Today I was trimming at the cemetery, like I usual do, listening to my ipod, to some Christian music that I havent listened to in eons, and I cant for the life of me remember who the band was or what the song was called but I remember hearing just two simple words in the song that really caught my attention. "Gods Presence." At first, I misunderstood the meaning, I instantly had a visualization of a wrapped 'present', one with silver wrapping paper and big red bow on top. This got me thinking, of course. I mean, what else is there to do while trimming at the cemetery than think.
Lately I have been trying to do something a little different. I have been in such a blah mood since around Christmas time, so I have been backtracking to see what Im doing differently in my every day life, to try and see if I can change whats been going on. And one conclusion that I came to was that I had not been looking for Gods presence, I had been looking for Gods presents. I think that so many of us think this same way. We all want what He has to offer to us, what He is capable of, what He is willing to give. And we constantly pray for his presents. "God, do this for me......God, can I please have that.....God, help me in this situation" We start looking for his presents and forget about his presence. And the only time we ever acknowledge His presence in the process of following His presents.
Follow?
Since some time last week, I have been doing a little experiment. The thing I have been doing differently was I have been trying to find God everywhere. I have found him in my trimming, in the face of a gopher, in the joy of a redneck prancing around in a storm, in the expressions of children at a parade. Sometimes, He is just so easy to find. Other times, He isnt. Hes hard to find in times of struggle. Hes hard to find in times of need. Hes hard to find in the clutter. But as He promised, He is still there.
As I had mentioned earlier, I have been reading a book entitle God is Closer than You Think. The book compares God to Wheres Waldo. In the Wheres Waldo books, you stare at a page for an extended period of time to try to discover the goofy looking, striped shirt wearing nerd of a Waldo. And its much easier to spot him at the beginning of the book than toward the end, right? Well, just think of it in terms of Gods hiding. He isnt always right there in front of you, most of the time you have to be patient and look for him. He is lost in the clutter of society and often times seems to blend in, but He is there.
I have noticed a change even in the past few days. Worry is slowly melting away and optimism is setting in. And I remember now what made me feel so warm and content last summer, discovering Gods presence.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Ben and Britneys Grand Adventures
Yep, we went on some grand adventures this weekend with lots of driving, lots of laughing, and lots of fun. And Id like to tell you a little bit about what went on. It all started on Friday afternoon, we all left work early, that is, the cemetery guys and I, which was great because I knew I had a long drive ahead of me that night so it gave me some time to get cleaned up and packed for our adventures. So I got home, ate some lunch, showered, got things together, and left around 1pm. I finally got my car back and fixed on Thursday, it only took forever to get it finished, and just in the knick of time for some roadtripping. And of course it was insanely hot on Friday and my air conditioning in my car wasnt quite up to par, so on the way down while I stopped to get some gas I also bought some freon to recharge my air conditioner. And, of course, I had no idea how to do it. So as I was fartin around with it for about 10 minutes, I asked the guy at the pump next to me if he could help. And of course, he didnt know how either. So I said screw it and went on my way.
Two hours later, I arrive at Britneys apartment in West Laffy. I took a little rest and we got everything together and packed up the JEEP. Yes, I said Jeep! If you know me, you know that I love Jeeps. Britneys mom has a really nice 2008 Wrangler and had let us borrow it for the weekend. I cant thank her enough for letting us take it, that was the highlight of my year, just having the privilage of driving it. Anyways, we set off for St. Louis from there.
Well, actually, before getting to St. Louis, we had to stop and visit one of her friends that she had met in Greece. I dont wanna say that we HAD to visit her, lets say that we WANTED to see her, just for the sake of me not getting yelled at by Britney. Anyways, she lived somewhere in central Illinois, Im not really sure where we were though, but the GPS did. So we went to TGIFridays with Melissa and her boyfriend, not sure what his name was, Im bad at remembering names. We'll say it was Dan, just for the sake of the story, he looked like a Dan. It was a pretty good time though, Melissa and Britney just gabbed the whole time so that kept us boys entertained. After a little while there, we hit the road again, straight for St. Louis.
A couple hours laters, we see the big arch! St. Louis was absolutely beautiful at night, the sky was clear and the moon was out, and there were big spotlights on the arch, it was great. Well, from what I could see in the 5 seconds I got to look because I was driving in heavy city traffic. It was great....for a while, until we ran into some construction that our GPS didnt know how to get around, and we got lost. Im not really sure why we got off the big highways, but I think that was the wrong thing to do. Oh yeah I remember why, I thought there was a detour so I was following a car that I thought would take us around the construction....but didnt. This place that we were stuck in was shady. I saw one white person the whole time we were in that neighborhood. I mean, I dont have anything againt black people, but when your from a small town like I am, this place is pretty scary. That turned my mood quickly. It was late, about midnight our time, I was cranky, and that place was the last place I wanted to be at that time. This is the time that Britney had discovered that I had inherited my fathers temper. Luckily she was the calm one the entire time. So we stopped at a gas station, of course I didnt want to but she made me, and asked for directions. I swear the directions just took us into deeper and darker places. So we just punched in the Fridays that we had eaten at into the GPS and got the heck out of there. We wound up back onto the road we had entered the city in, turned around, and found a bunch of detour signs that we had missed the first time. Whew! We finally made it to our hotel around 1:30am I think. We were both terribly exhausted.
The next morning, Saturday morning, I had discovered how nice our hotel room really was. I couldnt tell you what floor we were on, but it was up there! And we had a king sized bed, there wasnt a position I couldnt lay and have a limb hang over the edge, I think it was bigger than a dorm room! And the best part was, it was all free! And included a free breakfast!! We were in St. Louis to visit a chiropractic school that she is thinking about attending after Purdue, like a Day on Campus sort of thing, and the school payed for the hotel room.
So after our delicous free breakfast, we headed for the school. It was pretty nice, and they had a lot of credentials and impressive statistics, but ill say that the day on campus thing was pretty boring. Just a lot of people talking about how great the school is. But, there was a lot of free food. AND.......I got to see a dead body. During one of the tours, they took us to a lab where they have a bunch of cadavers, probably 30 or so, laying on metal tables, covered in plastic, waiting to be disected. They told us ahead of time that we dont have to go look, but of course I wanted to. So they pulled back the plastic on one, and there he was, cut open down the center of his back. The doc showed us some muscles and nerves and stuff. The entire time I was thinking about two things. First, my mind kept saying "so this is what lies beneath my feet at the cemetery." And second, "Those muscles sort of look like dark meat turkey." MMmmmm, turkey.
After our little campus visit that lasted most of the morning and part of the afternoon, we got back in the Jeep and headed for good ol' grampa Toms house. He lives about two hours from there, so we thought we'd make a visit while we were in the neighborhood. Once we got there, I gave her a tour of the town, we took some pictures of the huge energy windmill thingy, and then headed to nowhere else but the Cardinal Inn, my grampas favorite restaurant on the face of this planet. After conversing with anyone and everyone, we had decided that we wanted to go the bus derby that night at the county fair. If you dont know what a bus derby is, Ive run into some people who dont, its where people get old schoolbusses and wreck them into each other and the last one standing is the winner. Its the best thing ever. There was a lot of steam and fire and crunched up busses. While at the derby, we ran into a little bit of a thunderstorm. Luckily we were under a roofed stands, but man that wind and rain and lightning was nuts! After the storm passes, we watched a boring round of bus derbyness, it wasnt exciting because the rain had made so much mud that the busses kept getting stuck. So, we left after that. Went back to grandpas and went to bed.
The next morningSunday morning we got up, went to the Cardnal Inn for some breakfast, and decided to do some riding! That is, motorcycle riding. My grandpa has a couple of bikes so he lent me and Britney one for the day. We rode with my grandpa and a couple of his old retired buddies. I think we went about 80 miles that afternoon, down some back roads and some really nice places near the Illinois river, and I think we were running parallel to the Mississippi River for a while. I enjoyed it, and Im sure Britney did as well. She made a good addition to the bike. After riding, we loaded up the Jeep again, said our goodbyes, and heads back east for lots of driving, LOTS of driving. I was so freakin tired the whole way home, Britney drove probably most of the way back while I was in and out of conciousness. We got back to West Laffy, and after a long goodbye, we parted and I headed back to Bremen. I got back about 10:30pm. Whew, what a weekend.
It was great being able to visit my grandpa and especially nice to spend some time with Brit. Its amazing what you learn about someone by spending every waking moment with them, especially on car rides. She learned that I can have a bit of temper when I am cranky and lost, and I learned that she likes to change the radio station a lot haha. I kept my mouth shut until now, but once she reads this Im gonna get it. But all in all, it was a great weekend. Sorry for the long post, its hard to fit three days into a single paragraph.
Two hours later, I arrive at Britneys apartment in West Laffy. I took a little rest and we got everything together and packed up the JEEP. Yes, I said Jeep! If you know me, you know that I love Jeeps. Britneys mom has a really nice 2008 Wrangler and had let us borrow it for the weekend. I cant thank her enough for letting us take it, that was the highlight of my year, just having the privilage of driving it. Anyways, we set off for St. Louis from there.
Well, actually, before getting to St. Louis, we had to stop and visit one of her friends that she had met in Greece. I dont wanna say that we HAD to visit her, lets say that we WANTED to see her, just for the sake of me not getting yelled at by Britney. Anyways, she lived somewhere in central Illinois, Im not really sure where we were though, but the GPS did. So we went to TGIFridays with Melissa and her boyfriend, not sure what his name was, Im bad at remembering names. We'll say it was Dan, just for the sake of the story, he looked like a Dan. It was a pretty good time though, Melissa and Britney just gabbed the whole time so that kept us boys entertained. After a little while there, we hit the road again, straight for St. Louis.
A couple hours laters, we see the big arch! St. Louis was absolutely beautiful at night, the sky was clear and the moon was out, and there were big spotlights on the arch, it was great. Well, from what I could see in the 5 seconds I got to look because I was driving in heavy city traffic. It was great....for a while, until we ran into some construction that our GPS didnt know how to get around, and we got lost. Im not really sure why we got off the big highways, but I think that was the wrong thing to do. Oh yeah I remember why, I thought there was a detour so I was following a car that I thought would take us around the construction....but didnt. This place that we were stuck in was shady. I saw one white person the whole time we were in that neighborhood. I mean, I dont have anything againt black people, but when your from a small town like I am, this place is pretty scary. That turned my mood quickly. It was late, about midnight our time, I was cranky, and that place was the last place I wanted to be at that time. This is the time that Britney had discovered that I had inherited my fathers temper. Luckily she was the calm one the entire time. So we stopped at a gas station, of course I didnt want to but she made me, and asked for directions. I swear the directions just took us into deeper and darker places. So we just punched in the Fridays that we had eaten at into the GPS and got the heck out of there. We wound up back onto the road we had entered the city in, turned around, and found a bunch of detour signs that we had missed the first time. Whew! We finally made it to our hotel around 1:30am I think. We were both terribly exhausted.
