, if you didnt know). The greek system is very complicated, I was trying to explain the things we do to a GDI (gosh darn independent, to be clean) and most of it sounds crazy and complicated but its still fun.

But anyways, serenades. This year I am part of the dance crew. We just started going around to the sororities tonight....and I just learned the dance last night. Originally I was supposed to be Patrick Swayze's character in the SNL Chippendales skit, but I never practiced and I didnt really want to do itanyways, so now I have a different part. Me and three other guys have four chairs, we dance a little to a song, then pick four girls out of the audience, sit them down, then dance for them, and eventually get on one knee and sing to them. Its so much fun! While Im dancing, I usually turn around and shake my butt for them, one girl actually spanked it once. Then while Im on my knee, I hold her hand, kiss it, do the little 'boop' thing (finger to the nose), and gaze into their eyes with my cute puppydog eyes. Im sure their hearts just melt. We did four tonight, I think we are doing sixteen altogether all week long. Good times.

Asking for Help

Ive had to do a lot of this lately, and I hate it. Asking for help is one thing that I absolutely dread doing.

Since I have been in college, I have become rather independent, or at least Id like to think I have. I try to do things on my own now, I have become quite the problem solver. Before, I relied mostly on my parents for....well just about everything: buying and making me food, doing laundry, paying for school, setting up plans and arranging schedules for certian things, finding jobs, you name it, they probably had a hand in any given decision. But with four years under my belt of relative independence, I have changed quite a bit. I like doing things on my own now, I like making my own decisions. I would rather solve my own problems, with my own approaches.

But sometimes there are things that I cant do by myself, so I have to ask for help, but this is always a last resort for me. This is a fear I have developed and I have no idea how it came to be. I dont know if its a pride issue or what, but I would rather jump off of a bridge (not literall (or if literally, not too high, maybe 6 feet)) than ask someone to help me out. I get knots in my stomach when I have to do this. I just feel like I am hassling someone by asking them to take some time out to resolve an issue that I had brought upon myself. Its my problem, why should someone else being dealing with it? I know if someone asks me for help, although I am usually willing, sometimes I dont really want to help them. And I feel like when I am in need of help, some people dont really want to help me, they just do it because they feel obligated, or maybe even sorry for me. This is why I would much rather resolve an issue on my own.

Lately, I have been pretty broke, for most of this semester I have had very little money. And its no ones fault but my own. And even more recently, a couple of days ago, my car broke down. Broken water pump, fan, serpentine belt, and several other issues, and I have needed help with that. It broke down around midnight on a weekday, while everyone else was asleep. I sat in my car in the freezing and dark for about ten minutes trying to find a way to get out of that situation on my own. I really really really did not want to call anyone and wake them and have them take time out of sleep to pick me up or tow my car. That was treachurous for me. And now, I need help fixing it, I need help getting around, I need help getting back to Purdue, I need help with money to fix it, its pretty overwhelming. My gut gets into knots whenever I need to ask someone if they can do a favor for me.

This fear could apply to so many different areas as well. Being home for spring break this week, as mentioned before, I have to find places to stay. Most of my family and friends say they are willing to let me stay with them, but I still have that fear of asking if its okay. I feel like I am intruding on them, I feel like a nuisance to them. I dont feel right being here in Bremen anymore. Nothing is mine anymore, everything I take is someone elses. Someone elses bed, someone elses food, someones time, someones roof over my head, someones TV Im watching, someones computer I am using to blog on. I just dont feel right taking things from people.

This has developed into an acceptance of gifts as well. Since high school, I dont feel right accepting gifts. Although I am more than willing to give to someone else, I still dont feel right taking from someone, seemingly being in their debt. Its like my life motto is "What mine is yours, and whats yours is yours." I remember telling my mom that she really doesnt have to buy me anything for Christmas anymore, I dont expect anything. And its true. But, with mom being mom, she is great when it comes to giving, and most of the time I feel like I shouldnt accept what she gives me. Especially in these times with the economy, when she gives me money, I feel like she needs it more than me. I dont have any bills to pay or anything, so really what do I need money for? But I know its rude to decline a gift, so I usually accept. And although I am truly thankful, Im not really sure how to express it.