The next morning, Saturday morning, I had discovered how nice our hotel room really was. I couldnt tell you what floor we were on, but it was up there! And we had a king sized bed, there wasnt a position I couldnt lay and have a limb hang over the edge, I think it was bigger than a dorm room! And the best part was, it was all free! And included a free breakfast!! We were in St. Louis to visit a chiropractic school that she is thinking about attending after Purdue, like a Day on Campus sort of thing, and the school payed for the hotel room.
So after our delicous free breakfast, we headed for the school. It was pretty nice, and they had a lot of credentials and impressive statistics, but ill say that the day on campus thing was pretty boring. Just a lot of people talking about how great the school is. But, there was a lot of free food. AND.......I got to see a dead body. During one of the tours, they took us to a lab where they have a bunch of cadavers, probably 30 or so, laying on metal tables, covered in plastic, waiting to be disected. They told us ahead of time that we dont have to go look, but of course I wanted to. So they pulled back the plastic on one, and there he was, cut open down the center of his back. The doc showed us some muscles and nerves and stuff. The entire time I was thinking about two things. First, my mind kept saying "so this is what lies beneath my feet at the cemetery." And second, "Those muscles sort of look like dark meat turkey." MMmmmm, turkey.
After our little campus visit that lasted most of the morning and part of the afternoon, we got back in the Jeep and headed for good ol' grampa Toms house. He lives about two hours from there, so we thought we'd make a visit while we were in the neighborhood. Once we got there, I gave her a tour of the town, we took some pictures of the huge energy windmill thingy, and then headed to nowhere else but the Cardinal Inn, my grampas favorite restaurant on the face of this planet. After conversing with anyone and everyone, we had decided that we wanted to go the bus derby that night at the county fair. If you dont know what a bus derby is, Ive run into some people who dont, its where people get old schoolbusses and wreck them into each other and the last one standing is the winner. Its the best thing ever. There was a lot of steam and fire and crunched up busses. While at the derby, we ran into a little bit of a thunderstorm. Luckily we were under a roofed stands, but man that wind and rain and lightning was nuts! After the storm passes, we watched a boring round of bus derbyness, it wasnt exciting because the rain had made so much mud that the busses kept getting stuck. So, we left after that. Went back to grandpas and went to bed.
The next morningSunday morning we got up, went to the Cardnal Inn for some breakfast, and decided to do some riding! That is, motorcycle riding. My grandpa has a couple of bikes so he lent me and Britney one for the day. We rode with my grandpa and a couple of his old retired buddies. I think we went about 80 miles that afternoon, down some back roads and some really nice places near the Illinois river, and I think we were running parallel to the Mississippi River for a while. I enjoyed it, and Im sure Britney did as well. She made a good addition to the bike. After riding, we loaded up the Jeep again, said our goodbyes, and heads back east for lots of driving, LOTS of driving. I was so freakin tired the whole way home, Britney drove probably most of the way back while I was in and out of conciousness. We got back to West Laffy, and after a long goodbye, we parted and I headed back to Bremen. I got back about 10:30pm. Whew, what a weekend.
It was great being able to visit my grandpa and especially nice to spend some time with Brit. Its amazing what you learn about someone by spending every waking moment with them, especially on car rides. She learned that I can have a bit of temper when I am cranky and lost, and I learned that she likes to change the radio station a lot haha. I kept my mouth shut until now, but once she reads this Im gonna get it. But all in all, it was a great weekend. Sorry for the long post, its hard to fit three days into a single paragraph.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
God is Closer than You Think
So I was rummaging through some of Todds books this afternoon, through his grand library/dining room, I was looking for a book that I had read last summer, 'Blue Like Jazz,' and I came across this book, 'God is Closer than You Think.' It was pretty intriguing because it didnt have any pictures or a fancy cover page or anything, just a bare hard back cover with 'God is Closer than You Think' written on the spine. I couldnt stop thinking about it for the rest of the day, I felt like it was calling me, "Ben, read me.......READ ME!" So I finally got a little bit of time tonight and I wasnt 5 pages into it when I read this:
"How lonely life is! Oh, we can get by in life with a God who does not speak. Many at least think they do so. But it is not much of a life, and it is certianly not the life God intends for us or the abundance of life Jesus came to make available."
Reading continues.....
"How lonely life is! Oh, we can get by in life with a God who does not speak. Many at least think they do so. But it is not much of a life, and it is certianly not the life God intends for us or the abundance of life Jesus came to make available."
Reading continues.....
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Whats so different?
This summer has been kind of weird for me so far. When I moved back to Bremen I thought I would have a great time like I did last summer, but somehow things are different, and I cant figure out what. I was so happy last summer, so content with everything going on around me, I felt like I had so many options and unlimited freedom, every day was an adventure for me. But this summer, I just want every day to be over with, and I dont notice the little things anymore. The little things that made me so happy last summer dont have the same effect anymore. Take biking for example, that was such an adventure everytime I went out into the countryside to explore and breathe in the fresh air and feel the wind, but now I bike every day to work and those things arent quite as invigorating anymore. Its just a mode of transportation now. I dont see beauty in life anymore. I feel like I am just waiting for something, trying to get through each day as soon as possible instead of enjoying each passing moment. All that life had to offer me a year ago has seemed to fade away and now Im stuck in this monotonous rhythem of week and weekend, week and weekend. Wheres the adventure gone? Whats so different? Is it because I have a job that I am forced to go to from 7-4 every day? Thats a pretty big chunk of my day, and when the work day ends, I just feel exhausted and dont want to do anything the rest of the night. And all I do is worry now. Im forever worried about my car and what to do about that, worried about what Im going to do this weekend, or next month, or next year, or years from now. Im worried about what people think of me now. I dont have the same carefree 'go with the flow' attitude that I used to. And I hate it. I was happy then. Where did I change?
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
New Website
I have some exciting news. Britney had sent me a link to a website that lets you create your own page for your business or for photography or whatever, called wix.com. So I am currently in the process of making my own page for my art and photography, and not only will it be for people to view my stuff, Ill have some contact info on there to hopefully get some buyers and some photography clients. This is gettin serious now! Now I have hopes that when I graduate from college next year I will already be established and have some experience of independent work under my belt.
Actually, I even got yet another photography job for this fall. I got an email from a girl that I went to high school with but who I dont really know asking if I would like to do her engagement pictures for her. I told her straight up that I would love to do them but I dont really have a lot of experience. She said thats fine because she has seen the stuff Ive done already and loves them. And Ive got plenty of time to plan it out and get some things figured out like pricing beforehand but hopefully I can get this website done soon so I can start to market my stuff.
The only problem I have for now is that my stupid computer doesnt seem to be allowing me to create this website, the darn think cant handle the feature. So I think Ill have to use Trents computer or something. But, as you can imaging, its gonna look amazing! Out.
Actually, I even got yet another photography job for this fall. I got an email from a girl that I went to high school with but who I dont really know asking if I would like to do her engagement pictures for her. I told her straight up that I would love to do them but I dont really have a lot of experience. She said thats fine because she has seen the stuff Ive done already and loves them. And Ive got plenty of time to plan it out and get some things figured out like pricing beforehand but hopefully I can get this website done soon so I can start to market my stuff.
The only problem I have for now is that my stupid computer doesnt seem to be allowing me to create this website, the darn think cant handle the feature. So I think Ill have to use Trents computer or something. But, as you can imaging, its gonna look amazing! Out.
Friday, June 19, 2009
wtf
I am SOOO pissed off right now. So I took my car in last night to get worked on and the guy calls me this morning saying "Well, I thought you needed the front wheel bearing replaced instead of the rear, there is a lot more involved with that so we are going to have to charge you more." I was a little upset but cooperative because it came out to be about $240, which is what I was expecting to pay. Then he calls me at lunch and says "well the bearing wore down the wheel hub assembly so that needs replaced or else it will ruin the new bearing." I couldnt believe it. The bill is now up to $420. How could a $90 job turn into $420? Its a good thing that car isnt in my driveway now because I would literally just set it on fire. Im searching online now for a cheaper hub, but its still gonna be about $100 for one, he was gonna charge me $170. I hate this freakin car! I will never buy a BMW again.....ever.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
ooooOOOOOooooo!!
Well, I have a little bit of time to kill today since we left from work at 10 this morning because of rain. So Ill take this time to tell some stories from the cemetery....some HAUNTING stories.
The guys there have told me a couple of stories, they say that things happen all the time but they cant remember every single event. Theyve worked there for like 30 yrs, so their stories have been piling up. They said that they hear their names being yelled while they're mowing all the time, and when they turn to see who it is, there is no one there. There were haunted flowers one time. They threw a set of flowers away at a gravestone one time, and the next day, the exact same flowers were there again. So they threw those away, then they were back. This happened for about a month. They even took the flowers to the dump, a few miles away. Trent told me that one time everyone was sitting around in the garage just talking and the chain lift, the one attached to the roof joists to lift the mowers, fell from the ceiling and landed on one of the mowers. Trent said he has no idea how that happened since it was chained to a joist. I hear things cluttering around in the other garage all the time, sometimes its from the wind, but other times the door is shut and cant explain the sounds.
Here are some stories that I have since I have been working there. Once while I was trimming in the old section, I smelled perfume like there was a 90 year old woman standing right in front of me. I stopped trimming to see who was around, to see if any old women were anywhere in the cemetery, and there wasnt a single person around. I only smelled it for about a second, so I tried to see if there was a trail and sniffed all around the grave I was trimming, and found nothing else. Then a couple of days later, I was once again in the old section just trimming my life away when I saw Troy walk up to me, right behind my right shoulder. I figured it was time for break or something so I turned around to say something to him and there was no one there. Troy was on the other side of the section. That really freaked me out because I clearly saw someone walking from a distance right up beside me and slightly behind. Sometimes Ill see movement in the cemetery and Ill turn around and it will be those small American flags on Veterans' graves, but it wasnt this time. I really dont like trimming the old section, Im completely fine everwhere else, but once we start on those last two sections, I feel really really uncomfortable and I dont know why. Im not thinking about hauntings or anything, I just feel uncomfortable. And I saw two snakes yesterday in those sections, I hate snakes.
So there you go.
The guys there have told me a couple of stories, they say that things happen all the time but they cant remember every single event. Theyve worked there for like 30 yrs, so their stories have been piling up. They said that they hear their names being yelled while they're mowing all the time, and when they turn to see who it is, there is no one there. There were haunted flowers one time. They threw a set of flowers away at a gravestone one time, and the next day, the exact same flowers were there again. So they threw those away, then they were back. This happened for about a month. They even took the flowers to the dump, a few miles away. Trent told me that one time everyone was sitting around in the garage just talking and the chain lift, the one attached to the roof joists to lift the mowers, fell from the ceiling and landed on one of the mowers. Trent said he has no idea how that happened since it was chained to a joist. I hear things cluttering around in the other garage all the time, sometimes its from the wind, but other times the door is shut and cant explain the sounds.
Here are some stories that I have since I have been working there. Once while I was trimming in the old section, I smelled perfume like there was a 90 year old woman standing right in front of me. I stopped trimming to see who was around, to see if any old women were anywhere in the cemetery, and there wasnt a single person around. I only smelled it for about a second, so I tried to see if there was a trail and sniffed all around the grave I was trimming, and found nothing else. Then a couple of days later, I was once again in the old section just trimming my life away when I saw Troy walk up to me, right behind my right shoulder. I figured it was time for break or something so I turned around to say something to him and there was no one there. Troy was on the other side of the section. That really freaked me out because I clearly saw someone walking from a distance right up beside me and slightly behind. Sometimes Ill see movement in the cemetery and Ill turn around and it will be those small American flags on Veterans' graves, but it wasnt this time. I really dont like trimming the old section, Im completely fine everwhere else, but once we start on those last two sections, I feel really really uncomfortable and I dont know why. Im not thinking about hauntings or anything, I just feel uncomfortable. And I saw two snakes yesterday in those sections, I hate snakes.
So there you go.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Cemetery Days
I work at a cemetery this summer, and I love it! I know that its kind of a weird place to work and it kind of catches people off guard when I tell them where I work, but I think its a great job. I mostly just trim around the gravestones, but we do have to pull up sod and dig graves too. Oh, and the common misconception is that we dig the graves by hand, you wouldnt believe the number of people that think that, but we dont. We use a backhoe. It makes things much easier and quicker.
I also like the people I work with too, thats what makes the job fun. Steve is the head sexton there at the cemetery, and hes hilarious. Hes a great boss too, hes a pretty relaxed guy so hes not always on our case to rush around and get things done, but its not like there is much to do anyways. But it makes it easier to follow his orders when he does really need something done. George is the assistant sexton. Hes a character, I dont think I have gone a single day without telling someone somthing about him. Hes a different guy, kind of a nerd, and he tells some pretty crazy stories. Russell, hes probably my favorite. Hes the old guy, I think hes 74 or 75 years old. Just the things hes says sometimes, just have to make me laugh. He always guesses the weather wrong, every single day. He refused to buy a Ford truck, only ever owned Chevys. Hes fun to tease because Ill say something to him or about him and he wont even hear me, or Ill blame things on him and he'll put up a strong defense. And he loves to smoke and drink Mt. Dew. Hes just a typical, confused old guy. And then theres Troy, my fellow trimmer. The other three guys mow, and me and Troy trim. Hes a couple years younger than me and worked there last summer so hes been showing me how to do things.
Ive already had some experiences there, some hauntings, some funny stories, and just random stuff. Heres my day usually goes: We work from 7am-4pm, Mon.-Fri, unless its raining, then we dont have to go in. From 7-9, we usually dont do much, sit around and drink coffee, I usually catch a little nap in there, or sometimes we will dig a grave or trim a little if we're behind. From 9-9:30 is our first break. Me and Troy usually go to Burger King or Mrs. Ts Bakery to grab some brunch, but recently got into the Pancake House. Then from 9:30-10 we will sit around a little longer, or get right to work. Then we work all the way to lunch, noon. We get a one hour lunch break, thats when I go home and watch Full House and enjoy my turkey sandwich. Lunch ends at 1, and we will usually catch up on some more trimming or grave digging/filling that needs to be done. Then our second break is from 2:30-3. Then from 3-4 we will sit around some more and reminise on the day. Great job eh? Next Ill have to tell of some of my haunting experiences. So long.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Boating Adventures, with a Twist
This weekend I went down to West Lafayette to visit Britney and have some adventures with her. My sister let me borrow her car for the weekend so I was actually able to make it there without any worries! And its a convertible so of course I drove the whole weekend with the top down....and of course burnt my face and head from the blazing sun.
On Friday night, Britney and I went and saw a movie, Life in Ruins....or My Life in Ruins.....or something to do with Ruins, it had the same woman from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It was an okay movie, Britney really enjoyed it though because it was all about Greece and she had just seen all the places in the movie from over the past month.
Then on Saturday we went boating with her family. That was a pretty good time but it was kind of on the nippy side most of the day, and the water wasnt much better. I had fun otherwise. We did a little bit of swimming and tubing, not much tubing though because I was kind of afraid of Deans driving style....he liked to make us hurt.....and drive us into packs of geese. Her family is really fun to hang around though, I felt like part of the family the entire time. One moment that is glued into my head about this weekend is sitting at the front of the boat with Britney, she was looking out over the water, looking for driftwood to dodge for the tubers (although she would never tell the driver when she saw some, just say something quietly to me or herself), and she just looked so beatiful with her hair blowing in the wind and her outfit of bikini with shorts and a white sweater jacket thingy set into the green and blue background. It kind of took me aback, and made me smile. I wish I wouldve had my camera, that wouldve been an amazing picture.
Oh and I met her real dad this weekend. He seemed pretty scary to me at first, hes tall and has a really deep voice, and had just woken up from a nap when I met him so he was kind of disoriented and looked aggrivated. But after a while I figured out that hes a pretty nice guy, not too mean I guess....but ill probably still be afraid of him.
And tonight I drove back early because we had a little something going on back home, some big plans. If you havent heard yet, let me be the first to tell you about Abby and Trents engagement proposal.
So Todd and I got to be a part of something really special tonight, we had been helping Trent out with his proposal for a couple of weeks now and tonight was the big night. Heres how it went: Abby and Trent left for Lake Wawasee to get some dinner and stopped by Mary and Jerrys house. Meanwhile, Todd and I were about ten or fifteen minutes behind them. Abby and Trent get to thier house and Jerry offers to let them take the pontoon out on the lake for a spin. So they head out on the lake and come to an area across the lake next to the shore where you can park your boats and its really beautiful and so on and so forth. After about ten minutes of waiting, Todd and I pull up on a speedboat, all dressed up in black pants, white dress shirt, and black tie. We are thier servers for the night. And as Todd and Trent and I are helping to get dinner ready for him and Abby, Trent sets down a fancy napkin in front of Abby that is embroidered with "Abby, will you marry me?" So he gets down on a knee and asks. She says yes of course, then proceeds to fight back some tears and loses the fight miserably. This, in part, makes me tear up also. But once we got the food on the table, she calmed down a little. Then we all ate dinner, well not together, Todd and I ate on the other side of the boat. Oh and I was also the photographer for the night. I ended up taking nearly 150 pictures of them and the ring and the cups and whatever. Some of them turned out really really good though. Ill put some on my flickr when I get a chance. But yeah, after five and half years of being just boyfriend and girlfriend, they are now an engaged couple. Isnt that special.
On Friday night, Britney and I went and saw a movie, Life in Ruins....or My Life in Ruins.....or something to do with Ruins, it had the same woman from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It was an okay movie, Britney really enjoyed it though because it was all about Greece and she had just seen all the places in the movie from over the past month.
Then on Saturday we went boating with her family. That was a pretty good time but it was kind of on the nippy side most of the day, and the water wasnt much better. I had fun otherwise. We did a little bit of swimming and tubing, not much tubing though because I was kind of afraid of Deans driving style....he liked to make us hurt.....and drive us into packs of geese. Her family is really fun to hang around though, I felt like part of the family the entire time. One moment that is glued into my head about this weekend is sitting at the front of the boat with Britney, she was looking out over the water, looking for driftwood to dodge for the tubers (although she would never tell the driver when she saw some, just say something quietly to me or herself), and she just looked so beatiful with her hair blowing in the wind and her outfit of bikini with shorts and a white sweater jacket thingy set into the green and blue background. It kind of took me aback, and made me smile. I wish I wouldve had my camera, that wouldve been an amazing picture.
Oh and I met her real dad this weekend. He seemed pretty scary to me at first, hes tall and has a really deep voice, and had just woken up from a nap when I met him so he was kind of disoriented and looked aggrivated. But after a while I figured out that hes a pretty nice guy, not too mean I guess....but ill probably still be afraid of him.
And tonight I drove back early because we had a little something going on back home, some big plans. If you havent heard yet, let me be the first to tell you about Abby and Trents engagement proposal.
So Todd and I got to be a part of something really special tonight, we had been helping Trent out with his proposal for a couple of weeks now and tonight was the big night. Heres how it went: Abby and Trent left for Lake Wawasee to get some dinner and stopped by Mary and Jerrys house. Meanwhile, Todd and I were about ten or fifteen minutes behind them. Abby and Trent get to thier house and Jerry offers to let them take the pontoon out on the lake for a spin. So they head out on the lake and come to an area across the lake next to the shore where you can park your boats and its really beautiful and so on and so forth. After about ten minutes of waiting, Todd and I pull up on a speedboat, all dressed up in black pants, white dress shirt, and black tie. We are thier servers for the night. And as Todd and Trent and I are helping to get dinner ready for him and Abby, Trent sets down a fancy napkin in front of Abby that is embroidered with "Abby, will you marry me?" So he gets down on a knee and asks. She says yes of course, then proceeds to fight back some tears and loses the fight miserably. This, in part, makes me tear up also. But once we got the food on the table, she calmed down a little. Then we all ate dinner, well not together, Todd and I ate on the other side of the boat. Oh and I was also the photographer for the night. I ended up taking nearly 150 pictures of them and the ring and the cups and whatever. Some of them turned out really really good though. Ill put some on my flickr when I get a chance. But yeah, after five and half years of being just boyfriend and girlfriend, they are now an engaged couple. Isnt that special.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Summer Reunion
Last night was fun.