This even hinders my relationship with God. When I am in trouble or struggling with something, I rarely pray about. I just try to work things out on my own, or ignore the issue altogether, which I know I shouldnt do either. If I pray about something, I feel like its a selfish request. Why should God care about my student loans or girl issues or illnesses? Arent there more important issues for God to deal with like world peace or starving children?

Anyways, theres a good long post of rambling.

Casino night!

So Im officially on spring break. Im a little bummed that I had to come home for spring break. A good majority of my friends went to Panama City for spring break this year, but Im not able to go because I dont have any money or a reliable car to take me down there. But then a few nights ago, a couple of friends and I had come up with the idea to take a roadtrip to California, one of them knows some people in Fresno. We figured it would take about 36 hours to get there, and we would live cheaply, sort of like my Fall Break trip. But then yesterday, the day we were going to leave, the driver decided he didnt want to take his car, so then we had no car, which means we had no trip. I was very disappointed. That drive home was the most depressing drive home ever. But I feel like I am offending people back home when I say that I didnt want to be back here. Its not that I dont want to see my family, the problem is, I have lived here for 18 years, Im not missing anything by being gone. Bremen will always be here. Spring break in Panama City with all of my best friends happens once in a lifetime, and I cant go.

But anyways, casinos, that what I wanted to talk about. Last night my mom took Abby, Rachel, Trent, and me to the Blue Chip casino last night. I thought it was a pretty good time. I went to a casino once in Wisconson with Todd and Chuff, but I only played with three dollars, and I lost it all, so it wasnt that much fun. But last night, my mom surprised with $100 to play with.

So I started off with the penny slots, I was a little hesitant to spend the big bucks at first because I didnt want to just waste my moms money. And, I lost. Then I got brave and played with the $1 slots. I put a $20 in, got down to my last two dollars, then.....won $50! That was pretty exciting! After that, I wanted to learn some of the other places like the roulette table. My mom taught me how to do it, we played together at the same table, and right off the bat, on my very first bet, I won $70. I bet a couple more times, then cashed out. Later on, I pleyed roulette again with Trent, he was trying to win back the money he had lost, and I won another $40. All in all, I almost doubled my money, I made $90 last night. I tried giving it back to my mom, but of course she refused.

Most of us got pretty lucky last night. My mom made a good pretty good chunk of money, Abby was up for a while, then lost most of it. Trent found $20 on the ground, then made his loss back on the roulette table. Im not sure how Rachel did, her boyfriend Derek was down when I left. And my moms husband Mike was up to $250 from $100 on the roulette table.

I found out that at a casino, you have to bet big to win big. Playing penning slots is a waste of money, you get nowhere. The roulette table seemed to be the best chance for winning, unless your name is Abby. It was a minimum bet of $10, but you had a 50/50 chance of doubling that each time. Also, you have a very good chance of getting lung cancer in one night from secondhand smoke.

Im able

I had an epiphany today, one that made me glad to be alive. I had just gotten out of class, walked out of the art building to once again realized it was cold and windy outside as the thought "I hate cold weather" had crept into my head. It was just warm yesterday, warm enough to wear only a tshirt and no jacket, now today it is in the teens.

Then it hit me.

It sounds a little strange, but I thought about how lucky I was to have the opportunity to feel the cold, just the chance to actually feel. Im not talking about thinking of other people who are in warm climates who have never been in freezing temperatures. Im talking about being alive, as in not dead. This isnt the first time Ive thought this. Sometimes while I am hating the cold weather because it makes me uncomfortable, at the same time I embrace the feeling of the bitter cold air on my face, its hard to describe why I do this, Im just happy to be alive I guess, happy to exist, glad that I have gotten the opportunity to be human. Im just trying to embrace the little things. I feel like I wont get these opportunities after I die. Or maybe its just a taste of what Ill get. Not sure.

This is a hard concept to describe. Just imagine that there are things out there, maybe angels or something, that dont have the opportunities that we do. We have certain abilities that we are born with. We are able to build relationships, laugh, cry, hurt, love, breathe oxygen, create, destroy, reason, eat, sleep, wonder, I feel like we are completely free, we have no bounds. It sounds really crazy when I write it down, I probably sound like I am mentally ill or something.