One of my good friends from college is in the area this weekend and he gave me a call the other night to hang out. So after my busy day of not working (rain) and running around doing other things, I called up another friend, Ian, to see if he would like to join our shenanigans for a night. So we went up to Hacienda in South Bend and had some frozen long islands, which I thought were super strong, and conversed for a while. Then we headed to another bar, Corbys was the name I think, and got a pitcher of beer. I could only drink about a half a glass though cause that long island was effecting me too much and I had to drive. It was funny though, there was a ten dollar minimum to use a debit card, and I was the only one to have cash. But all I had were hundreds (I was prepared to buy something for my car but never did), so I paid a $4 pitcher with a $100 bill. I felt rich. And then I forgot to tip her, whoops. Then we went to another bar called The Linebacker up by Notre Dame. Overall it was a pretty fun night and Im glad I got to hang out with my ATO bros.
Now, Im off to West Laffy for a few days to see Brit. We're going boating tomorrow so that should be nice and tiring.
One of my good friends from college is in the area this weekend and he gave me a call the other night to hang out. So after my busy day of not working (rain) and running around doing other things, I called up another friend, Ian, to see if he would like to join our shenanigans for a night. So we went up to Hacienda in South Bend and had some frozen long islands, which I thought were super strong, and conversed for a while. Then we headed to another bar, Corbys was the name I think, and got a pitcher of beer. I could only drink about a half a glass though cause that long island was effecting me too much and I had to drive. It was funny though, there was a ten dollar minimum to use a debit card, and I was the only one to have cash. But all I had were hundreds (I was prepared to buy something for my car but never did), so I paid a $4 pitcher with a $100 bill. I felt rich. And then I forgot to tip her, whoops. Then we went to another bar called The Linebacker up by Notre Dame. Overall it was a pretty fun night and Im glad I got to hang out with my ATO bros.
Now, Im off to West Laffy for a few days to see Brit. We're going boating tomorrow so that should be nice and tiring.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Wedding Photographer?
So since I got my camera for Christmas, Ive been pretty interested in photography. Well, Ive always been interested in photography, but now Im able to actually act on that interest. And with my background in art, I feel that I would be a pretty decent photographer, but its only a hobby for now. I have gone out a couple of times and taken photos with Trent, and then once with Britney, and every once in a while Ill get inspired and go out on my own and see what I can capture. Its a pretty good time. Photoshop is my specialty though, thats where the magic happens.
But tonight I got a phone call from a certain Meghan Phillips with a proposal. Meghan is engaged to Chuff (Chad Huff if you dont know him), who is Todds brother......very confusing I know. But anyways, she asked me tonight if I would like to help Jane take pictures for thier wedding. I was thrilled! Of course I said I would help, this will be great photography experience. I have already taken some pictures for Stacee, just some of her and her family, and Stacee already wants me to take her engagement photos AND wedding photos. So this has gotten me ramped up even more about photography! That would be so much fun to be a professional photographer.
But I have a long ways to go. Ill keep it as a hobby for now, but keep it in the back of my mind as another profession. Man, being an indepentent artist is gonna be great.
But tonight I got a phone call from a certain Meghan Phillips with a proposal. Meghan is engaged to Chuff (Chad Huff if you dont know him), who is Todds brother......very confusing I know. But anyways, she asked me tonight if I would like to help Jane take pictures for thier wedding. I was thrilled! Of course I said I would help, this will be great photography experience. I have already taken some pictures for Stacee, just some of her and her family, and Stacee already wants me to take her engagement photos AND wedding photos. So this has gotten me ramped up even more about photography! That would be so much fun to be a professional photographer.
But I have a long ways to go. Ill keep it as a hobby for now, but keep it in the back of my mind as another profession. Man, being an indepentent artist is gonna be great.
Parents Date
Last night was interesting. Britney finally arrived back in the states yesterday, home from Greece. She landed in Philadelphia yesterday at like 3 or 4. I had known for a while that she was coming back this Tuesday so I wanted to surprise her and be there at the airport in Indianapolis waiting for her. So a couple of days ago I talked to her mom and made plans to meet up with them then head over to the airport.
I was going to meet her mom and Dean at the Starbucks by I65 in Lafayette at 6:00pm, and it takes two hours to get there, and I dont like to rush, so I sacrificed a whole $8.25 of hard "labor" and left an hour early from work to get showered and such. So as I was driving down, Britney calls me to tell me she was in Philadelphia waiting for her next flight and during our conversations she asked if I was driving somewhere, and me being the worst liar in history, I say no Im just sitting at the house. She asks why its so windy there, and I change the subject. I think she figured it all out right then.
So I arrive at Starbucks and meet her parents there. Oh by the way, I was terrified the whole drive down because my car has been in horrible shape lately. The wheel bearing is so loud I cant even hear myself think, my dads friend Mike told me a story about a bad wheel bearing on his truck one time, he said the whole wheel flew off driving down the road. And its got like half the power it used to because of.....something else wrong with it, so I can barely even make it up hills. Stupid car. Anyways, once I met up with Kim and Dean, they tell me her flight has been delayed an hour, so we had plenty of time to kill. So we hung out at Starbucks for a while, then went to a super fancy/expensive car wash. Then slowly drive down to Indy. We had time to stop and eat so we went to Ruby Tuesdays and had a nice little meal. Somewhere between our drive down and dinner, Brit calls again and says shes in the plane but there are more delays, I guess something was wrong with the plane, or the pilot was drunk and they had to wait for him to sober up. So we have another couple of hours to kill. So.....we went to the movie theatre across the street. We saw Night at the Museum 2. During the movie, Brit calls again, upset and histerical according to Dean, and says that her flight has been cancelled and theres nothing available until the morning. So she had to stay in a hotel overnight and wait for another flight. Meanwhile, our movie gets done at around 11pm. So we drive back to Lafayette, me and Dean talk about wrestling the whole way, and I begin my drive my two hour drive back to Bremen. I talked to Britney on the phone for about an hour on the way, well, tried to, the cabin of my car was so loud from that bearing I could hardly hear what she was saying. Oh, and I saw an accident on my way home, it looked like a semi driver had fallen asleep and went off the road, I mean he was WAY out there. There were tons of cop cars and ambulances there too.
Anyways, I was pretty tired on the way home and disappointed that I drove all the way down there to see her and didnt get to. I ended up in bed at 2am, then had to get up at 6am for work. Im not really that tired though. So that was my date night with the 'rents last night. All things considered, I still had a good time, I have a good time no matter what happens.
I was going to meet her mom and Dean at the Starbucks by I65 in Lafayette at 6:00pm, and it takes two hours to get there, and I dont like to rush, so I sacrificed a whole $8.25 of hard "labor" and left an hour early from work to get showered and such. So as I was driving down, Britney calls me to tell me she was in Philadelphia waiting for her next flight and during our conversations she asked if I was driving somewhere, and me being the worst liar in history, I say no Im just sitting at the house. She asks why its so windy there, and I change the subject. I think she figured it all out right then.
So I arrive at Starbucks and meet her parents there. Oh by the way, I was terrified the whole drive down because my car has been in horrible shape lately. The wheel bearing is so loud I cant even hear myself think, my dads friend Mike told me a story about a bad wheel bearing on his truck one time, he said the whole wheel flew off driving down the road. And its got like half the power it used to because of.....something else wrong with it, so I can barely even make it up hills. Stupid car. Anyways, once I met up with Kim and Dean, they tell me her flight has been delayed an hour, so we had plenty of time to kill. So we hung out at Starbucks for a while, then went to a super fancy/expensive car wash. Then slowly drive down to Indy. We had time to stop and eat so we went to Ruby Tuesdays and had a nice little meal. Somewhere between our drive down and dinner, Brit calls again and says shes in the plane but there are more delays, I guess something was wrong with the plane, or the pilot was drunk and they had to wait for him to sober up. So we have another couple of hours to kill. So.....we went to the movie theatre across the street. We saw Night at the Museum 2. During the movie, Brit calls again, upset and histerical according to Dean, and says that her flight has been cancelled and theres nothing available until the morning. So she had to stay in a hotel overnight and wait for another flight. Meanwhile, our movie gets done at around 11pm. So we drive back to Lafayette, me and Dean talk about wrestling the whole way, and I begin my drive my two hour drive back to Bremen. I talked to Britney on the phone for about an hour on the way, well, tried to, the cabin of my car was so loud from that bearing I could hardly hear what she was saying. Oh, and I saw an accident on my way home, it looked like a semi driver had fallen asleep and went off the road, I mean he was WAY out there. There were tons of cop cars and ambulances there too.
Anyways, I was pretty tired on the way home and disappointed that I drove all the way down there to see her and didnt get to. I ended up in bed at 2am, then had to get up at 6am for work. Im not really that tired though. So that was my date night with the 'rents last night. All things considered, I still had a good time, I have a good time no matter what happens.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Flickr
Ive got some new pics up.
Check them out here ----->
Or here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/benmiller87/show/with/3174284067/
Most of the pictures are of Stacee, but also include special appearances by her sister Holly, her fiance Steven, and her Mom, Dad, and brother Jimmy. I took all of these pictures and tinkered with them in Photoshop.
There are also a few pictures that Britney sent me from Greece that I had touched up a little. Enjoy!
Check them out here ----->
Or here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/benmiller87/show/with/3174284067/
Most of the pictures are of Stacee, but also include special appearances by her sister Holly, her fiance Steven, and her Mom, Dad, and brother Jimmy. I took all of these pictures and tinkered with them in Photoshop.
There are also a few pictures that Britney sent me from Greece that I had touched up a little. Enjoy!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
There is no Fear in Love
John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
Last night at church we talked about risk and this was one of the quotes that was brought up. Of course John is talking about Gods love, but this got me thinking about Britney and relationships in general.
I have always been terrified of relationships. Even just the first step of starting one. I mean, I have always enjoyed dating, but only up until a certian point. I would much rather play it safe and be single, so thats what I did. I mean, relationships are risky. Here are some of the fears that I have had in the past: I always thought I would lose my freedom. I dont like to be told what to do and when Im around my friends who have girlfriends, it seems like they dont have any decision making abilities anymore, they always have to ask their signifcant other if its ok to do something. It always made me cock my head to the side and think, why would I want to be like that? Another fear, what if I change? Or what if she changes? What if we arent the same people we were so attracted to in the first place? Then what? Or, what happens if I get tired of this person. I have some friends that if I see them too much, I get tired of them, tired of being around them so I need to quit hanging out with them for a while. And sometimes I see people who have been in a long term relationship who just seem bored with each other, like they dont even want to be together, they just are because thats all they know, they dont even consider the possibilty of breaking up because they feel like theyre stuck with each other. I always took these things into consideration when choosing whether or not to continue a relationship with a girl. And most of the time, I chose not to. It wasnt worth the risk. I wasnt worth breaking her heart or getting mine broken. These fears also have always hindered my ability to show emotion or express any sort of love. I have never told a girl that I love her. There was always just too much involved with the word love, too many expectations, too much to live up with no room for failure.
But after hearing that quote "There is no Fear in Love" I realized that my fears have always held me back from love, not the other way around. I always thought that love would hold me back, but it was me that was holding back love.
Like I said before, I have been dating Britney for a couple of months now. I have had a couple of conversations with her before about relationships and told her how I felt. Ive told her about my fears of commitment and relationships. And she has told me about her fears. But last night, I thought I would take the risk. I wrote her a little email (since shes in Greece, its hard to communcate otherwise) and told her what I thought. Heres a little blip from the email:
I have something I want to ask you, and its probably pretty lame that I do over email, but I had a thought tonight. I know, uh oh, Bens thinking again, this cant be good. But I heard a quote tonight, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." That got me thinking about relationships. Like I said, Im terrified to be in a relationship, and that has always hindered my decision to move on with one. And that fear has always held me back from expressing any emotion or thoughts of love. But I want you to know that I do really like you. Youre different from other girls Ive dated. Youre not selfish, you can make me laugh, you are very caring, and youre one of the sweetest girls Ive ever met. Like I said before, its hard for me to find things that I DONT like about you. Im in love with your soft voice, youre girly girl nature with a rugged farmer girl background, your curly hair, and your beautiful BROWN (no matter what you say thats what color they are) eyes. I guess I just want to ask if we should make it official, if you would be my girlfriend. I know Im probably making a huge deal about this, but it is a huge deal to me.
She said that email made her cry, in a good way. She said yes of course. So for now, I guess Ill have to set aside my fears and just go with it.
Last night at church we talked about risk and this was one of the quotes that was brought up. Of course John is talking about Gods love, but this got me thinking about Britney and relationships in general.
I have always been terrified of relationships. Even just the first step of starting one. I mean, I have always enjoyed dating, but only up until a certian point. I would much rather play it safe and be single, so thats what I did. I mean, relationships are risky. Here are some of the fears that I have had in the past: I always thought I would lose my freedom. I dont like to be told what to do and when Im around my friends who have girlfriends, it seems like they dont have any decision making abilities anymore, they always have to ask their signifcant other if its ok to do something. It always made me cock my head to the side and think, why would I want to be like that? Another fear, what if I change? Or what if she changes? What if we arent the same people we were so attracted to in the first place? Then what? Or, what happens if I get tired of this person. I have some friends that if I see them too much, I get tired of them, tired of being around them so I need to quit hanging out with them for a while. And sometimes I see people who have been in a long term relationship who just seem bored with each other, like they dont even want to be together, they just are because thats all they know, they dont even consider the possibilty of breaking up because they feel like theyre stuck with each other. I always took these things into consideration when choosing whether or not to continue a relationship with a girl. And most of the time, I chose not to. It wasnt worth the risk. I wasnt worth breaking her heart or getting mine broken. These fears also have always hindered my ability to show emotion or express any sort of love. I have never told a girl that I love her. There was always just too much involved with the word love, too many expectations, too much to live up with no room for failure.
But after hearing that quote "There is no Fear in Love" I realized that my fears have always held me back from love, not the other way around. I always thought that love would hold me back, but it was me that was holding back love.
Like I said before, I have been dating Britney for a couple of months now. I have had a couple of conversations with her before about relationships and told her how I felt. Ive told her about my fears of commitment and relationships. And she has told me about her fears. But last night, I thought I would take the risk. I wrote her a little email (since shes in Greece, its hard to communcate otherwise) and told her what I thought. Heres a little blip from the email:
I have something I want to ask you, and its probably pretty lame that I do over email, but I had a thought tonight. I know, uh oh, Bens thinking again, this cant be good. But I heard a quote tonight, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." That got me thinking about relationships. Like I said, Im terrified to be in a relationship, and that has always hindered my decision to move on with one. And that fear has always held me back from expressing any emotion or thoughts of love. But I want you to know that I do really like you. Youre different from other girls Ive dated. Youre not selfish, you can make me laugh, you are very caring, and youre one of the sweetest girls Ive ever met. Like I said before, its hard for me to find things that I DONT like about you. Im in love with your soft voice, youre girly girl nature with a rugged farmer girl background, your curly hair, and your beautiful BROWN (no matter what you say thats what color they are) eyes. I guess I just want to ask if we should make it official, if you would be my girlfriend. I know Im probably making a huge deal about this, but it is a huge deal to me.
She said that email made her cry, in a good way. She said yes of course. So for now, I guess Ill have to set aside my fears and just go with it.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
It has been QUITE a while...
Agreed? Agreed. Once I got out of the habit of blogging every day, it was hard to get back into it. There was so much crap going on that it was hard to find time to blog, then I really didnt even know what to say anymore, since I knew who my readers were. But now that no one reads this anymore, it will be much easier to say what I want haha.
But to start off, heres a little update. Its summertime. Schools out. Ive been back for about a month now, maybe a little less. I got a job at the wonderful Bremen Cemetery for the summer, which I think is great. I mostly trim graves with a weedeater, but sometimes I help dig graves and fill them. I like my job though, I get a good tan, its nice being outside all the time, I dont have to work if its raining, and I get paid decent. And its haunted, but Ill elaborate on that another time.
Ive been dating a girl named Britney for about two months now. I met her at a formal party we had at the beginning of April, shortly after I took my blog break. Shes great, one of the sweetest girls I know. I love being around her, but havent been able to for the past few weeks because she has been in Greece for a study abroad program. But she gets back this Tuesday, so that will be nice. She'll be living in West Lafayette for the summer so Ill only get to see her on weekends, but Im looking forward to hanging out with her this summer.
Really, those are about the only big changes from last time I blogged. I have a lot of time to think at the cemetery while Im trimming, so I will put down some thoughts over the summer. A lot of things about life and death, since death is the business there. There will probably be a lot of cemetery stories this summer, since it consumes the majority of my day. So theres the update :)
But to start off, heres a little update. Its summertime. Schools out. Ive been back for about a month now, maybe a little less. I got a job at the wonderful Bremen Cemetery for the summer, which I think is great. I mostly trim graves with a weedeater, but sometimes I help dig graves and fill them. I like my job though, I get a good tan, its nice being outside all the time, I dont have to work if its raining, and I get paid decent. And its haunted, but Ill elaborate on that another time.
Ive been dating a girl named Britney for about two months now. I met her at a formal party we had at the beginning of April, shortly after I took my blog break. Shes great, one of the sweetest girls I know. I love being around her, but havent been able to for the past few weeks because she has been in Greece for a study abroad program. But she gets back this Tuesday, so that will be nice. She'll be living in West Lafayette for the summer so Ill only get to see her on weekends, but Im looking forward to hanging out with her this summer.
Really, those are about the only big changes from last time I blogged. I have a lot of time to think at the cemetery while Im trimming, so I will put down some thoughts over the summer. A lot of things about life and death, since death is the business there. There will probably be a lot of cemetery stories this summer, since it consumes the majority of my day. So theres the update :)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Its nice out
Its sunny and warm today, and I actually got a lot accomplished and felt more energized. Its gotta be a seasonal thing.
Oh Dear...
So lately I have been in a pretty weird mood, Id say for about the last few months. Id say ever since I had mono, Ive been feeling this way. Nearly every day, I feel like doing absolutely nothing. I have no interest whatsoever in doing even the simplist tasks like going to class, going out with friends, sometimes eating, and sometimes I dont even want to get on my computer or watch TV or anything, I will just sit in my room and stare into space, or pick at my guitar for hours on end. It seems like when I have to do these tasks, it is somehow a burden to me, my instict always says to do otherwise, which is nothing. But, I force myself to do stuff every day. I lay in bed nearly every morning (sometimes afternoon) having to talk myself into getting up to start the day.
And there are other things, little things. I havent dated anyone this semester, I havent even tried. I was all about dating last semester and looked for every oppurtunity. Its not that Im not confident anymore, its nothing like that, I just dont feel like it. I dont feel like meeting new people. The other day I was at a restaurant and our waitress was pretty cute, and she seemed extra nice to me. I thought to myself, I could probably pull something off and get a date with her, but eh, I dont feel like it. I cant even get around to making plans with anyone, or returning phone calls, or really doing anything. Everything seems like such a burden for some reason. All of the things I used to be interested in before like drawing, blogging, photography, being creative in general, meeting new people, dating, all that stuff is just boring to me now, is seemingly not worth my time.
Also, I have been extremely tired every day. I thought at first it could be that Im not getting enough sleep, or too much sleep, but no matter how much I get, Im still tired every single day. At any given moment of the day, I could just take a nap, and thats all I want to do, and thats all I think about, how tired I am. I even find myself drifting off in class sometimes. I slept for 40 minutes in a 50 minute class one day. Today, I layed down to take a cat nap before class, and woke up an hour and half later to find out I had slept completely through my class.
I figured that these might be some symptoms of depression. But the thing is, I dont feel sad or anything like that. Im actually pretty positive, Im still the same old Ben when Im hanging out with my friends, I just have no drive or motivation to do anything anymore. So I got online tonight to look at some of the symptoms of depression and sure enough, a good portion of these were there. And as I read on, I came across an article about nervous breakdowns. Here are some syptoms of a nervous breakdown from the article I read:
One article I read linked caffeine to depression. I have been drinking coffee and tea and workout stuff like its my job this semester. In that past I hardly ever had that stuff. Maybe this has sparked it? I dont know, but I think Im going to give it up now after reading that. I also noticed that I feel a whole new sense of renewal when the weather is warm. Maybe its just cabin fever or something.
Man, a nervous breakdown? Just the words sound terrible. What is this, a quarter life crisis?