But this feeling makes me forget about the craziness of life, about the things I want or think I need, about problems with school and girls and money, and helps me see the big picture. Im just trying not to let life pass me by without noticing the characteristics of living, of existence in general. God had made the choice for me to exist, or to not exist, why shouldnt I embrace it?

Active Thursday

I learned two life altering things yesterday. Two things that dont really apply to life, but are some amazing things to know.

I learned how to do a backflip, and learned how to solve a rubik's cube. Those are pretty big deals.

So yesterday it was really nice outside and warm so I decided to do a little "porch fratting", as we like to call it. A bunch of us in the fraternity go out front and toss a football or play cornhole or just sit around and talk. But Lauren, an ex-cheerleader, happen to be out front yesterday also. So Lauren, Jason, and I were having handstand contests, trying to do one handed handstands, and just doing random tumbling stuff together. It was probably pretty odd to passerbys seeing two guys and a girl doing all of these gymnastics stuff surrounded by a bunch of other frat boys doing manly frat boy things. But anyways, Jason has been trying to learn how to do a backflip lately. This sparked my interest. I can do a backflip on a trampoline and diving board, but have always wanted to do it on the ground. I asked them how to do it, they told me the basics, but I still wasnt really sure how. So I had Jason spot me, did the old "Im going for it!" and backing out thing a couple of times, then I just went for it. And you know what, I landed it! With a little help from Jason of course. Since then I have done about 10 backflips, Im getting a little better but still dont have the confidence to do it without a spotter. Ill keep working on it.

Also, I learned how to solve a Rubik's cube. Aj has been playing with one for the last couple of weeks, learning to solve it himself and he finally learned how, so I told him to teach me. Its pretty conmplicated. There are different algorithms for different situations and about a hundred million different steps involved. I solved it once, but I keep forgetting the algorithms so I have to go back to Aj and have him tell me. Again, I still need to work on it to get it all down.

But yeah, those are some pretty major things to learn, especially for one day! I should learn things like this everyday!

Sex Offenders

So for the last couple of hours, Ive been looking at this Family Watchdog website, and for some reason I am hooked on it. I would not recommend looking up this website, simply because it is very addicting. Its a website with a list of sex offenders all around the US. The descriptions include a picture, what they did, when they did it, where they did it, where they are now, and a bunch of other personal info.

I started with, of course, Bremen. There were a few in the area, more than I thought would be. One person in Bremen was convicted of rape and voluntary manslaughter, but luckily he lives on the other side of town from my sisters. That just blows my mind that there is someone in my town that had killed a person.

Then I moved on to South Bend, West Lafayette, Los Angeles (full of rapers), and have now been stuck on New York City for quite a while now. I cant even describe how terrified I am of New York based upon the number of sex offenders. It has taken me a good half hour to forty minutes to look at all of the people within one mile of the center of New York. I am completely astonished.
In West Lafayette, there is a man that lives within a few blocks from the apartment I will be living in next year that had committed murder. MURDER. He killed a person, and he is living within bullets distance of me.

But most of all, as I am going through this list, I try to look at each and every person and see them as a person. I have to try and understand why they did what they did. I look at their picture and wonder what went on throughout their life that led to that moment, the moment where their one wrong decision would affect the rest of their life. I had to imagine each person committing their crime, how it happened, why it happened, who the victim was, how it affected that person, if they feel bad, if they even care at all.

I imagine these people as children, each and every one of them was a child at one point, playing with their friends, going to school, looking up to someone. Were they teased? Were they abused? Were they fatherless, motherless? Who were their influences? When was the turning point from innocence?

I imagine each of them was a newborn, at one point their mothers had wrapped them in their arms after birth.

I try and love them. I try to see them as human beings and love them. But then I go back to what they had done. These people look terrible. They look jaded, worn out, most of them look either drugged up or intimidating. They rape children. They sexually abuse their wives. They commit unimaginable acts. I can't love them. I can't love a rapist. I can't love a child molester. I can't love a murderer. But God does.

Why?

One man had committed 1st degree rape, incest, and sexual abuse...on a five year old. Why does God love him?

I have never committed a crime, sexually abused someone, raped anyone, or even been in a fight. I have a personal relationship with our God and love and worship Him. And He loves these rapists just as much as he loves me. This is astounding to me, and also very confusing.

Those were my thoughts from Family Watchdog.

and finally....Life Drawing III