And there are other things, little things. I havent dated anyone this semester, I havent even tried. I was all about dating last semester and looked for every oppurtunity. Its not that Im not confident anymore, its nothing like that, I just dont feel like it. I dont feel like meeting new people. The other day I was at a restaurant and our waitress was pretty cute, and she seemed extra nice to me. I thought to myself, I could probably pull something off and get a date with her, but eh, I dont feel like it. I cant even get around to making plans with anyone, or returning phone calls, or really doing anything. Everything seems like such a burden for some reason. All of the things I used to be interested in before like drawing, blogging, photography, being creative in general, meeting new people, dating, all that stuff is just boring to me now, is seemingly not worth my time.
Also, I have been extremely tired every day. I thought at first it could be that Im not getting enough sleep, or too much sleep, but no matter how much I get, Im still tired every single day. At any given moment of the day, I could just take a nap, and thats all I want to do, and thats all I think about, how tired I am. I even find myself drifting off in class sometimes. I slept for 40 minutes in a 50 minute class one day. Today, I layed down to take a cat nap before class, and woke up an hour and half later to find out I had slept completely through my class.
I figured that these might be some symptoms of depression. But the thing is, I dont feel sad or anything like that. Im actually pretty positive, Im still the same old Ben when Im hanging out with my friends, I just have no drive or motivation to do anything anymore. So I got online tonight to look at some of the symptoms of depression and sure enough, a good portion of these were there. And as I read on, I came across an article about nervous breakdowns. Here are some syptoms of a nervous breakdown from the article I read:
- Loss of interest in normal daily activities
- Agitation or restlessness
- Persistent crying
- Appetite changes
- Sleep disturbances
- Trouble concentrating and making decisions
One article I read linked caffeine to depression. I have been drinking coffee and tea and workout stuff like its my job this semester. In that past I hardly ever had that stuff. Maybe this has sparked it? I dont know, but I think Im going to give it up now after reading that. I also noticed that I feel a whole new sense of renewal when the weather is warm. Maybe its just cabin fever or something.
Man, a nervous breakdown? Just the words sound terrible. What is this, a quarter life crisis?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Life
Yes, its nearly 3:30 in the morning. I have been studying for an exam for the past several hours, had a couple cups of coffee around 1am, and of course, now I cant sleep. My exam is at 10:30 in the morning. Im sure Ill be fine though.
But anyways, during my studying, I would take little breaks here and there to watch some Demetri Martin footage on Youtube. If you have some time to throw away, about 40 minutes or so, I would highly recommend watching this (Trent, you would find it interesting). He is a comedian, but also a thinker, and analyzer. And a very very smart person. He starts off by saying "The unexamined life is not worth living." Those are the very first words he says. Of course, this sparked my interest. I over analyze nearly everything. And life is no exception.
So Im laying here in bed trying to sleep, and I cant stop thinking about life and why I do the things I do and where I want to take my life and all of the options available. And Im thinking about other peoples lives as well. I dont know how others view life, what their thoughts and opinions are about how to live their lives. I dont know if they think the same things that I do. But in my mind, they dont.
I view a steriotypical American life as this: birth, childhood, adolescence, college, career, marriage, children.......long period of previous three.......retirement, lots of golf and cadillac, then death. That is the image of how everyone should live their lives. Those are lives natural steps.
As I was lying in bed, a visuallization popped up into my head about life. I feel like Im living in a box. It is finite, there are edges and limits, but there is very much room to move around, and I can go in any direction I would like. And eventually, no matter which direction I choose to go, I will hit an edge and that will be it. I will no longer be trapped in the box. And compared to whats outside of this box, the box is unbelievably tiny. And compared to the unbelievably tiny box, I, as a person, am crazy tiny.
But this is how I view others. Im probably wrong, and Im probably generalizing, but I view others as living on an infinate line on a sphere, the line just goes round and round. They have no other direction to go but forward. There are several dots on the line, and they are just traveling from one dot to the next, or one goal to another, traveling from college to career, check that off the list. And they think that this will go on forever. They cant see past the horizen of the sphere, but they think it will just go around and around. They arent concerned with limits or boundaries. Are you following me?
Why do I visualize this? Do others think that way because thats how they were taught? Because society makes us beleive we have a set pattern or direction to life?
These 'other' people have goals. I just figured out that I have no goals. I also have no career ambitions. Why is that? Im trying to figure it out. Maybe I dont have goals because if I have no goals, then there will be no disappointment if I dont acheive them. Or maybe its because I expect the unexpected to happen, which will interfere with my goals. My only goal is to wake up each morning. Thats all I expect from life. When I no longer wake up in the mornings, Ill know that I have succeeded in my goals of all of the past mornings.
Like I said, I have no career ambitions. The only thing I expect from a career is to earn me enough money to survive. Because really, what is a career anyways? A career to me is something that I am forced to do from 20-something to 60-something to obtain things, to make my family happy, to keep me busy, to make me believe that Im contributing something, the list goes on. I hate the idea of a career. But then again, I cant avoid it.
Its well past 4am, I should get to sleep if I can. I would continue on to marriage, but ill save that for another time. I told you I overanalyze everything. Ill just remind myself that "The unexamined life is not worth living"
But anyways, during my studying, I would take little breaks here and there to watch some Demetri Martin footage on Youtube. If you have some time to throw away, about 40 minutes or so, I would highly recommend watching this (Trent, you would find it interesting). He is a comedian, but also a thinker, and analyzer. And a very very smart person. He starts off by saying "The unexamined life is not worth living." Those are the very first words he says. Of course, this sparked my interest. I over analyze nearly everything. And life is no exception.
So Im laying here in bed trying to sleep, and I cant stop thinking about life and why I do the things I do and where I want to take my life and all of the options available. And Im thinking about other peoples lives as well. I dont know how others view life, what their thoughts and opinions are about how to live their lives. I dont know if they think the same things that I do. But in my mind, they dont.
I view a steriotypical American life as this: birth, childhood, adolescence, college, career, marriage, children.......long period of previous three.......retirement, lots of golf and cadillac, then death. That is the image of how everyone should live their lives. Those are lives natural steps.
As I was lying in bed, a visuallization popped up into my head about life. I feel like Im living in a box. It is finite, there are edges and limits, but there is very much room to move around, and I can go in any direction I would like. And eventually, no matter which direction I choose to go, I will hit an edge and that will be it. I will no longer be trapped in the box. And compared to whats outside of this box, the box is unbelievably tiny. And compared to the unbelievably tiny box, I, as a person, am crazy tiny.
But this is how I view others. Im probably wrong, and Im probably generalizing, but I view others as living on an infinate line on a sphere, the line just goes round and round. They have no other direction to go but forward. There are several dots on the line, and they are just traveling from one dot to the next, or one goal to another, traveling from college to career, check that off the list. And they think that this will go on forever. They cant see past the horizen of the sphere, but they think it will just go around and around. They arent concerned with limits or boundaries. Are you following me?
Why do I visualize this? Do others think that way because thats how they were taught? Because society makes us beleive we have a set pattern or direction to life?
These 'other' people have goals. I just figured out that I have no goals. I also have no career ambitions. Why is that? Im trying to figure it out. Maybe I dont have goals because if I have no goals, then there will be no disappointment if I dont acheive them. Or maybe its because I expect the unexpected to happen, which will interfere with my goals. My only goal is to wake up each morning. Thats all I expect from life. When I no longer wake up in the mornings, Ill know that I have succeeded in my goals of all of the past mornings.
Like I said, I have no career ambitions. The only thing I expect from a career is to earn me enough money to survive. Because really, what is a career anyways? A career to me is something that I am forced to do from 20-something to 60-something to obtain things, to make my family happy, to keep me busy, to make me believe that Im contributing something, the list goes on. I hate the idea of a career. But then again, I cant avoid it.
Its well past 4am, I should get to sleep if I can. I would continue on to marriage, but ill save that for another time. I told you I overanalyze everything. Ill just remind myself that "The unexamined life is not worth living"
Monday, March 23, 2009
Serenades!
Its that time of year, serenade time! This is when our fraternity goes around to most of the sororities on campus and dance for them to try to make them fall in love with us, actually we are just trying to get them to come to our philanthropy (event to raise money for a cause, if you didnt know). The greek system is very complicated, I was trying to explain the things we do to a GDI (gosh darn independent, to be clean) and most of it sounds crazy and complicated but its still fun.
But anyways, serenades. This year I am part of the dance crew. We just started going around to the sororities tonight....and I just learned the dance last night. Originally I was supposed to be Patrick Swayze's character in the SNL Chippendales skit, but I never practiced and I didnt really want to do itanyways, so now I have a different part. Me and three other guys have four chairs, we dance a little to a song, then pick four girls out of the audience, sit them down, then dance for them, and eventually get on one knee and sing to them. Its so much fun! While Im dancing, I usually turn around and shake my butt for them, one girl actually spanked it once. Then while Im on my knee, I hold her hand, kiss it, do the little 'boop' thing (finger to the nose), and gaze into their eyes with my cute puppydog eyes. Im sure their hearts just melt. We did four tonight, I think we are doing sixteen altogether all week long. Good times.
But anyways, serenades. This year I am part of the dance crew. We just started going around to the sororities tonight....and I just learned the dance last night. Originally I was supposed to be Patrick Swayze's character in the SNL Chippendales skit, but I never practiced and I didnt really want to do itanyways, so now I have a different part. Me and three other guys have four chairs, we dance a little to a song, then pick four girls out of the audience, sit them down, then dance for them, and eventually get on one knee and sing to them. Its so much fun! While Im dancing, I usually turn around and shake my butt for them, one girl actually spanked it once. Then while Im on my knee, I hold her hand, kiss it, do the little 'boop' thing (finger to the nose), and gaze into their eyes with my cute puppydog eyes. Im sure their hearts just melt. We did four tonight, I think we are doing sixteen altogether all week long. Good times.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Asking for Help
Ive had to do a lot of this lately, and I hate it. Asking for help is one thing that I absolutely dread doing.
Since I have been in college, I have become rather independent, or at least Id like to think I have. I try to do things on my own now, I have become quite the problem solver. Before, I relied mostly on my parents for....well just about everything: buying and making me food, doing laundry, paying for school, setting up plans and arranging schedules for certian things, finding jobs, you name it, they probably had a hand in any given decision. But with four years under my belt of relative independence, I have changed quite a bit. I like doing things on my own now, I like making my own decisions. I would rather solve my own problems, with my own approaches.
But sometimes there are things that I cant do by myself, so I have to ask for help, but this is always a last resort for me. This is a fear I have developed and I have no idea how it came to be. I dont know if its a pride issue or what, but I would rather jump off of a bridge (not literall (or if literally, not too high, maybe 6 feet)) than ask someone to help me out. I get knots in my stomach when I have to do this. I just feel like I am hassling someone by asking them to take some time out to resolve an issue that I had brought upon myself. Its my problem, why should someone else being dealing with it? I know if someone asks me for help, although I am usually willing, sometimes I dont really want to help them. And I feel like when I am in need of help, some people dont really want to help me, they just do it because they feel obligated, or maybe even sorry for me. This is why I would much rather resolve an issue on my own.
Lately, I have been pretty broke, for most of this semester I have had very little money. And its no ones fault but my own. And even more recently, a couple of days ago, my car broke down. Broken water pump, fan, serpentine belt, and several other issues, and I have needed help with that. It broke down around midnight on a weekday, while everyone else was asleep. I sat in my car in the freezing and dark for about ten minutes trying to find a way to get out of that situation on my own. I really really really did not want to call anyone and wake them and have them take time out of sleep to pick me up or tow my car. That was treachurous for me. And now, I need help fixing it, I need help getting around, I need help getting back to Purdue, I need help with money to fix it, its pretty overwhelming. My gut gets into knots whenever I need to ask someone if they can do a favor for me.
This fear could apply to so many different areas as well. Being home for spring break this week, as mentioned before, I have to find places to stay. Most of my family and friends say they are willing to let me stay with them, but I still have that fear of asking if its okay. I feel like I am intruding on them, I feel like a nuisance to them. I dont feel right being here in Bremen anymore. Nothing is mine anymore, everything I take is someone elses. Someone elses bed, someone elses food, someones time, someones roof over my head, someones TV Im watching, someones computer I am using to blog on. I just dont feel right taking things from people.
This has developed into an acceptance of gifts as well. Since high school, I dont feel right accepting gifts. Although I am more than willing to give to someone else, I still dont feel right taking from someone, seemingly being in their debt. Its like my life motto is "What mine is yours, and whats yours is yours." I remember telling my mom that she really doesnt have to buy me anything for Christmas anymore, I dont expect anything. And its true. But, with mom being mom, she is great when it comes to giving, and most of the time I feel like I shouldnt accept what she gives me. Especially in these times with the economy, when she gives me money, I feel like she needs it more than me. I dont have any bills to pay or anything, so really what do I need money for? But I know its rude to decline a gift, so I usually accept. And although I am truly thankful, Im not really sure how to express it.
This even hinders my relationship with God. When I am in trouble or struggling with something, I rarely pray about. I just try to work things out on my own, or ignore the issue altogether, which I know I shouldnt do either. If I pray about something, I feel like its a selfish request. Why should God care about my student loans or girl issues or illnesses? Arent there more important issues for God to deal with like world peace or starving children?
Anyways, theres a good long post of rambling.
Since I have been in college, I have become rather independent, or at least Id like to think I have. I try to do things on my own now, I have become quite the problem solver. Before, I relied mostly on my parents for....well just about everything: buying and making me food, doing laundry, paying for school, setting up plans and arranging schedules for certian things, finding jobs, you name it, they probably had a hand in any given decision. But with four years under my belt of relative independence, I have changed quite a bit. I like doing things on my own now, I like making my own decisions. I would rather solve my own problems, with my own approaches.
But sometimes there are things that I cant do by myself, so I have to ask for help, but this is always a last resort for me. This is a fear I have developed and I have no idea how it came to be. I dont know if its a pride issue or what, but I would rather jump off of a bridge (not literall (or if literally, not too high, maybe 6 feet)) than ask someone to help me out. I get knots in my stomach when I have to do this. I just feel like I am hassling someone by asking them to take some time out to resolve an issue that I had brought upon myself. Its my problem, why should someone else being dealing with it? I know if someone asks me for help, although I am usually willing, sometimes I dont really want to help them. And I feel like when I am in need of help, some people dont really want to help me, they just do it because they feel obligated, or maybe even sorry for me. This is why I would much rather resolve an issue on my own.
Lately, I have been pretty broke, for most of this semester I have had very little money. And its no ones fault but my own. And even more recently, a couple of days ago, my car broke down. Broken water pump, fan, serpentine belt, and several other issues, and I have needed help with that. It broke down around midnight on a weekday, while everyone else was asleep. I sat in my car in the freezing and dark for about ten minutes trying to find a way to get out of that situation on my own. I really really really did not want to call anyone and wake them and have them take time out of sleep to pick me up or tow my car. That was treachurous for me. And now, I need help fixing it, I need help getting around, I need help getting back to Purdue, I need help with money to fix it, its pretty overwhelming. My gut gets into knots whenever I need to ask someone if they can do a favor for me.
This fear could apply to so many different areas as well. Being home for spring break this week, as mentioned before, I have to find places to stay. Most of my family and friends say they are willing to let me stay with them, but I still have that fear of asking if its okay. I feel like I am intruding on them, I feel like a nuisance to them. I dont feel right being here in Bremen anymore. Nothing is mine anymore, everything I take is someone elses. Someone elses bed, someone elses food, someones time, someones roof over my head, someones TV Im watching, someones computer I am using to blog on. I just dont feel right taking things from people.
This has developed into an acceptance of gifts as well. Since high school, I dont feel right accepting gifts. Although I am more than willing to give to someone else, I still dont feel right taking from someone, seemingly being in their debt. Its like my life motto is "What mine is yours, and whats yours is yours." I remember telling my mom that she really doesnt have to buy me anything for Christmas anymore, I dont expect anything. And its true. But, with mom being mom, she is great when it comes to giving, and most of the time I feel like I shouldnt accept what she gives me. Especially in these times with the economy, when she gives me money, I feel like she needs it more than me. I dont have any bills to pay or anything, so really what do I need money for? But I know its rude to decline a gift, so I usually accept. And although I am truly thankful, Im not really sure how to express it.
This even hinders my relationship with God. When I am in trouble or struggling with something, I rarely pray about. I just try to work things out on my own, or ignore the issue altogether, which I know I shouldnt do either. If I pray about something, I feel like its a selfish request. Why should God care about my student loans or girl issues or illnesses? Arent there more important issues for God to deal with like world peace or starving children?
Anyways, theres a good long post of rambling.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Casino night!
So Im officially on spring break. Im a little bummed that I had to come home for spring break. A good majority of my friends went to Panama City for spring break this year, but Im not able to go because I dont have any money or a reliable car to take me down there. But then a few nights ago, a couple of friends and I had come up with the idea to take a roadtrip to California, one of them knows some people in Fresno. We figured it would take about 36 hours to get there, and we would live cheaply, sort of like my Fall Break trip. But then yesterday, the day we were going to leave, the driver decided he didnt want to take his car, so then we had no car, which means we had no trip. I was very disappointed. That drive home was the most depressing drive home ever. But I feel like I am offending people back home when I say that I didnt want to be back here. Its not that I dont want to see my family, the problem is, I have lived here for 18 years, Im not missing anything by being gone. Bremen will always be here. Spring break in Panama City with all of my best friends happens once in a lifetime, and I cant go.
But anyways, casinos, that what I wanted to talk about. Last night my mom took Abby, Rachel, Trent, and me to the Blue Chip casino last night. I thought it was a pretty good time. I went to a casino once in Wisconson with Todd and Chuff, but I only played with three dollars, and I lost it all, so it wasnt that much fun. But last night, my mom surprised with $100 to play with.
So I started off with the penny slots, I was a little hesitant to spend the big bucks at first because I didnt want to just waste my moms money. And, I lost. Then I got brave and played with the $1 slots. I put a $20 in, got down to my last two dollars, then.....won $50! That was pretty exciting! After that, I wanted to learn some of the other places like the roulette table. My mom taught me how to do it, we played together at the same table, and right off the bat, on my very first bet, I won $70. I bet a couple more times, then cashed out. Later on, I pleyed roulette again with Trent, he was trying to win back the money he had lost, and I won another $40. All in all, I almost doubled my money, I made $90 last night. I tried giving it back to my mom, but of course she refused.
Most of us got pretty lucky last night. My mom made a good pretty good chunk of money, Abby was up for a while, then lost most of it. Trent found $20 on the ground, then made his loss back on the roulette table. Im not sure how Rachel did, her boyfriend Derek was down when I left. And my moms husband Mike was up to $250 from $100 on the roulette table.
I found out that at a casino, you have to bet big to win big. Playing penning slots is a waste of money, you get nowhere. The roulette table seemed to be the best chance for winning, unless your name is Abby. It was a minimum bet of $10, but you had a 50/50 chance of doubling that each time. Also, you have a very good chance of getting lung cancer in one night from secondhand smoke.
But anyways, casinos, that what I wanted to talk about. Last night my mom took Abby, Rachel, Trent, and me to the Blue Chip casino last night. I thought it was a pretty good time. I went to a casino once in Wisconson with Todd and Chuff, but I only played with three dollars, and I lost it all, so it wasnt that much fun. But last night, my mom surprised with $100 to play with.
So I started off with the penny slots, I was a little hesitant to spend the big bucks at first because I didnt want to just waste my moms money. And, I lost. Then I got brave and played with the $1 slots. I put a $20 in, got down to my last two dollars, then.....won $50! That was pretty exciting! After that, I wanted to learn some of the other places like the roulette table. My mom taught me how to do it, we played together at the same table, and right off the bat, on my very first bet, I won $70. I bet a couple more times, then cashed out. Later on, I pleyed roulette again with Trent, he was trying to win back the money he had lost, and I won another $40. All in all, I almost doubled my money, I made $90 last night. I tried giving it back to my mom, but of course she refused.
Most of us got pretty lucky last night. My mom made a good pretty good chunk of money, Abby was up for a while, then lost most of it. Trent found $20 on the ground, then made his loss back on the roulette table. Im not sure how Rachel did, her boyfriend Derek was down when I left. And my moms husband Mike was up to $250 from $100 on the roulette table.
I found out that at a casino, you have to bet big to win big. Playing penning slots is a waste of money, you get nowhere. The roulette table seemed to be the best chance for winning, unless your name is Abby. It was a minimum bet of $10, but you had a 50/50 chance of doubling that each time. Also, you have a very good chance of getting lung cancer in one night from secondhand smoke.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Im able
I had an epiphany today, one that made me glad to be alive. I had just gotten out of class, walked out of the art building to once again realized it was cold and windy outside as the thought "I hate cold weather" had crept into my head. It was just warm yesterday, warm enough to wear only a tshirt and no jacket, now today it is in the teens.
Then it hit me.
It sounds a little strange, but I thought about how lucky I was to have the opportunity to feel the cold, just the chance to actually feel. Im not talking about thinking of other people who are in warm climates who have never been in freezing temperatures. Im talking about being alive, as in not dead. This isnt the first time Ive thought this. Sometimes while I am hating the cold weather because it makes me uncomfortable, at the same time I embrace the feeling of the bitter cold air on my face, its hard to describe why I do this, Im just happy to be alive I guess, happy to exist, glad that I have gotten the opportunity to be human. Im just trying to embrace the little things. I feel like I wont get these opportunities after I die. Or maybe its just a taste of what Ill get. Not sure.
This is a hard concept to describe. Just imagine that there are things out there, maybe angels or something, that dont have the opportunities that we do. We have certain abilities that we are born with. We are able to build relationships, laugh, cry, hurt, love, breathe oxygen, create, destroy, reason, eat, sleep, wonder, I feel like we are completely free, we have no bounds. It sounds really crazy when I write it down, I probably sound like I am mentally ill or something.
But this feeling makes me forget about the craziness of life, about the things I want or think I need, about problems with school and girls and money, and helps me see the big picture. Im just trying not to let life pass me by without noticing the characteristics of living, of existence in general. God had made the choice for me to exist, or to not exist, why shouldnt I embrace it?
Then it hit me.
It sounds a little strange, but I thought about how lucky I was to have the opportunity to feel the cold, just the chance to actually feel. Im not talking about thinking of other people who are in warm climates who have never been in freezing temperatures. Im talking about being alive, as in not dead. This isnt the first time Ive thought this. Sometimes while I am hating the cold weather because it makes me uncomfortable, at the same time I embrace the feeling of the bitter cold air on my face, its hard to describe why I do this, Im just happy to be alive I guess, happy to exist, glad that I have gotten the opportunity to be human. Im just trying to embrace the little things. I feel like I wont get these opportunities after I die. Or maybe its just a taste of what Ill get. Not sure.
This is a hard concept to describe. Just imagine that there are things out there, maybe angels or something, that dont have the opportunities that we do. We have certain abilities that we are born with. We are able to build relationships, laugh, cry, hurt, love, breathe oxygen, create, destroy, reason, eat, sleep, wonder, I feel like we are completely free, we have no bounds. It sounds really crazy when I write it down, I probably sound like I am mentally ill or something.
But this feeling makes me forget about the craziness of life, about the things I want or think I need, about problems with school and girls and money, and helps me see the big picture. Im just trying not to let life pass me by without noticing the characteristics of living, of existence in general. God had made the choice for me to exist, or to not exist, why shouldnt I embrace it?
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Active Thursday
I learned two life altering things yesterday. Two things that dont really apply to life, but are some amazing things to know.
I learned how to do a backflip, and learned how to solve a rubik's cube. Those are pretty big deals.
So yesterday it was really nice outside and warm so I decided to do a little "porch fratting", as we like to call it. A bunch of us in the fraternity go out front and toss a football or play cornhole or just sit around and talk. But Lauren, an ex-cheerleader, happen to be out front yesterday also. So Lauren, Jason, and I were having handstand contests, trying to do one handed handstands, and just doing random tumbling stuff together. It was probably pretty odd to passerbys seeing two guys and a girl doing all of these gymnastics stuff surrounded by a bunch of other frat boys doing manly frat boy things. But anyways, Jason has been trying to learn how to do a backflip lately. This sparked my interest. I can do a backflip on a trampoline and diving board, but have always wanted to do it on the ground. I asked them how to do it, they told me the basics, but I still wasnt really sure how. So I had Jason spot me, did the old "Im going for it!" and backing out thing a couple of times, then I just went for it. And you know what, I landed it! With a little help from Jason of course. Since then I have done about 10 backflips, Im getting a little better but still dont have the confidence to do it without a spotter. Ill keep working on it.
Also, I learned how to solve a Rubik's cube. Aj has been playing with one for the last couple of weeks, learning to solve it himself and he finally learned how, so I told him to teach me. Its pretty conmplicated. There are different algorithms for different situations and about a hundred million different steps involved. I solved it once, but I keep forgetting the algorithms so I have to go back to Aj and have him tell me. Again, I still need to work on it to get it all down.
But yeah, those are some pretty major things to learn, especially for one day! I should learn things like this everyday!
I learned how to do a backflip, and learned how to solve a rubik's cube. Those are pretty big deals.
So yesterday it was really nice outside and warm so I decided to do a little "porch fratting", as we like to call it. A bunch of us in the fraternity go out front and toss a football or play cornhole or just sit around and talk. But Lauren, an ex-cheerleader, happen to be out front yesterday also. So Lauren, Jason, and I were having handstand contests, trying to do one handed handstands, and just doing random tumbling stuff together. It was probably pretty odd to passerbys seeing two guys and a girl doing all of these gymnastics stuff surrounded by a bunch of other frat boys doing manly frat boy things. But anyways, Jason has been trying to learn how to do a backflip lately. This sparked my interest. I can do a backflip on a trampoline and diving board, but have always wanted to do it on the ground. I asked them how to do it, they told me the basics, but I still wasnt really sure how. So I had Jason spot me, did the old "Im going for it!" and backing out thing a couple of times, then I just went for it. And you know what, I landed it! With a little help from Jason of course. Since then I have done about 10 backflips, Im getting a little better but still dont have the confidence to do it without a spotter. Ill keep working on it.
Also, I learned how to solve a Rubik's cube. Aj has been playing with one for the last couple of weeks, learning to solve it himself and he finally learned how, so I told him to teach me. Its pretty conmplicated. There are different algorithms for different situations and about a hundred million different steps involved. I solved it once, but I keep forgetting the algorithms so I have to go back to Aj and have him tell me. Again, I still need to work on it to get it all down.
But yeah, those are some pretty major things to learn, especially for one day! I should learn things like this everyday!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Sex Offenders
So for the last couple of hours, Ive been looking at this Family Watchdog website, and for some reason I am hooked on it. I would not recommend looking up this website, simply because it is very addicting. Its a website with a list of sex offenders all around the US. The descriptions include a picture, what they did, when they did it, where they did it, where they are now, and a bunch of other personal info.
I started with, of course, Bremen. There were a few in the area, more than I thought would be. One person in Bremen was convicted of rape and voluntary manslaughter, but luckily he lives on the other side of town from my sisters. That just blows my mind that there is someone in my town that had killed a person.
Then I moved on to South Bend, West Lafayette, Los Angeles (full of rapers), and have now been stuck on New York City for quite a while now. I cant even describe how terrified I am of New York based upon the number of sex offenders. It has taken me a good half hour to forty minutes to look at all of the people within one mile of the center of New York. I am completely astonished.
In West Lafayette, there is a man that lives within a few blocks from the apartment I will be living in next year that had committed murder. MURDER. He killed a person, and he is living within bullets distance of me.
But most of all, as I am going through this list, I try to look at each and every person and see them as a person. I have to try and understand why they did what they did. I look at their picture and wonder what went on throughout their life that led to that moment, the moment where their one wrong decision would affect the rest of their life. I had to imagine each person committing their crime, how it happened, why it happened, who the victim was, how it affected that person, if they feel bad, if they even care at all.
I imagine these people as children, each and every one of them was a child at one point, playing with their friends, going to school, looking up to someone. Were they teased? Were they abused? Were they fatherless, motherless? Who were their influences? When was the turning point from innocence?
I imagine each of them was a newborn, at one point their mothers had wrapped them in their arms after birth.
I try and love them. I try to see them as human beings and love them. But then I go back to what they had done. These people look terrible. They look jaded, worn out, most of them look either drugged up or intimidating. They rape children. They sexually abuse their wives. They commit unimaginable acts. I can't love them. I can't love a rapist. I can't love a child molester. I can't love a murderer. But God does.
Why?
One man had committed 1st degree rape, incest, and sexual abuse...on a five year old. Why does God love him?
I have never committed a crime, sexually abused someone, raped anyone, or even been in a fight. I have a personal relationship with our God and love and worship Him. And He loves these rapists just as much as he loves me. This is astounding to me, and also very confusing.
Those were my thoughts from Family Watchdog.
I started with, of course, Bremen. There were a few in the area, more than I thought would be. One person in Bremen was convicted of rape and voluntary manslaughter, but luckily he lives on the other side of town from my sisters. That just blows my mind that there is someone in my town that had killed a person.
Then I moved on to South Bend, West Lafayette, Los Angeles (full of rapers), and have now been stuck on New York City for quite a while now. I cant even describe how terrified I am of New York based upon the number of sex offenders. It has taken me a good half hour to forty minutes to look at all of the people within one mile of the center of New York. I am completely astonished.
In West Lafayette, there is a man that lives within a few blocks from the apartment I will be living in next year that had committed murder. MURDER. He killed a person, and he is living within bullets distance of me.
But most of all, as I am going through this list, I try to look at each and every person and see them as a person. I have to try and understand why they did what they did. I look at their picture and wonder what went on throughout their life that led to that moment, the moment where their one wrong decision would affect the rest of their life. I had to imagine each person committing their crime, how it happened, why it happened, who the victim was, how it affected that person, if they feel bad, if they even care at all.
I imagine these people as children, each and every one of them was a child at one point, playing with their friends, going to school, looking up to someone. Were they teased? Were they abused? Were they fatherless, motherless? Who were their influences? When was the turning point from innocence?
I imagine each of them was a newborn, at one point their mothers had wrapped them in their arms after birth.
I try and love them. I try to see them as human beings and love them. But then I go back to what they had done. These people look terrible. They look jaded, worn out, most of them look either drugged up or intimidating. They rape children. They sexually abuse their wives. They commit unimaginable acts. I can't love them. I can't love a rapist. I can't love a child molester. I can't love a murderer. But God does.
Why?
One man had committed 1st degree rape, incest, and sexual abuse...on a five year old. Why does God love him?
I have never committed a crime, sexually abused someone, raped anyone, or even been in a fight. I have a personal relationship with our God and love and worship Him. And He loves these rapists just as much as he loves me. This is astounding to me, and also very confusing.
Those were my thoughts from Family Watchdog.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
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